Home » My Books » The first week of being published.

The first week of being published.

The clock has now ticked over into Thursday, which means – with Wednesday being at an end – Reave has been live for a full week.

It’s been a very…strange week for me. Most of the time I’m somehow able to convince myself that the book hasn’t released and is still safely in the only places I had it before (Herald, HD, printed out several times for edits, the proof, and…my brain). It’s been better for me that way, trying not to stress about how much people will hate it (if ONLY the second book could be released before the first…), or even just the fact that people CAN read it now.

I never talked about my book(s) on here until just before I released Reave, past saying I’d written them or whatever was going on with them. I’ve always been weirdly protective over them, but I suppose that’s understandable and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I wouldn’t even let my sister read it before it came out, if that says anything. I just didn’t want to let this one (or any of the others) out of my sight. There’s yet another way it can be comparative to having children (I’m assuming), but…….I’m PRETTY sure I’d be less protective of any children I ever had. I’d let my sister take one of those out of my sight for a while, if I had one.

It’s silly, I know. It’s something I struggled with a lot (am still struggling with), but I’m trying to get over it. My sister is actually the one that found the typo I was writing to in Dear Typo, by the way. I should’ve let her read it beforehand. Now I know. I will just have to get over certain things.

I spent the first few days checking my rankings on Amazon randomly. I probably wouldn’t have done much of it if I hadn’t been so shocked at getting on a couple lists for a little while. That was….pretty freaking awesome. I’d never expected to see anything like that, and I DID get to see it, so that was a spectacular moment for me. I didn’t mind dropping off those lists as much as I likely should have (though, yes, I did mind because…I’m human), maybe partially due to the not-expecting-at-all, and maybe partially due to expectations of the dropping (realistic).

There have been a few awesome moments.

Reading the first few reviews on it blew my mind.

The mom of one of my best friends was reading it, asked said friend when the next would be released, was given the ideal (but not feasible) time frame. The response she had (which was told to me) was something about not being able to wait that long. I believe there was an exclamation mark involved, but I have a horrible memory and could easily be wrong.

Mind was blown over that.

I’ve seen three pictures of people holding the book as of now, and that’s probably been the most fantastic thing about it. All for different (but similar, but different) reasons. (Probably up there is an unneeded word.) Seeing those pictures made me think of that moment of holding the proof in my hand, of it not necessarily being the moment I’d anticipated for the past three years (maybe because I was sick, maybe because of circumstances at the time, and maybe because I’d hyped it up so much in my head). Seeing pictures of people holding my book has been a better feeling than me holding it for the first time. Baffling, just like it was when I held it, only in a different enough way that I’m able to actually enjoy the feeling of it rather than sitting there staring at it like it’s some alien life form.

Mind blown over that.

I’ve almost had an anxiety attack every time someone has said something about reading it. I need to find some sort of faith in myself, but…haven’t yet (I’ll say again, GAH! over not being able to release the second book first). It’s the damn characters. I have faith in them. I just….COME ALONG with them. Bad writing, lack of technicality and all.

I thought I would be obsessive over rankings (as obsessive is a fitting word for my personality in general – if you add ‘mild’ before it and turn obsessive into the first part of an acronym that’s followed by CD, we’ll be set), but I haven’t been. I think it’s understanding that this is going to be an uphill battle regardless of anything, which I knew from the get-go. I’ve felt a little lost at multiple points, but it is what it is.

I’m just thinking about how the people who ordered the physical copies of it are getting them in the mail now, and that’s…yeah.

Anyway, I expected myself to be feeling a lot more crazy than I have. Maybe it’s losing a bit of the attachment I had to it from keeping it so much to myself for such a long time. It’s…out of my hands now. People will either like it or they won’t, which I accepted several years ago with the books that will never see the light of day. I’d imagine some people won’t be able to make it past the prologue. Some people won’t ‘get it.’ Some people will want to punch me in the face for it (I’ve already got that one – that someone wanted to punch me). Some people will say, “I can’t wait that long for the next one!”

The latter of those is the only one that confuses me, and I’ve already heard it several times. It’s so weird.

It’s also so weird realizing that everyone has always been right about me. I DO expect the worst. Understand that good can happen, but expect the worst because it seems the most likely thing to occur in any scenario. In trying to change my outlook on things, I can see that’s not a healthy thing to do either because…I don’t believe it’s as realistic as I’ve always thought it was. So in telling myself that one of every ten people might PASSABLY enjoy the book…I’m doing myself – and my work – an injustice. And that’s a shame.

Maybe I’ll figure all that out along the way as well. I had to let go of it in order to feel like I wasn’t living half the life I wanted to be living (writing them and keeping them all to myself). Maybe the ‘faith’ thing will happen eventually. I just don’t think it’s fair to keep telling myself that everyone is ‘too close.’ Someone being close doesn’t mean they’re lying to spare your feelings. Someone complimenting you doesn’t mean they’re doing it with ulterior motives or being dishonest. It also does’t mean that they’re crazy (which is the first thing my mind goes to…sorry to anyone who ever says anything nice to me – I’ve probably thought you were crazy at some point or another. >.>).

Like everything with this, it’s just…a journey.

Too bad you can’t ever prepare for a journey like this as much as you think you can.

Does someone have any pants I can borrow? I think I forgot my own.

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31 thoughts on “The first week of being published.

  1. I know how you feel. I have mine in the final galley stage and I freak out every time I think of something else I could have changed, Now too late. I sit an worry about people hating what I have written, yet like a moth I continue to go forward to the flame. Maybe I should just write the books and then burn them. I know I would be much more content. Well I guess it’s time to buck up and face the moment of truth. Got talent? Nice post I feel your pain.(why do we do this?)

    • Taking them and burning them really does sound like a fantastic idea sometimes! Then again, I know mine never really feel as ‘done’ as I want them to, so I don’t know that burning them would be such a good idea, but at the same time….It really does sound nice occasionally.

      Doesn’t it drive you nuts feeling like you need to change it/them all the time?! I know with the one I just released, I wish I’d left a lot of it the way I’d had it before, but you live, you learn…

      I’m thinking that moment of truth doesn’t come as quickly as I’d always hoped it would. It’s slow-goings waiting for people to read it and whatnot. Then having messages relayed to you. It kind of sucks!

      Can you come up with a reason why we do this? Because I’m drawing a blank on it. haha

  2. Nov 30 2013 was my publish date…every word you wrote is exactly the same thing I have been going through…lol We are all very much a like and struggle with our inner selfs…why? Maybe to not be disappointed. You accomplished something many say but never do and that is all you need to worry about enjoy the now because it will pass soon enough! – wow im taking my own advice as well…thanks for the blog!

    • I’m glad commenting on here could help you out with the same thing! Isn’t it weird how that happens sometimes? Blows my mind.

      I think you’re right though, or at least with me personally. With the struggling, then the not wanting to be disappointed bits.
      And you’re also right about the ‘many say but never do’ part. My sister keeps telling me that. Maybe one day that will feel like enough, but do you ever feel like your personal goals might be a bit different than other people’s expectations? Does that even make sense or am I too tired to have more than a small clue as to what I’m talking about?

      I dunno.

      But anyway, congrats on your book release!
      I wish you the best of luck with it (and with getting through this craziness in general)! 😀

      • Sometimes I think we accomplish a great feat and are scared to let the secret out…our own secret…innerparty. Crazy but every morning I wake I get this fear that someone isnt going to like it…then i shake it away and look at the good reviews family and friends have posted. I need more family and friends to get me through my day.lol i hope you do Awesome with your book! Iam cheering for ya!

      • There’s one thing I’m waiting for with this whole ‘releasing a book thing,’ and until that happens…I won’t feel like I’ve accomplished what I need to accomplish with this. So I guess it feels like I’ve accomplished a ‘feat,’ just not necessarily the one I’m aiming for quite yet. Hopefully one day.

        Oh yes, I know what you’re saying though. I keep waiting for that first bad review. I’d already expected it, to be honest. You know the one – the ‘As much as I wanted to, I could NOT finish this pile of crap’ review.
        I think more friends/family would help to get people through their days in general, or just more people who cared (again, generally).

        LoL, maybe one day I’ll stop feeling like compliments about the book aren’t just to spare my feelings.

        But I hope you do awesome with your book as well, and that you accomplish whatever personal goals you wish to meet with it. 🙂

  3. I purchased Reave for my Kindle a little bit ago. To be honest (don’t worry, keep reading), I was doing it to support you. Looking at the cover and reading some of what you’ve posted about it on your blog, I wasn’t sure where the book would end up in my to-read stack. So Friday night rolls around. I’m getting sick, I’ve got the house to myself, and I need something to read. I fire up my Kindle and poke around. Since your book is the last one purchased, it’s at the top of the Kindle stack, so I click on it. The first few pages are magical. I read a little bit Friday night, then I met with a fellow writer Saturday morning, and when I got home after lunch, your book became my Saturday. I neglected all of my other writerly and readerly duties and just read Reave. Until I was done at 11:00 last night. Well done, Ms. Miller, well done. My only complaint is that I will need to wait for book #2 in the series.

    • To be honest back atcha, the first part of that didn’t surprise me at all. I honestly didn’t know how my husband made it through the first one (and that’s not even taking into account that he’s dyslexic), and I’ve tried to warn every male that’s talked to me about it… “You PROBABLY won’t like it.”
      Genre(s), subject matter, POV, etc. etc. etc. I just … really was not/am not/have not been anticipating good things from male readers. Well, not anticipating good things from any readers, but especially so with that. (One of my best friends couldn’t get past C20 due to the lack of action, so I’ve been basing a lot of that off him, and then my own feelings of ‘omg, NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS BOOK,’ but that’s just in comparison to the others.)
      I’ve had a mini-anxiety attack anytime a person has mentioned getting/reading it, but the severity of them has varied with several factors (gender being a main one). Maybe that’s sexist of me. I dunno. But it’s been a concern.

      The rest of your comment surprised me though (along with your review on Amazon, WHICH I HAVE TO THANK YOU FOR). I’ll admit I walked around smiling like an idiot for a good while earlier today. I did some fighting with myself over it, and I also need to thank you for doing something for me.
      Everyone has been ‘too close’ for me to feel they’re being honest about enjoying it at all. (My definition of too close might be a bit more widespread than it should be). I’ve been able to wallow around in my negativity over any bit of positive feedback I received, until today. Because I’ve been trying to look at things realistically this entire time, and realistically…you have no reason to care about sparing my feelings due to closeness to me (apart from being an awesome person in general).
      So…I’ve kind been of wondering if maybe it’s not as big of a mess as I feel like it is (in comparison to the others, where things actually HAPPEN. GAH), and that was all from you today.
      So thank you (again).

      Also, you saying the first few pages were magical blew my mind as well. I hate the first few pages. I would’ve taken them out altogether if I thought I could get away with it. Mind blown.

      Alright, thank you about fifty more times. And now I’ll stop this mini-novel I’m writing you here.

      (But I should add…At least you didn’t say you wanted to punch me when you finished reading it. haha)

      • Only reason I might want to punch you is that I have to wait to see what happens to them. I understand pretty much everything you say here. When it comes to comments about a book or story I’ve written, it’s the words of strangers that mean a lot more. There is somebody who has posted on Amazon a review of my first novel and a review of one of my short story collections. The short story review just went up yesterday and it’s incredible. From somebody who I don’t know. I was floating on cloud nine for awhile afterwards.
        Glad I could help you get over some of your anxieties about the book. Yes, there are probably lots of reasons I shouldn’t like it, but at the end of the day, what I like is a good story that makes me want to keep reading. Reave did that for me.

      • Haha, yeah, that was the cause for the initial ‘punch’ remark I got. Obviously…I expected a bit of that.

        Exactly. There’s something fantastic/crazy about having someone you’ve never spoken to, or even interacted with, say great things about your work (which I experienced…yesterday).

        I’m so happy about that incredible and unexpected review you got! And best to stay up on that cloud for a little while. Hard to find reasons to visit sometimes, but…it’s pretty nice when you do. 🙂

  4. Hi C. Miller,
    First, congratulations on Reave being published; and second, thanks for following me at gwenpegrampublishing.wordpress.com. I also published my debut novel, The Missing Five, on November 3, 2013, but I have to say my feelings were completely opposite from yours. I was so excited about getting my book published, especially since it was being self-published. I had told so many people–family and friends–in May 2013 (yep, just six months earlier) that I was writing a book. They didn’t call me crazy because they have learned over the years that any idea, cuckoo or not, that pops into my head, I find someway to make it a reality. The only thing that drove me nuts were the 25 (I swear I’m not lying) drafts I printed to proofread my document. I am a copyeditor by profession but I will not do this for my sequel. I will pay someone. I even had my brother and girlfriend of 29 years to review my draft in its 13th stage and there were things they didn’t even catch, although there were many things that they did. I have not read your book but only because all my time is spent virtually on figuring out how to market my book. My goodness, everyone I’ve read about marketing is on target–marketing is more difficult than writing the book. But, I will go to Goodsreads.com and put your book on my “Want to Read Shelf.” I leave you with this. Don’t obsess over what you may have done wrong or what you could have done differently or better, whether it’s publishing the second book first or not. Revel in the joy that YOU published a book. That is exactly what I’m doing because it’s a huge accomplishment. HUGE! and I still in awe when I hold the book in my hand. And still, more than two months later, I am continuously grinning from ear-to-ear that I did it! All the best to you. Hope you have an opportunity to add my book to your bookshelf too. http://www.amazon.com/The-Missing-Five-Gwen-Pegram/dp/0991128508/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388664074&sr=8-1&keywords=gwen+pegram

  5. It’s crazy how people deal with similar things in such different ways. Did you tell your friends and family what your book was about? I only gave people really vague details about mine, and still refrain from saying much at all about it unless I absolutely have to.
    I was excited, in some ways. In the parts the anxiety couldn’t reach. 🙂
    And I have loved all aspects of self-publishing (APART FROM THE MARKETING, which I will touch on in a second), so I definitely understand what you’re saying about that adding some excitement to the whole thing.
    I totally believe you about how many drafts you printed out for editing. I’m running out of space in my house from all the books I have printed out to edit. I haven’t done 25 for each (I’d be so much more broke than I already am if I had to buy THAT much ink), but it’s quite a few…
    Honestly, I love editing them.

    And I completely understand about not reading the book (especially for the reasons). I’m absolutely SWAMPED right now. Marketing/promoting/etc. is seriously SO MUCH HARDER (for me) than the actual writing. I’m not very exceptional at interacting, so that’s a lot of it. I’m kind of feeling like a fish out of water right now. It’s such a difference from the actual writing.

    I added your book to my bookshelf on GR as well (also added you as a friend, if you don’t mind). Do you only have a print copy available?
    Congratulations back to you on YOUR publishing accomplishment, and well-wishes sent your way from me. 🙂

      • Very happy with Smashwords. Authors get higher royalty, readers can download on any eReader, ePub is in pemium catalog on online bookstores (must be vetted), author controls pricing, and author has ability to give readers discounts through discount coupons. View my blog to see a coupon I generated for my book “The Missing Five,” at http://gwenpegrampublishing.wordpress.com.

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