If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time and actually read my entries, you’ve probably seen me say at least once that I’m a very private person. If you know me personally, you might not even realize how private I am. I do tell people a lot of things, but when it comes to personal matters . . . I generally don’t. There’s a line, I think, and there’s some part of me that finds it damn near impossible to cross over that line – even with people I care about, a lot of the time.
That being said, that’s not actually why I’m using a pen name. In fact, it’s almost irrelevant in the ‘reasoning department’ and is mostly just a small thing that makes me feel a little better where my life is concerned.
While I am very private, I do war with myself over it. Honesty and openness are a VERY big deal to me and I’ll spare you all from me going on some tangent where I could ramble for days about those two walking hand-in-hand and whether or not they’re constantly required to walk together, or how I feel about either of them, and how my feelings about either of them clash with me wanting to keep my personal business personal (and by keeping it personal, I mean keeping it ENTIRELY to myself).
And while I’ll say something I said in one of my first blogs on here (that I want to keep me as a person separate, in a sense, from my work – meaning, yes, I am responsible for the work, but the work is not ABOUT me), I’ll also say that I do understand there’s no escaping from the fact that . . . I am responsible for my work.
My desire to use a pen name is less about my instinct to go hide under a rock (you have no idea how tempting it is . . .) and more to do with ‘personal choices’. So, in this entry, I will drop a barrier that might seem very small to other people, but is VERY large for me.
I call the name I’m using a ‘pen name’, but . . . it’s kind of not. It is not my legal name, but it IS my name.
My legal first name does not begin with a C. EVERY nickname I have (apart from one) begins with a C. Only about three people call me by my real name (mom, mamaw, and my niece after she could say my full name) regularly. Everyone else calls me something that starts with C (apart from my dad, who has the different nickname for me). I sign most of my emails as C, and have done so for a very long time. I’ve used those nicknames as my ‘name’ on most social networking sites for years. If you want to know my first name (or even a nickname) so you can stop calling me ‘C’, I’d be more than happy to tell you. But . . . I’m pretty used to being called C, and I prefer the nicknames (as they’re what I hear most often), so . . . yeah. I’m content with it. Meaning, if there was a room full of people and someone shouted, “C!” behind my back . . . I would turn around. I would be more likely to turn around for that than my real name, if I’m being honest.
As for the second half of the ‘pen name’ . . . it’s my maiden name. I’m partially using it because . . . that’s the name I had at birth, and that will never change.
I am using my maiden name because I’m unsure if I ever want to have children. I’ve done quite a bit of battling with myself on that. And yes, part of me does possibly want to have children in the future, but . . . I’m not entirely sure. And I think about the fact that, if I don’t . . . my father’s ‘blood’ will stop with me. It brings about more guilt than I could probably say on here. So, using my father’s name is a potential ‘repayment in advance’ (meaning I at least put SOMETHING into the world) in case I don’t ever have children. Not really a fair exchange, but . . . it is what it is. That’s why. Very personal.
And there you have it.
Anyway, I have some things I need to do on here, which I’ll be trying to do over the next several days while simultaneously attempting to nitpick this proof I have. Now that I’m almost completely over that cold (which kicked my butt a LOT harder than I expected it to), I’ll be able to start knocking some stuff out.
Hope everyone is doing well.