Positivity Journal, Day 50

I got to write that up there ^^^^ down today. Fifty days of the Positivity Journal isn’t exactly a milestone where months are concerned or anything, but fifty days of doing this was definitely a personal milestone. I’d imagine that’s enough time to say I’ve successfully managed to integrate this into my life. Whether or not it’s been a ‘success’ in all aspects I intended with it is yet to be seen. I really like to think it’s brought something positive into my life, but then I could get into the question of how much of a positive mindset is mental (strictly mindset) and how much of it is physical (events). I could ramble for days about that, I’m sure. (Now I’m thinking about Little Giants . . .)

Some days have been harder than others, of course. I feel like most have been salvageable, even when they’re riddled with more than a few frustrating events. My internet going out for ridiculously long stretches of time while I’m trying to do stuff on it doesn’t seem like as big of a deal now as it did on the day of, where almost every negative bullet had at least one F-bomb dropped. I’m not a very patient person, and as I know I’ve said multiple times on here, when I want/need to work on something, it drives me nuts if I can’t. So the internet going out consistently on a ‘catch up’ day makes me feel sort of crazy. Like the sort of crazy where I couldn’t even abandon what I was doing to go write (with a legitimate excuse) because I got so riled up about it.

There have only been a few unsalvageable days, where both events and mindset are concerned. Two, unless I’m missing one. If I’m missing one, I guess whatever happened wasn’t bad enough (at least in comparison) for me to focus on. There was the piracy day. That one’s obvious, and I’ll be honest, it’s still messing with my mindset. (Because it’s not something you can easily put out of your head, especially when you’re still trying to remedy the situation. And I think that, in a sense, it would be a good idea to not let it get completely out of my head.)

Then there was two days ago. I did something stupid. I’m talking potentially catastrophically stupid. I’m talking about the sort of stupid that should never happen because you know so much better and of course you would never be so careless.

I was sending the first book in the trilogy to the next beta-reader, right? I might ought to add that I was getting rushed by outside forces (along with being busy that day and rushing in general trying to get things done), and I’m sure all that played into it. Anyway, I wrote the email address down wrong. Then I typed it up the way I’d written it down. I’m sure you can gather that I sent my book – that I’m getting ready to publish – to some random, unknown person.

It took me a few hours to text and be like, ‘Hey. Did you ever get that?’ (I didn’t want to be annoying.)

‘Not yet.’ (Or something.)

‘Maybe you should check the spam folder.’

Obviously it wasn’t in the spam folder, so the next thing I did was type up the email address in a text with a question mark. Again, I’m sure it’s obvious that the email they sent back was not the same. I immediately checked the message where the email address was initially given to make sure because I could’ve sworn I’d written it down right.

Yeah, I hadn’t. This was totally my bad. When I’ve spent years being so unbelievably careful with my work, I’m still baffled as to how I could’ve done something so careless with it. I guess you get used to stuff, right?

I can’t even explain the panic that ensued. That was probably the fastest (and the most ‘violent’) instance of me going from maybe ten (because I’m never at zero) to one hundred that I can think of. (It was probably more like in the nineties. Getting that close to 100 is terrifying.) Even figuring out about the piracy didn’t happen that fast. There’s always some sort of buildup. This was seriously like snapping your fingers and going straight into panic-mode. I’m sure the bad feelings there were exacerbated by the recent piracy experience and knowing how quickly and easily your work can be messed with, or taken, or whatever.

So, I did what I could. I wrote a new email to whoever it was, explained the situation and whatnot. I tried to send the book to the correct person. Of course . . . internet goes out. About ten seconds later, my computer just . . . froze. (Maybe it was feeding off my vibes?) So I went outside, lit a cigarette, paced around for a minute, then I went and sat down on the concrete, putting my face in my hands. And I just sat there, going through all the potential (bad) scenarios my head could come up with. When I was done with my cigarette (not even sure if I actually smoked it or let it burn, to be honest), I went back inside. I sent the file to the correct person. I retyped the email to the unknown person and left it up until my husband would get home from work, so I could make sure it was alright to send. (It might be weird to some people, but I like to get his opinion on pretty much everything.) When I was done with that, I went and sat down on the couch, and I hugged Pig (my dog) until Husband got home.

Maybe that doesn’t sound like a super big deal to anyone. It was a majorly big deal to me. It was so ignorant and careless, but that sort of stuff happens in life. I guess it’s like taking your kid to a park (or something), taking your eyes off them for a few minutes, then realizing they’re standing next to a complete stranger. But you can’t be eyes-on 24/7. You can try. You can get close to that. But people blink and whatnot. Or accidentally fall asleep while they’re watching TV. You just have to hope that nothing bad happens when you hit the lulling moments. (That the aforementioned ‘stranger’ will ask, “Hey kid, where are your parents?” In this specific case of sending the book, I’d be more than happy with, “Get away from me, kid.”)

Careless mistakes just happen, even when you’re just about as careful as you can possibly be. Kids slam their hands in doors, fall out of trees, trip and bust their faces up. That’s life, right?

I feel like there was an important lesson to be learned for me in this, that it’s further proving what I already know about planning. No matter how meticulous you are, even the best of plans don’t always work out. I guess part of this that’s so hard for me to accept is that I just can’t be revving at NINE THOUSAND at all times. Something’s going to eventually break if I don’t slow my ass down sometimes. And all I can think of now is, ‘Unfortunately, that’s not really an option.’ If I’d just slowed down two days ago . . . this probably wouldn’t have happened.

Anyway, I’m still freaked out about and shaken by that. I’m sure you can guess that after all the piracy garbage (and by reading my second post about that in particular), I’m not exactly at a high where ‘faith in people’ is concerned. So . . . here’s to hoping that everything goes as smoothly as possible with this release, and that whatever address I sent that to is someone’s old, unused email account and that my book never gets seen.

I still feel like a moron. I could say that I wish I didn’t, but I do, and it’s probably best that way. I guess I can equate this to a shock collar. (Which I personally would never use for my dog, so if anyone is shouting, “INHUMANE!” . . . please don’t.) But yeah, where shock collars are relevant to this . . . I guess I won’t be stepping past whichever point in the grass again as long as I keep remembering how unpleasant this is, right?

So yeah. The PJ can’t stop me from getting close to 100. It can’t. It can’t make me feel better when I get close to that. But I do have to believe it’s helping, when two days after the fact, I’m trying to focus on the lessons learned (positive) rather than the event (negative). I have to believe it’s helping when the rational part of myself is able to break through at any point. ‘It’s not like you can’t prove the work is yours.’ That’s true. That’s completely true.

I’m just glad I had however many days of the PJ before the piracy, and before this. Those two things, especially happening that close together? I can imagine they would’ve caused a breakdown of epic proportions that could’ve potentially lasted for some ungodly length of time. I feel like I’m retraining my mind, to some degree, and I don’t think I could’ve/would’ve if I hadn’t started this. So, if there’s anyone else out there like me? Finding your equivalent of my PJ? It couldn’t be a bad idea.

I really don’t mind taking the time out of my days for this, knowing all it’s done for me already.

(Also, I just wanted to say that I’m going to be trying VERY hard today to get caught up with responding to comments on here, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to manage it. I have to do some stuff for the cover art and send a few emails along with that. I’ll be trying. Apologies for the length of time. I’m working on it.)

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Dream Journal

So I did something sort of cool today, and I’m sure it’s obvious with the title of this post. I started a Dream Journal. Yes, I already have the Positivity Journal going, and you might be wondering why I would want/need to start a Dream Journal too. I don’t really need to, and while I don’t think it will be some major or majorly positive factor in my life, there might be some cool end results to it.

The last several times I’ve slept have been rife with insane dreams. There have been some weird ones. There have been some unsettling ones. Some that were upsetting. Many that woke me up. The weirdest thing about all of it is that they’ve all been sticking with me several days after the fact. Usually I’ll forget a dream shortly after I wake up and only have a few that I remember well. (I have issues remembering much of anything.) But most of the dreams I do remember were either upsetting enough for me to remember them, or were dreams that I’d written down at some point or another. (That underwater zombie dream five years or so ago will probably stick with me forever. It was a weird one, that’s for sure.)

I feel like remembering so much/many of them lately was sort of a sign that I needed to write them down, so that’s what I’m doing. It only took me a few minutes to type up the most recent ones, so this won’t really impact time spent on anything else. (Especially not when considering I’m too incoherent when first waking to really accomplish much of anything regardless.) I’m not actually writing them down, partially because I don’t want to, partially because I can keep it all better-organized on Herald (again, laptop), partially because it’s much faster for me to type, and partially because I’m already running through paper like crazy with the PJ. I think I’m just going to go by the months – have one file with what I remember of that month’s dreams, then move on to the next.

The last time I kept a DJ was in 2007. I was somewhat obsessive about dreams for a little while there, picking mine apart and doing the ‘relation’ thing. Like, if two people had the exact same dream, it would mean something different for each of them due to personal feelings about whatever objects were in there, situations, etc. I’m trying to think of an example to get this across, but the only one that’s coming to mind is one I can’t say because it was mine and I think it gives too much away. Hm. Working around the specifics of it . . . Okay. I had a dream back then about a certain type of animal that reminded me of a specific person. Rather than being cute and cuddly like said animal is supposed to be, it kept injuring me and ended up being poisonous (despite not being even remotely poisonous in real life). That specific person had done something very similar in my real life. I wouldn’t have made the connection of it if I hadn’t written it down, despite how obvious it was.

I’m not doing that sort of thing with this. I don’t have the time to pick things apart to that degree. (And one can assume that if I’m dreaming about horses and actually make note of the saddles in said dream after watching Merlin and making note of the saddles in the show . . . that’s probably why. Or having a dream about talking to my friend’s mom about the 70’s after talking to that friend, and after watching an episode of Girl Meets World where they ‘went back’ to the 60’s . . . that makes sense. Though I still can’t find any reason as to why Jared Leto was in a dream, playing some weird version of my favorite non-MC character, but I can understand me freaking out and screaming to him about how he was messing it all up. Even recently seeing him on Jimmy Fallon doesn’t really make sense of that. Really digressing.)

Anyway, I’m not trying to connect anything to my actual life. I just think it might be fun/funny to look back one day and be like, “Wtf?” I have some majorly weird dreams, even if it doesn’t sound like it with the ones I just mentioned. Those were just tiny little things in each of them. (Like in the ’70’s’ dream, it was in a restaurant and I was yelling at my sister about beans. Don’t ask me. Just another tiny thing in it.)

If all else fails, I might be able to find some little snippet of something to spin into a story if the day ever comes that I run out of potential stories. Nowhere near that (running out of stories) as of now. Maybe in forty years or so.

Anyway, that’s been my morning so far, apart from being unable to stop thinking about doughnuts from the doughnut store down the street. O.o

Workplace Blog Hop

I got tagged by Charles Yallowitz to take part in a blog hop. I’m supposed to attach a picture of my workplace, talk about it, and then tag a few more authors. Most of you who frequent my blog have more than likely heard me talk about my shed at some point or another. Yes, I work in a shed, and I’ve actually had people suggest I write a post about that, sooooo . . . here we are! You can find a little picture of it on my Facebook cover photo, but I’ll put one here too.

This is my shed. ~~>IMG_20130718_111957_586

 

That bird’s nest is now gone from the lights, and my husband’s Monster can (removed when cleaning out the car and put there for some reason?) is no longer on the ground. Now there’s a different one of his energy drink cans on the ground on the other side of the shed.

 

Now for the inside . . . Wait for iiiiiiiiiit . . . (If you hear that in Shawn’s voice from Psych, bonus points for you, and me, and we.)

IMG_20140910_123743_606

Now, that might look a mess to everyone else, but it’s totally organized. And it might seem a bit weird in general, but it all works for me. From left to right up top, you have: (One of) My gun(s) (Yes, I work in a shed, OBVIOUSLY I want a gun out here), toilet paper that has been sitting right where it’s sitting for . . . an ungodly length of time, which was what I used before I got myyyy . . . box of tissues (needed both for crying while writing/editing (which happens) and during winter when I’m so cold that my nose is falling off), notes hidden under said box of tissues, highlighters and page dividers, notebook. Those three things under the notebook are pen holders for all my editing pens.

Just below all that from left to right is: A blue little paper organizer that you can only see the corner of. The loose papers are the questions for the video Q&A. Yes, they’re still sitting here waiting. A pack of pens that I got for when my neon ones run out (which I’m using in the Positivity Journal for now). Spent pens that I haven’t put up with all the other spent pens yet. My coffee, my bowl where I put out my cigarettes and hold the butts until throwing away (which I do about fifty times every night *exaggeration). There’s also a flyswatter, the pack of cigarettes I’m currently working on, and the one pen that I’m using for editing (until it runs out). (You can’t see a small thing of post-its for place-keeping (again, for editing) behind my pack of cigarettes.) Down beside the table (to the right of where I sit) is a stack of ‘extra’ paper (on a small table), for when I’m editing and have to add long bits. I use that when I run out of space on the printed pages. (I write sort of big . . .)

Then there’s my laptop case, which is a little bit broken. My knife. Don’t ask me why it’s here. Just makes me feel better to have it where it is. What I call an ‘inky pen’ that is used for addressing envelopes (and doing a few other things), then there’s Herald (my laptop).

That mess of pens near the bottom won’t be there for too much longer (depending on editing). I got a different brand a while back (because I want ALL THE COLORS) and they don’t fit in my holders. So there are those, waiting to be used first for editing (after the current editing pen is finished, obviously). Also a few neons for the PJ (and for writing notes on my hand). (I have a lot of neons because I don’t use them for editing anymore. Hurts my eyes.) An extra pack of cigarettes. Then you have my ‘ash cup’. Yes, I ash in and put cigarettes out in different places when I’m in here.

The only thing that’s not where it’s supposed to be is my phone (Penelope), which is always to the left (*left when I’m sitting, below in the photo) of where that extra pack of cigarettes currently is (at the edge of the table). It’s not there because I used it to take the picture . . .

So yes, all that might look like a mess, and it might be a bit weird. But it works for me. As long as everything is where I need it to be, it prevents me from having little mental fits about how things AREN’T WHERE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE. (I’m weird.) This space is seriously, SERIOUSLY where I am most relaxed in the world. It’s my own little place to (hopefully) not be interrupted, and just get sh- . . . er . . . get stuff done.

(You also can’t see the lengths that were gone to to make the weather tolerable out here. Had to hang up copious amounts of blankets to block off my part of the shed from the rest of it. The AC doesn’t have to cool down the whole place, and the heaters don’t have to heat it up in the winter. Also can’t see a welding helmet full of spent pens, which is about half of my spent editing pens. Also can’t see a lot of other things that aren’t writing related.)

(Note: The reason I felt the need to clarify about EVERYTHING was because everything has its purpose. A pen isn’t just a pen. I use different ones for different things. I’m a bit . . . particular. That’s a nice word for it.)

(Another note: If you can’t tell by the handles up at the very top of the photo, there are all sorts of things in here. Hammers, etc. It is a shed. If you also can’t tell by all the weapons/potential weapons? Yeah, I’ve got a lot of choices for the zompocalypse.)

But yeah, that’s my space. My favoritest space in the world.

Now to tag a few other authors . . .

Jack Flacco

S.L. Lewis

Carrie Rubin

Linda Huber

Robert Tozer

Jason Swearingen

Apologies if anyone has been previously tagged.

Can I just say . . . I was super stoked to be part of this. That might be ridiculous, but it’s the truth.

kbai

Positivity Journal, Week One

I got to write Day 7 on my Positivity Journal tonight. So it’s been one week of doing this experiment of sorts. I’m proud of myself for keeping with some unplanned, time-sucker. No, it doesn’t really take that long, but the half an hour or so I spend on it daily (nightly) could be spent doing things that some part of me might tell the other part are more ‘worthwhile’. Good thing I’m apparently choosing to ignore that part completely, because I really think this is helping.

No, I’m not magically running around thinking that everything is daisies and roses. (I’m not really a fan of daisies or roses, so I should probably use more personally-appropriate flower choices for that.) I do think it’s doing precisely what I wanted and intended for it to though, which is making me stop for a bit and break it all down. Not only that, but I’ve gotten to put a few things on there that I don’t want to forget. Having a laugh with people, and things like that.

This is telling me a little more about myself than I thought it would. As I said in the post where I was initially talking about doing this, I’m not writing feelings down and things along those lines. But I think this is probably the most ‘me’ that’s been written down in a very long time. Maybe it wouldn’t be so if I wasn’t putting +’s and -‘s next to things (along with a few other symbols that I made a key for), and it wasn’t so blatantly obvious how I feel about totally normal occurrences. I definitely don’t plan on anyone ever getting their hands on this.

It’s not that it’s all bad, but I’m really not used to writing anything about myself anymore. (Past these blog entries which are almost always about myself working.) At some point, I got pretty accustomed to only spilling less-than-pleasant aspects of my life/thoughts/feelings to my husband (and very few close friends). And there they sit on paper with little symbols, probably saying much more about how I feel and who I am as a person than any legitimate journal entry ever could or would. I wasn’t expecting that, which seems a bit silly in retrospect.

There have definitely been positives. Laughs, as I said. Comments made that I don’t want to forget. Communications. There was a quote I heard that really struck a chord with me, and it got its own special symbol that it – thus far – only shares with a pep talk I had to give myself halfway through the week. It’s almost funny what difference a few written words might potentially make with a person.

There have, of course, been some negatives. One, for acknowledging that sometimes . . . I’m a very bad friend. I lose track of time, and I don’t get back with people as soon as I’d like to. I don’t check on people as often as I’d like, even when I know things are/were going on with them that need checking on. It’s something to work on, and that’s not negative. I’m trying.

There was even realizing that I must’ve subconsciously put a negative next to something I’d intended to label as ‘random’ (with a dot) because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I supposed that said enough. Maybe sometimes I know better than I know. ha

All in all, it’s definitely been an experience – one that’s given me precisely what I hoped I would get from it and then some. This is me taking a small bit of my time daily to acknowledge my own life, rather than just my work life. So I’m giving into it, and getting back from it.

It’s definitely funny thinking that, with my writing . . . I’m a pantser. It’s the only time I don’t try to plan every minuscule aspect of life or what I’m doing, and I do it that way because it’s the only way that works for me. (I plan everything else.) Coming up with the Positivity Journal was completely random, and for once? I just went with it. With my stories, I always have to trust that the characters will work things out themselves. Even when I worry they can’t (or won’t), at some point along the journey with them, it always hits me that I do start to trust them. Maybe this random idea I went with that ended up being very good is only proof that sometimes . . . a little bit of pantsing in my own life might not be such a bad idea. Maybe sometimes, I just need to have a bit more trust in myself to get everything worked out. 🙂

(But if I never needed to sleep, I could get everything worked out much faster than what I do . . .)

Positivity Journal

I usually apologize when I haven’t been on here (or anywhere) for a while. I’m not going to do that this time. I’ll explain, and explaining will (eventually) get me to the title of this post. This is going to be a long one. Proceed if you dare . . .

I posted something about a month ago that I really didn’t want to, talking about how I (mentally) was not doing so great. Then I posted about two weeks later that I was feeling better (in comparison). The in comparison was key there. The fact of the matter is that the not-so-greatness has been going on for well over a month and a half now. I’d usually rather not say anything like that, and I believe I’ve only done so on here a small handful of times. No matter what sort of stuff [going on in my life] I talk about on here, this is ‘work-related’ to me. This blog has my ‘author name’ on it, my ‘author photo,’ etc. This isn’t a space where I toss my deepest feelings out into the abyss of the interwebz. I don’t toss my deepest feelings out anywhere, really, apart from in one-on-one conversations. That’s just me. So apart from saying, “I’m in a weird/bad/whatever headspace,” there’s usually not anything like that. That might change one day, but I’m not holding my breath for it.

The only reason I ever post things along the lines of what I did a month or so ago is when whatever headspace I’m in starts impacting my work rather than my life outside of work. It definitely has this time.

Typically, when I get in ‘a mood,’ I’m so preoccupied with work that I don’t even have the time to think about it. I have such a one-track mind and get so focused on what I’m doing that whatever else is going on in my life sort of slips somewhere behind a closed door in the back of my head. Sometimes (like when I’m writing), I’ll get so caught up in what I’m doing that the door doesn’t even have the chance to get opened again. Then, by the time I might’ve gotten around to it, whatever was causing the unpleasantness has usually lessened for some reason or another. (Issues getting resolved or me just calming down about whatever it was.)

This has probably been the worst mindset I’ve been in for . . . a very long time. I tried just about everything to drag myself out of it. I wrote. (I FINISHED ANOTHER BOOK.) I did (a few) non-writing work-related things. I got out of the shed. (A lot of that was due to a messed up sleep schedule/sleep related issues and it being too hot for me out here.) I played video games. I watched some TV. Did (a few) things outside (and got a good reminder of why I enjoy being indoors). I EVEN GOT OUT OF THE STATE.

I really tried just about everything, and no matter how okay (and even sometimes great) I would be doing at any point, I kept mentally backsliding. Now, we all know (and I have no problem with admitting) that I am a very negative person. (Not outwardly, but inside my head.) I used to consider myself realistic, and I don’t think it really hit me just how much I was kidding myself with that until pretty recently. I do believe that I look at the glass as neither half-full nor half-empty, only that there’s a glass filled to the midway point, but I’m always worst-case scenario. I’m always planning things out and trying to mentally prepare myself for whatever horrible thing that’s next on the path. That’s just me. And really, in a way, I’m totally fine with that. I wouldn’t be me if my dad couldn’t make jokes about the sky falling and me responding with something like, “If [whatever] happened . . . it could.”

I don’t have a problem with that sort of thing, but I WILL admit that I’m getting worse about it, and I don’t like that. I feel like in a lot of ways, my anxiety has even gotten worse. And I’ve been trying to push myself out of my ‘safe bubble comfort zone’ for a while now.

And it’s so freaking weird, because at some point along the way, I’d slowed down all the negativity in my head that I was really worried about – the negativity that pertained to my work. The, ‘What makes you think you could ever do this?’ sort of questions. The, ‘You know you’re not good enough for this,’ remarks. The responses to those had turned into, “Because I can,” and either, “Yes I am,” or, “I’m doing it anyway.”

So what’s been with the mood? I’m still not really sure, but I’ll be honest and admit that I’ve kind of been a wreck lately. I’m sure pretty much everybody knows there are some times that are harder than others to put a (figurative or literal) smile on your face just because you have to. It’s been hard for me lately, when trying to take care of all the stuff that needs doing. So I didn’t do much of it.

I cry a lot over weird things. Movies, TV shows, sometimes music. Sometimes commercials. When I say cry, I mean tear up. I don’t actually cry often. (You may think it’s not weird to cry at the things I mentioned, but it’s what sets it off that makes the crying so weird. If I watch LOTR:ROTK by myself, I’ll sob when they’re all riding into battle. It’s just so epic. Even after watching it more times than I even know, I still fight against sobs.) I cry REAL GOOD (getting all Southern there) when I’m writing/editing sometimes. The point of saying that or even bringing it up at all is . . . I don’t cry about my real life often. Once in a blue moon, usually when I’m extremely frustrated over something that makes complete sense to be up-in-the-air about. So when it gets to the point where nothing in particular has happened, and I’m just feeling nothing short of completely broken down . . . that obviously means I let myself get past an okay point to be.

I don’t really have a solution for it. (Though starting to re-watch Merlin drastically improved my mood.) I can’t magically make this workload go down. Even working on it doesn’t really put a dent in it. This isn’t a story in a book I’m writing, where I can depend on fake people to fix something. This is my real life. I’m just a feeble, little human. And no matter how I feel about my books, or my work in general, sometimes I need a good reminding that I’m more important than they are. (Because I can’t get them out of my head if I’m not in a place where I can.) It’s easy to forget sometimes, and it’s just as easy to beat myself up over needing to get whatever done and not doing it when I think I should.

So while it almost feels like it killed a part of my soul (I say that about a lot of things but rarely mean it like I do here) to not work as much, or as well, or as efficiently as what I ‘should’ have . . . I needed the break. That’s why I really can’t apologize for missing the posts I’d JUST set a schedule for, because I needed to take care of myself. And you know what? It’s been really freaking nice to spend some substantial time with my husband.

I’ve realized that I can’t stick to any sort of actual schedule right now. I just can’t manage it, and that’s okay. (Did more of that writing up posts on here and not posting them stuff.) Trying to do that didn’t actually help like I thought it would. It just made things worse for me. So I’m just going to post about whatever, whenever (like I’ve done pretty much forever on here). The sky isn’t going to fall down. People might have issues with how long it’s taken me to comment back, but I WILL comment back. And I’d rather say what I want to say when I can say it than say what I can say in a small space of time. (That makes sense in my head. I know I could’ve worded it better.)

Anyway, the whole point of all this is the title. I read an article today, and it was almost like something clicked in my head. I really feel like I’ve been in this cesspool of negativity for FAR too long. (I don’t like not being able to work.) I thought of an idea earlier.

I’m going to start a positivity journal. Not like a real journal, with feelings and all. More like a list.

I wrote however many words today. I actually went to the gym. I got whatever done. This happened. So and so said this to me. I laughed about some event.

And not all positives either. I’m going to put the negatives in there too. (Herald’s E-key broke. Husband fixed it.) Because when you break down your days, you might have one massive negative, but you’re going to have a crapton of small positives thrown in there. For someone who naturally focuses on negatives . . .

I just don’t want to do that anymore. I feel like writing it all down might put things in a different perspective for me. I’m hoping so.

I’m just a feeble, little human, and my feelings are relevant. Being down, or overwhelmed, or sad, or angry . . . that’s relevant. But those are the things I naturally cling to. Those are the things I typically remember when all of this other stuff slips out of my head. (My memory is so bad.) And I would really like to remember everything else.

Husband and I had a talk about [something awesome] today. It really meant a lot to me.

I accomplished this today.

So I’ll be able to look back at some point, and I’ll remember the moment of writing it down if I write it down, meaning I’ll actually remember the event. (I remember almost everything that I actually write down.) One thousand words written might not seem like much, but they add up. Add about 90,000 more and you’ve got a book. All the days broken down.

I don’t expect doing this to change me. I’m the most self-deprecating person ever. (If you want to challenge me on that, we’ll lose together.) I’ve mastered getting in my own way, and I’ve lived most of my life like that. (What a skill to master!) So I might have a day where the sky is falling down inside my head because my anxiety is intent on pulling the damn thing down, but that doesn’t change what’s going on around me.

My feelings, no matter how relevant, do not undermine my accomplishments, my dreams, or the good things that happen to me.

I’m not aiming to fill my life with only positives. I’m too realistic (there’s that word again) for that. I’m aiming to acknowledge and accept the positives that already exist. That’s all, and I think this is a good start.

I know there are a lot of people like me out there, and really . . . I just wish so badly that we could all let ourselves focus on the good. Good things happen. It’s easy to forget sometimes, overlook. I just don’t want to do that anymore. Whatever struggles anyone else is going through . . . I hope you find a way to overcome them. I really do. I’m working on my way.

No matter what I’m working on, I just have to remember that my most important WIP . . . is me.

 

Video Q&A

Yes, you read the subject correctly.

I had an idea several weeks ago about doing just that (a video Q&A). Knowing my anxiety (it’s like a real person to me, watching over my shoulder), my first thought after the idea struck was, ‘Yeah, that’s a good idea.’ (Please imagine that being thought in a sarcastic inner voice.)

I mulled it over (cue Harry Potter thought path . . . moving on . . .) for a while. After doing as much (and talking to Husband about it and hearing his opinion), I tossed the idea out there to a couple friends. Most said, “DO IT!”

(All but one really said as much, and admittedly that friend is freakily similar to me in a lot of ways so I can definitely understand her saying she didn’t know.)

I have my obvious issues with it:

1) That I will make an ass out of myself.

2) That words worse than ass might slip out of my mouth on accident. (I frequently use ‘bad’ language, but only when I feel it’s ‘appropriate’ to do so. I try not to use those words on here because I consider this something along the lines of being ‘out in public,’ where my ‘bad language’ is all used in my head. (That’s the way I was raised.) Hence me starring things out (for the most part) when I either feel like I can’t or don’t want to get around using a particular word.)

3) I write much better than I speak. (Hence me being a writer and not a public speaker. Or public ANYTHING.) Do I really want everyone to hear this stammering I occasionally post about on here? Not particularly. Do I want anyone to hear ummm come out of my mouth about fifty times? No, but it most assuredly would happen. (Not to mention that I make absolutely HORRENDOUS faces while I talk. I really do.)

4) Do I really want to send myself into all the anxiety attacks this would surely induce for absolutely nobody to even watch it? No.

There are the good sides to it:

1) As much as I prefer writing to speaking, obviously you can get more out faster with the latter.

2) I would really like to hear any questions people might potentially have for me, and then answer them.

3) As hesitant as I am about literally putting a face to the name, I don’t really think it would be a bad idea to essentially say, ‘Hey, here I am.’ (Then follow it up afterward with, ‘I bet you can see why I sit alone and write books now, huh?’ 😉 )

4) Even if it might stress me out, it might actually be fun.

I do video diaries for myself to keep up with things going on in my life (because I have a horrible memory), and I’m sure doing a video Q&A then sharing it with everyone would let people see that the way I go about writing on here is very much how I am in real-

SQUIRREL.

(All the parenthetical asides in posts/comments/messages is how my mind works when I’m not writing books. Really. I am a mess. ha)

Anyway, I didn’t want to make an ass out of myself with even asking if it wouldn’t be something people were actually interested in seeing. (Who would want to watch me ramble?) But better to ask than not because someone out there might have something they’d really like to ask me. Who knows?

 

SO! If anyone is interested in this (the rambling/stammering/etc./etc./etc.), please let me know. Feel free to start asking questions. I don’t really care what sort of questions they are, to be honest. They can be work-related. (About characters/writing/publishing/etc.) They can be ridiculous and have nothing to do with anything. (Why do I love Merlin so much? What’s my gamerscore on XBox? I’m kind of proud of that last one. Just saying.) I don’t mind.

I only have ONE stipulation with this though. Just one.

If any of the questions contain spoilers for either of the books I have out, please ask me those questions privately. I will try to find a way to answer them in the video regardless because I’m pretty used to being careful with how I word talk of these books. If I can’t do as much but feel I can answer your question privately, I will do as much.

Anyway, feel free to comment on here or Facebook. If you would rather ask the question privately (either for the reason mentioned above or because you don’t want me to use your [first] name in the video), you can do so by messaging me on either my Facebook page or GoodReads. (Also feel free to add me as a friend on there if you’d like while you’re at it.) Or you can shoot me an email at cmillauthor (at) gmail (dot) com.

If there aren’t enough questions asked to warrant doing this, I WILL answer the questions asked via whatever means you contacted me.

One more thing:

I will not give away any spoilers. Not for any of the books, whether released yet or not.

HAVE A GOOD DAY, ALL!

(Please excuse me while I mentally go hide under a rock.)

There’s no ‘almost’ anything with Almost Royal.

It’s pretty rare for me to post on here about things that aren’t book or work related, past that streak of Friday Music posts. (If I’m ever on here more often, I’ll get back to those.) I’ll make comments here and there amid work-related posts about going to see a movie or something. You RARELY get something the likes of Merlin on here.

You’re getting something like that today.

Husband and I were watching some unknown thing the other day, but I’ll say it was probably Wild Things with Dominic Monaghan (which I sort of fell in love with about a month or so ago, on accident). While we usually fast-forward through commercials, we accidentally caught one for this new show called Almost Royal.

If anyone has seen the preview for that show, you very well might understand why I had, “Me and Georgie are friends with benefits,” stuck in my head for DAYS. I’ll say this is the first time – to my recollection – that I’ve actually LOOKED UP when a show was going to start. (They usually slip by me because I’m too busy to remember what shows I even want to watch.)

Next week. I can live with that.

So there I was yesterday, wanting to watch that preview again because it’s just so . . . RIDICULOUS. My phone was being uncooperative (or I was being lazy, I can’t remember which), so Husband looked it up On Demand. And waddya know? There was a FULL EPISODE on there.

We turn it on. Within about . . . three minutes, I was in tears. I kept thinking, ‘I’m going to stop laughing here in a bit. Really. Something not-funny is going to happen, and I’ll stop laughing.’ I did not stop laughing. I had tears in my eyes the entire time. I am not kidding. Every time something a little less-funny happened, I was still laughing from the last funny thing until the next really-funny thing happened.

At the end of that show, my husband said, “I’ve never heard you laugh that much.”

I laugh pretty easily. I’m far too easily amused. I small-laugh A LOT, but I’m lucky to get a couple BIG LAUGHS in every day. For one, my BIG LAUGH is a horrible sound to hear, and I’d rather not torture anyone with it. For another, while I get amused by the smallest things (even the lamest of jokes will get to me), I rarely find things hilarious. Almost Royal is hilarious.

I’m honestly not too big a fan of the comedy genre, in movies or television. There are a few exceptions, obviously, but with most comedies, the filthy and legitimately-funny ratio isn’t balanced enough for me. (Don’t ask me how I write books, please. I often wonder why I get put-off by some things and not others, or different deliveries of the same things.) It was pretty recent that I started opening myself up a little more to them, rather than bundling them all together and just assuming I wouldn’t enjoy them. I watched Community. I really like Modern Family. I REALLY fell in love with Enlisted, which might only be funny if you’ve known people in the military. If you’ve seen Enlisted, look at Randy. He’s my favorite character. That’s my preferred type of humor (apart from the witty sort) – silly and more than a bit ridiculous. LIGHTHEARTED.

No matter how much I’ve opened myself up to the genre, how many ‘comedy shows’ I’ve watched . . . I have not laughed like I did yesterday. I haven’t laughed to the point of tears for an entire episode of anything ever.

You remember Jackass? I’m not talking about the newest Jackass, when it got too over-the-top (now I’m thinking about the movie Over the Top). I’m talking about OLD Jackass (now I’m hearing, “You old jackass,” in my head, which would probably only be funny if you could hear the accents I hear on a daily basis), where people just did ridiculous things and it was funny.

The first time I saw Jackass, I was in eighth grade, at my best friend’s house. It was on. I had no idea what it was. But I heard, “TODAY, WE SHALL JOUST!” and I was hooked. (At least until it got too over-the-top and overdone for me.) I laughed to the point of tears more times than I know due to that show (rhyming). [‘People riding shopping carts into bushes? This is amazing!’ I’m telling you, I’m too easily amused.]

In one episode, I would take Almost Royal over ANY of those funny shows. As much as I love Enlisted (I really do), I would take Almost Royal over it. One episode.

Who am I kidding? I was hooked with the preview.

That’s the awesome thing about it. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was REALLY looking forward to something like I was with this, then wasn’t disappointed with the final product. I always get disappointed when I hype things up in my head. I was not disappointed with this.

The point of this entry is: Watch the show. At least watch the preview that started it for me. (I’ll include it below.) You might not like it. If you do like it, I sincerely doubt you’ll think it’s as funny as I do. But still . . . just check it out. It seriously deserves to be checked out. I do not know how they can keep straight faces for that. I don’t know.

If I get just one more person to become a fan of this show, I’ll feel that I’ve done my part.

That’s all, apart from saying that I’ll be having the cover reveal for my next book this week (if everything goes according to plan). Stay tuned! 🙂