Checklist

Hey there, everybody. Again, it’s been a super long time since I’ve posted on here. Things have been busy, busy, busy. I’m going to get straight to what I have to say, to spare you all the rambling I usually do on here.

As most of you who follow my blog know . . . I have a LOT of different book things going on at once. I unfortunately didn’t realize how overwhelming it would be to have multiple series to work on/get ready. I wouldn’t take back having that many going, but I do wish I would’ve had a better idea of . . . Well, I wish I’d had a better idea about everything. That’s one thing I’ve realized with publishing though – you never have more than a partial clue about anything. You only think you might possibly have one. That’s how it’s been with me, at least.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to get things sorted the last few months so that I’m not living in a constant state of SCRAMBLE (which is going to turn all my hair grey). It’s really an extremely unpleasant state of being, especially when I have such high anxiety anyway.

So, the not-so-great news is: I am taking a break from blogging. This is not a forever thing. This is not me quitting, or not caring. This is just me trying to get things where they need to be in order to utilize time in the long run. Publishing isn’t a sprint. Seems that way sometimes, but it’s really not. I’m not really going anywhere. I just won’t be on here actively for a few more months. (I will be on Twitter though, because it doesn’t take up as much of my time.)

The good news is: Not stressing out about posts and whatnot is going to give me way more time to get things organized and ready. That might not be good for blogging, but it’s good for releasing books. I’ve gotten a lot done the last couple months, and I’m going to be working like crazy to get a handful of things accomplished. Once those are accomplished, I’ll be back on here regularly.

The other thing is: I won’t be COMPLETELY absent from here. What I’m going to do is put a checklist of sorts below for all these things I need to get done. Once I’ve accomplished them, I will come back to this post and cross them off. I know some people actually do check my blog to see if I’ve posted, so this will be a way to let everyone know where I’m at, what I’ve been doing, and a rough estimate of how much longer I’ll be ‘away.’ I will make notes on the list when and where needed, so be on the lookout for that if you want to keep updated. (Such as saying something is in progress or where it’s at in the process.)

I’m thinking this will take a couple months. No, I don’t want to be away that long. I haven’t wanted to be away as long as I have. I just think that in the long run, it’ll be better this way. I’ll update my What’s in the works? page at the beginning of every month (after today), so that’s something to check on if you’re interested, but the checklist will be updated as soon as something is ready to be crossed off. I won’t be posting anything else on here, to keep this up at the top for people to check on.

One more thing before I get to the list. I know I said I’d be releasing my next book last month, but I decided to postpone that for a little while, until I get a bit more feedback on it. (Working on that at the moment, along with several other things.) It will be released during this break I’m taking. If you want to know when it’s released, I won’t be posting that on here (past crossing it off the list). You can follow me on Twitter, like my Facebook page, or add me on GoodReads to hear about/see when that’s out. And/or you can ‘follow’ me on Amazon to get notified of any releases I have. I might even post something on Instagram about it. (This paragraph will either be deleted or crossed off once that book is out. I’m planning on early March and there’s really no reason for being unable to hit this newest projected date.)

On to the checklist! (For any confusion over abbreviations, check my WITW? page. Most of these don’t have actual titles yet, so they get the abbreviations.)

Releases during the break:

  • S4B1 {Unexpected issue with the e-book has arisen. Have to push the release back a few days. Looking at March 12th.}

Cover Stuff:

  • Photo shoot for the rest of the books in the Reave Series (S2) and the spin-off of sorts (SA1)
  • Cover for S2B3
  • Cover for S6B1

Editing/Beta-Reading:

  • S6B1 to editor
  • S2B3 to last beta-reader

Revising (another round of):

  • S2B3, S2B4
  • SA1 (Reave Series spin-off) {Having to fight the temptation to go through it AGAIN because I love it so much. Not the best use of time…}
  • S6 (All three books. Needs to be done before S6B1 can be sent to editor.) [In Progress]

Writing:

  • S8 (I really want to get this finished while I’m away.)

Random/Personal:

  • Talk to/see some of my friends
  • Figure out what to do (if anything) with S1

Top of the list (other than releasing S4B1) despite being at the bottom of the list:

  • Redo the interiors for Reave and Elude, including fixing a few errors in Reave (Goodbye, Typo!) [In Progress] {Updated PRINT version of Reave is available. All others (including Reave e-book) are still the same as of now.}

So, that’s the list. I don’t know if that seems like a lot or not much, but . . . it’s going to be a lot of work and it’s going to take me some time. I know some people are really wanting the next book in the Reave Series, and I’m happy to say that if everything goes as planned, it will be released shortly after I return from this blogging break. I’m looking forward to that. One step closer to the fourth book. 🙂

If you want/need to get in contact with me while I’m away, here isn’t the best place. (I will get to comments and catching up on follows when I return, but likely not before then.) Facebook probably isn’t best either because I won’t be posting on there often. (I don’t get on there often.) I might make a little post on there (FB) to say when I’ve updated this list, so that will be something to watch out for. Anyway, I’ll be most likely to respond to emails in a timely fashion during this break than anything else. So feel free to email me. (Feel free to contact me anywhere, actually. Just know that some means will have a longer wait time.) 🙂

Email address:Email Address

I also just want to say that I miss a lot of you. It gets pretty lonely out here in the shed, especially when I’m buried past my head in work. I hope everyone has been/is doing well. Looking forward to catching up on all I’ve missed!

Updates, updates, updates . . .

Prepare yourselves . . . this post is going to be chockfull of updates. It’s also (likely) going to run long, but it’s been about a month and a half since my last post so there are all sorts of things to talk about.

I’ve been pretty good about giving warning when I’m disappearing (to take a trip to Writer Land). I didn’t do that this time, unless you count Twitter. I’m going to count it, even though I typically don’t count anything as anything unless I’m talking about it on here. I’ll give the occasional update on Facebook, but usually . . . this is the spot for everything. Anyway, with that being said, I should definitely apologize for not giving warning. Then again, I very well could’ve given warning and it’s just been so long that I forgot about it. (Don’t have the time to check.)

I’ve gotten A LOT done lately, though perhaps not necessarily things I ‘should’ve’ been doing, but all that is subjective. Let’s get to it . . .

Update 1: I unfortunately had to push back the projected release of S4B1 (for reference, you can go to my What’s in the Works? page). If things had gone according to plan, it would be coming out in two days. I can’t tell you how unbelievably sad I am to not be getting the 12/13/14 date. I could’ve (should’ve) updated about that sooner, but I was holding onto the hope that everything would work out. Yeah, didn’t happen.

Update 2: Unless the sky actually does fall, I should be able to get this book out on the secondary projected release date that I’d set in my head. Not giving the exact date until I have it formatted (SOOOOOON), but I will say it’s in early January. Unless I chicken out, that book will be out.

Update 3: I will be having the cover/title/blurb reveal for that book once I’m finished formatting. As (I believe) was previously said in a post, the front cover is done and has been for a while now.

I have been writing my little heart out during this absence. Let’s get to those updates . . .

Update 4: I FINISHED WRITING MY 20th BOOK! That was a massive milestone for me, and one I celebrated for all of a few seconds before getting to work on something else. 🙂

Update 5: That 20th book finished was also me finishing up another series. (S6, B3) I was in a bad mood one day and went through those first two books (because they’re funny and would put me in a good mood, which they did), then ended up writing the rest of the third, completing it. (Completing the first (garbage) drafts of the series, at least.)

Update 6: Since then, I’ve been working on the ‘standalone’ that’s attached to the Reave Series. I’d thought that was going to end up being a short story. Yeeeeeah, no. If I had more time, I could get that finished likely within a week. I can’t at the moment. Anyway, that’s going to end up being over twice the length of the longest book I’ve ever written. I’m thinking about releasing it in three parts. And when people realize which character that centers around (after they’re introduced), I’m guessing they’re for sure going to want to get their hands on it. Unless I’m totally twisted in which characters are my favorites and no one agrees with me on that.

This break has seriously been one of the absolute best, most enjoyable stretches of time I’ve had in . . . . . . a long while. I’ve had so much fun working. My poor husband has hardly seen me at all though. It was definitely needed, all the writing. It’s been so fantastic for my headspace. It’s nice, getting to do what you love to. (Nice is the under-exaggeration of ALL TIME here.)

A lot of you likely know that I’d finished writing two different series before I’d ever started my blog. I’d finished three before I released my first book. I thought doing it that way would ensure I had enough material at different stages of readiness before getting sucked into all the ‘other stuff’ that goes along with this. Yeah, I didn’t really plan for how unbelievably overwhelming it was going to be to have so many things going on at once while trying to do ‘other stuff’. I’ve been feeling like I’m drowning in all this for longer than I care to say. I really need to start getting a ‘leg up’ on it, and a few things need to happen in order for that to happen. Life happens, you know, and I’m finding myself without my pool of beta-readers. I need to figure out what to do about that. So there’s one thing.

Also, if you’ve checked my WITW page, you might have seen me saying on S1 that I’ve contemplated getting that ready to release. I’m really putting a lot of thought into that. As most of you know, fantasy is my usual genre. Whenever (a miracle happens and) I finish S8, that will be the third fantasy series I’ll be releasing from. I want to be releasing what I’ve recently been calling ‘palate cleansers’ with/and/or/whatever between those. My writing style with ‘contemporary’ type books and with the fantasy ones is . . . totally different. So I now have S1 and S6 that I can potentially release from (between), if I get/make the time to work on them and get them good enough.

I’m not sure which of those I’d prefer to release from first. They’re both totally different, and they both have their strong (and weak) points. For one, I don’t think I write non-fantasy well, which would be a weak point all around for both. Then again, I won’t do much (anything) more than call myself ‘passably good’ at any point with anything. (Queen of Self-deprecation, at your service.) S6 is kind of hilarious, if you can tolerate a bit of good-natured filth. S1 is a bit cleaner (and yet also not), and is still sort of funny (at points). S6 is more straightforward, story-wise. S1 is more twisted. S6 is three books. S1 is six. S6 is more sci-fi-esque. S1 is paranormal. So I don’t know. It’s all apples to oranges. I don’t know. I haven’t gone through S1 in so long that I honestly don’t even know what sort of state it’s in. (Not a good one, I know that much by the last time I glanced at it.) S6 would be less work overall, due to it being written more recently. I’ve been doing this long enough that I’ve gotten better (slightly more easily-passing than struggling-passing) at it. S6 is also less books to go through, which would mean less overall time to get it better (and less $$ for printing it out multiple times to edit).

I don’t know. I’ll have to be asking people which they would have more interest in where those two series are concerned. Part of me is wondering why it even really matters if I’ll release them all eventually. (Which I think I very well might do despite being sure I wouldn’t release from either series, but it just seems bad to not when someone out there might potentially enjoy them.) But it matters because I have such little time that I need to make sure I’m using it where and on what it needs to be used on. I’ll get it figured out. And I’ll tell you what . . . I really want to finish writing S8. I love that group of characters more than I can say. I honestly have to say it’s a tie between the S8 characters and the S2 (Reave Series) characters. (That’s me saying they’re my two favorites. Yes. I pick favorites of my own work. It’s impossible to not. At least I can admit it.)

But in the meantime, the things I was waiting for where S4 is concerned are all done. Meaning I got it back from my last beta-reader. That means my writing time is finished (for now *sadface*) and I’ll be editing. I need to go through this one more time before formatting. Then it’s formatting. Then it’s getting the back cover done and getting a couple copies out to advance reviewers. Then waiting for the proof. Then release. It didn’t take me long at all to go through this the last time and the things I was worried about changing were unanimous to not be changed, so I’m sticking with it and just going through for typos and the like. I should be able to get this out when planned. (I should start planning to get all my books out on the secondary projected release date with the way things are going.)

SO . . .

My next book will be released in early January 2015, unless the sky falls. Be on the lookout for that, and for the cover reveal (which will be happening soooooon)!

Hope everyone has been well lately. Please be patient with me while I readapt to non-hermit life (and have little mental fits where I figuratively cry and stomp around about it). 🙂

Also, the next week or so will be really busy for me while I’m working on getting this done, but after that . . .

Well, things will still be busy, but I’ll be working on responding to things and whatnot. I just need to make sure I can get this book out on time, so bear with me for a little while longer.

Positivity Journal, Day 50

I got to write that up there ^^^^ down today. Fifty days of the Positivity Journal isn’t exactly a milestone where months are concerned or anything, but fifty days of doing this was definitely a personal milestone. I’d imagine that’s enough time to say I’ve successfully managed to integrate this into my life. Whether or not it’s been a ‘success’ in all aspects I intended with it is yet to be seen. I really like to think it’s brought something positive into my life, but then I could get into the question of how much of a positive mindset is mental (strictly mindset) and how much of it is physical (events). I could ramble for days about that, I’m sure. (Now I’m thinking about Little Giants . . .)

Some days have been harder than others, of course. I feel like most have been salvageable, even when they’re riddled with more than a few frustrating events. My internet going out for ridiculously long stretches of time while I’m trying to do stuff on it doesn’t seem like as big of a deal now as it did on the day of, where almost every negative bullet had at least one F-bomb dropped. I’m not a very patient person, and as I know I’ve said multiple times on here, when I want/need to work on something, it drives me nuts if I can’t. So the internet going out consistently on a ‘catch up’ day makes me feel sort of crazy. Like the sort of crazy where I couldn’t even abandon what I was doing to go write (with a legitimate excuse) because I got so riled up about it.

There have only been a few unsalvageable days, where both events and mindset are concerned. Two, unless I’m missing one. If I’m missing one, I guess whatever happened wasn’t bad enough (at least in comparison) for me to focus on. There was the piracy day. That one’s obvious, and I’ll be honest, it’s still messing with my mindset. (Because it’s not something you can easily put out of your head, especially when you’re still trying to remedy the situation. And I think that, in a sense, it would be a good idea to not let it get completely out of my head.)

Then there was two days ago. I did something stupid. I’m talking potentially catastrophically stupid. I’m talking about the sort of stupid that should never happen because you know so much better and of course you would never be so careless.

I was sending the first book in the trilogy to the next beta-reader, right? I might ought to add that I was getting rushed by outside forces (along with being busy that day and rushing in general trying to get things done), and I’m sure all that played into it. Anyway, I wrote the email address down wrong. Then I typed it up the way I’d written it down. I’m sure you can gather that I sent my book – that I’m getting ready to publish – to some random, unknown person.

It took me a few hours to text and be like, ‘Hey. Did you ever get that?’ (I didn’t want to be annoying.)

‘Not yet.’ (Or something.)

‘Maybe you should check the spam folder.’

Obviously it wasn’t in the spam folder, so the next thing I did was type up the email address in a text with a question mark. Again, I’m sure it’s obvious that the email they sent back was not the same. I immediately checked the message where the email address was initially given to make sure because I could’ve sworn I’d written it down right.

Yeah, I hadn’t. This was totally my bad. When I’ve spent years being so unbelievably careful with my work, I’m still baffled as to how I could’ve done something so careless with it. I guess you get used to stuff, right?

I can’t even explain the panic that ensued. That was probably the fastest (and the most ‘violent’) instance of me going from maybe ten (because I’m never at zero) to one hundred that I can think of. (It was probably more like in the nineties. Getting that close to 100 is terrifying.) Even figuring out about the piracy didn’t happen that fast. There’s always some sort of buildup. This was seriously like snapping your fingers and going straight into panic-mode. I’m sure the bad feelings there were exacerbated by the recent piracy experience and knowing how quickly and easily your work can be messed with, or taken, or whatever.

So, I did what I could. I wrote a new email to whoever it was, explained the situation and whatnot. I tried to send the book to the correct person. Of course . . . internet goes out. About ten seconds later, my computer just . . . froze. (Maybe it was feeding off my vibes?) So I went outside, lit a cigarette, paced around for a minute, then I went and sat down on the concrete, putting my face in my hands. And I just sat there, going through all the potential (bad) scenarios my head could come up with. When I was done with my cigarette (not even sure if I actually smoked it or let it burn, to be honest), I went back inside. I sent the file to the correct person. I retyped the email to the unknown person and left it up until my husband would get home from work, so I could make sure it was alright to send. (It might be weird to some people, but I like to get his opinion on pretty much everything.) When I was done with that, I went and sat down on the couch, and I hugged Pig (my dog) until Husband got home.

Maybe that doesn’t sound like a super big deal to anyone. It was a majorly big deal to me. It was so ignorant and careless, but that sort of stuff happens in life. I guess it’s like taking your kid to a park (or something), taking your eyes off them for a few minutes, then realizing they’re standing next to a complete stranger. But you can’t be eyes-on 24/7. You can try. You can get close to that. But people blink and whatnot. Or accidentally fall asleep while they’re watching TV. You just have to hope that nothing bad happens when you hit the lulling moments. (That the aforementioned ‘stranger’ will ask, “Hey kid, where are your parents?” In this specific case of sending the book, I’d be more than happy with, “Get away from me, kid.”)

Careless mistakes just happen, even when you’re just about as careful as you can possibly be. Kids slam their hands in doors, fall out of trees, trip and bust their faces up. That’s life, right?

I feel like there was an important lesson to be learned for me in this, that it’s further proving what I already know about planning. No matter how meticulous you are, even the best of plans don’t always work out. I guess part of this that’s so hard for me to accept is that I just can’t be revving at NINE THOUSAND at all times. Something’s going to eventually break if I don’t slow my ass down sometimes. And all I can think of now is, ‘Unfortunately, that’s not really an option.’ If I’d just slowed down two days ago . . . this probably wouldn’t have happened.

Anyway, I’m still freaked out about and shaken by that. I’m sure you can guess that after all the piracy garbage (and by reading my second post about that in particular), I’m not exactly at a high where ‘faith in people’ is concerned. So . . . here’s to hoping that everything goes as smoothly as possible with this release, and that whatever address I sent that to is someone’s old, unused email account and that my book never gets seen.

I still feel like a moron. I could say that I wish I didn’t, but I do, and it’s probably best that way. I guess I can equate this to a shock collar. (Which I personally would never use for my dog, so if anyone is shouting, “INHUMANE!” . . . please don’t.) But yeah, where shock collars are relevant to this . . . I guess I won’t be stepping past whichever point in the grass again as long as I keep remembering how unpleasant this is, right?

So yeah. The PJ can’t stop me from getting close to 100. It can’t. It can’t make me feel better when I get close to that. But I do have to believe it’s helping, when two days after the fact, I’m trying to focus on the lessons learned (positive) rather than the event (negative). I have to believe it’s helping when the rational part of myself is able to break through at any point. ‘It’s not like you can’t prove the work is yours.’ That’s true. That’s completely true.

I’m just glad I had however many days of the PJ before the piracy, and before this. Those two things, especially happening that close together? I can imagine they would’ve caused a breakdown of epic proportions that could’ve potentially lasted for some ungodly length of time. I feel like I’m retraining my mind, to some degree, and I don’t think I could’ve/would’ve if I hadn’t started this. So, if there’s anyone else out there like me? Finding your equivalent of my PJ? It couldn’t be a bad idea.

I really don’t mind taking the time out of my days for this, knowing all it’s done for me already.

(Also, I just wanted to say that I’m going to be trying VERY hard today to get caught up with responding to comments on here, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to manage it. I have to do some stuff for the cover art and send a few emails along with that. I’ll be trying. Apologies for the length of time. I’m working on it.)

I still don’t like the word.

I wrote a post last week about having to make some major adjustments. I’m still working on all that. It’s getting a bit better, or I suppose I’m just getting somewhat accustomed to the schedule. Of course there’s one major issue with getting partially adjusted.

I got EXTREMELY far behind again. Catching up with things had seemed to be becoming a bit easier than it used to, so we’ll see how that goes this time. I do have a (partial) solution to what’s (currently) keeping me behind.

I can’t be out in my shed during the entirety of my awake hours anymore, so . . . I’m going to have to do some work *gasp* inside.

I’m not happy about it. Not even a little. The shed is my comfort zone. It’s where I get stuff done. But this is just the way things have to be for right now, so yeah. There are a few things I have to do out here due to needing certain files on Herald (laptop), and any form of book-related writing/editing will need to be done out here. Today, I’m going to try responding to blog stuff/messages/emails inside. I’m not sure how well that will work out, but if it works, I might have to do it that way for . . . ever? Talk about time-splitting, right? This would definitely be an actual split in time. (Shed-work-time and inside-work-time.)

Now I’m thinking about Doctor Who. (No, still haven’t watched any of the Capaldi episodes. I’m (mentally) holding onto Matt Smith and my mind is still refusing to let go.)

Anyway. This is all a major bummer. It’s just now ‘writing weather’ or ‘shed weather.’ It’s not too hot and it’s not too cold, so yeah. This is one of the small chunks of the year where I can be out here comfortably for extended amounts of time, and it’s usually when I get the most accomplished. (Book-wise.) I have to admit that I’m more than slightly tempted to pull the disappearing act again, just so I could get a substantial amount of (book) work done. Okay, it’s more than a temptation. I’m contemplating it. I have about two months or so of ‘nice’ weather (or ‘tolerable’ weather) and the major part of me is saying, “I COULD GET SO MUCH DONE.” But I’d still have to spend a bit more time inside every day, sooooo . . .

Yeah, I honestly can’t say what I’ll end up doing. All I know is that today, I’ll be working on responding to stuff. (At least for a chunk of the day. Whether I’ll get all that done or not . . . who knows?) I should be getting book 1 of the trilogy back today, and I’ll need to be getting that ready to hand off to the next beta-reader (who I’m hoping will tear it apart as requested). That won’t take me too long, but it will definitely keep me occupied tomorrow and possibly the following day, so don’t expect to see me around for long (if at all) then. I don’t know what’s going to happen after that. All I really know is that I won’t actually just disappear without saying something about it. If I choose to spend the writing weather actually writing, I’ll let everyone know. It might not be a super bad idea, with how things are going right now. I don’t know. I’ll need to do some thinking on it.

I’m going to write for a little (????) while then go inside and start tackling all this.

Also, I was behind on the Positivity Journal. I DID manage to get caught up on that, so yay. 😀

So yep, that’s what’s going on here. Hope everyone is doing great. 🙂

 

Positivity Journal, Week Three

Yesterday I got to write ‘Day 21’ down in the Positivity Journal. So I’ve kept with it for three weeks now, and that’s pretty cool.  Apart from a few stray days here and there, things have been going well here. Sure, there was yesterday where I was dealing with some major dizziness/general discombobulation. The positive of that was getting to write the word discombobulation. I love words, and all . . .

There have been the other negatives. One of those being that playing Destiny has gotten me far behind on . . . pretty much everything. Okay, okay, I’ve written a bit as well (though not anywhere near the amount I did the week before this last one), and that hasn’t helped with getting caught up. The positive to that is . . . I’ve written. The positive to playing Destiny is that I’ve got to spend some time with Husband. Also, it’s fun.

There was even a ‘family’ sort of ‘issue’ the other day that took up an entire page to explain due to my unhappiness/frustration over it. And yet I was still able to find a positive in it.

I really have to believe that the PJ is a positive thing for me all around. Even on the frustrating days, it’s nice to actually pick out something good that happened, write it down, and say, “Okay. This is the thing to focus on here.”

I’m sure there will be the odd irredeemable day here and there. (Such as the day where I was trying to get some stuff done and my internet was refusing to cooperate. That day was filled with – after – after – of me complaining about the internet, not to mention the generally negative remarks of things along the lines of ‘this figures’.) Such is life.

I’m sort of adapting it as I go along. I started keeping a ‘Stat Count’ early into it. Every day (or night, depending on), I’ll write a few things down to keep track of. They get their own positives and negatives. Being able to write down [+16,011 words written] one day was both unbelievable and fantastic. (That was during the writing week, where I needed to get that part of the story out. Getting that many words out in one day has its downfalls. Such as being so out of it by the end that I’ll be missing two words from every other sentence. It happens, and it’s fixable.)

I just think it will be really awesome to look back one day and be like, “Yeah, so that must’ve been one of those days where I did absolutely nothing but write. That must’ve been a great day.”

I’ve seriously been keeping track of basically everything, even down to ‘Wrote a chapter. S8, B5, C2 +3, 777.’ (That’s the most recent one, and it was done yesterday when I was recovering from all the dizziness. There’s no telling how horrible it is.) So not only will I be able to look back and know which book I was working on, but also the chapter, which will be exceptionally cool for the ones that stick out pretty far in my memory. “Yeah, that was a horrible chapter. Definitely not going to be comfortable when my mom reads that.” (I don’t need to write that sentence down to remember it, and yes, that chapter mentioned at the top of this paragraph is definitely one that messes with the comfort level. I’ve been writing a lot of those lately, seems like. Makes me feel like I’m doing something right, if it can make me uncomfortable.)

My inner ‘control freak’ must be having the time of her life with this. I can only guess because she tries very hard to keep herself quiet. (Doesn’t always work.) (Okay, enough of talking about some aspect of myself in third-person.) My days have been structured, and that’s more comforting for me than I can even explain. I’d almost wonder if that would make me more willing to step out of my comfort zone (which pretty much just requires taking ONE STEP ANYWHERE), or at least better able to handle it, but if my latest experience at the Post Office is any indication? Yeah, I’m still just as awkward and uncomfortable. Don’t even want to think about that, but even my husband said he could tell how uncomfortable I was, and he’s usually all, “You did fine.”

I do worry about myself sometimes. Then again, I worry about pretty much everything all the time. Take today, for example. I’m still on the first page of the PJ and there are two separate bullets about different worries. That’s me.

That’s basically it as far as what’s going on, but I do have one more thing to say.

I had an idea yesterday to start a new ongoing post, of sorts. They’ll be short and something I could for sure make the time to write up weekly. I’m not sure that anyone would want to read them, but . . . short. Enough said there, with how my posts seem to go (long), and a few people still read those for some reason. So maybe. I guess I’ll just have to try it out. Sort of like how hardly anybody checks out my Friday Music posts, but I still do them anyway from time to time. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I honestly don’t even know what I’m talking about at the moment. Still not coherent.

Anyway . . . I hope everyone is having a great week so far. I’ll be working on getting caught up, but if it takes me a bit to respond to things, you can assume I’m playing Destiny. Or writing. Or working on getting caught up with something else.

kbai

Oh yeah, one more thing? I am pissed off about Master Chef. Just saying.

And Stuff . . .

It’s been a pretty great week here, which is always a fantastic thing to be able to say. I’ve got (most of) another week down in the Positivity Journal, which is good. I’m still not sure if that’s actually helping, but I’m still glad to be doing it. Maybe these last two weeks have just been better, or maybe writing down all that stuff is extremely beneficial for my state of mind. (It is.)

Surprising that it’s been less than a week since I posted on here last, which is good for me. It’s even more surprising that I feel like I have twenty million things to talk about.

I’ve been absolutely consumed with writing the last several days, to the point where I pretty much did nothing else. Seriously, pretty much nothing else. I’ve had bouts of LOTSAWRITING somewhat recently, but those were mostly due to trying to utilize what time I was giving myself to write. This week it’s been NEEDTOGETTHISOUT writing, where the story must be told and you really don’t have much of a choice but to do it. I kept telling myself that I had stuff I needed to do (always referred to as ‘other stuff’ in my PJ), that I was going to get behind again after pretty much getting caught up (whodathunkit?), but I was seriously concerned about losing momentum with this. And truth be told, I was just happy to feel like that again. (Where I was so excited about writing that I stayed up until my eyes felt like they’d turned to sand, then woke up a few hours later to get back to it and repeat the process.) I could probably (definitely) keep the rest of the series going in this way, but alas, responsibilities and all . . . (Can’t completely ignore one child [series] just because another is demanding attention.)

I’ve watched quite a bit of shows (somewhat) recently (though not during those few days of writing). Had to get Hulu so I could get caught up with Once Upon a Time before it came back on. STOKED about that now that I’ve finished season 3. While watching that, there kept being adverts for Sleepy Hollow, so I gave that a try and watched all of the first season. I was pleasantly surprised by that, mostly for the premise. (I do have to say that I wish I’d gotten hold of the script and whatnot before they filmed it. [If you stick your ring in the wall and it stays in the wall when it raises, how is your ring back on your finger when the wall stays up the entire time????????]) Sure, the acting could’ve been better (it did get better), but the whole concept was/is just super cool to me. Looking forward to that. (Also, as angry as the season ending made me, I have to give props to any show that can make my eye twitch due to the ending and my frustration over it. *cough* Lost *cough*)

I was going on IMDB to look up something a bit ago (I am on there a lot) and saw that James Corden will be taking over The Late Late Show. STOKED. I’d never been into those late night shows until a few months ago. Husband and I gave Conan a try (he used to watch it when he was younger) because nothing else was on. Then I got hooked. Then got frustrated due to how often Conan re-airs episodes so we started watching Jimmy Fallon now that we have Hulu and there’s a backlog of episodes. LOVE IT. Well, I love everything about it apart from ol’ whatshisface on there. (Still trying to figure out why hosts need a host????) Anyway, I saw James Corden when watching Doctor Who, so I’ll probably at least give that a try. (Glad I didn’t give up on those shows when catching a bit of Seth Myers before starting with Conan. And can I just add . . . Has ANYONE ELSE noticed that Seth Myers looks exactly like Ben Stiller????)

Anyway, all those shows have given me a somewhat different perspective on actors. Like Vin Diesel. I was pleasantly surprised by him. Still really dislike Jason Statham, no surprise there. (No, I do not like him.) It’s been pretty cool. (Can I also add . . . I want a baby Groot. So bad.) Good wind-down shows while I’m having my cup of milk before bed.

I’m excited about this week. I’m going to be spending the day with my mom (hopefully tomorrow), which I haven’t done in a while. I’ll also be getting to see some of my favorite people in the world (that I haven’t seen in an unacceptably long time).

Destiny is coming out, and I’ve been looking forward to that for . . . long time. Sure, they took the split-screen co-op out (WTF? GAAAAAH! >.<), but I’m still going to give it a shot. If I like it, Husband and I will have to buy ANOTHER copy (yaaaaay for money-drains!) to play it together. But I’m hoping it’s as good as it’s hyped up to be. Stoked, yet apprehensive. Trying not to get too stoked (because then I get the kind of upset where I start shouting about split-screen co-op being removed) because I don’t want to be disappointed . . .

Got some really fantastic reviews for Reave pretty recently, and that makes me super happy.

Also made a new friend, which also makes me super happy.

am starting to wonder if some of my real life friends have gotten completely fed up with my workaholic ways and have zero intention of ever speaking to me again. That doesn’t make me super happy.

Painted my nails a color called Blue Suede Shoes, which makes me want to wear my pair of blue suede heels (had to get them on principle). Not that I wear heels because . . . totally don’t. Not that not wearing heels stops me from purchasing heels because . . . totally doesn’t. I keep hoping that one day I’ll have an excuse to get out of my pajamas and out into the world, where people do stuff. The excuse would be a friend that would pull me out of my shed. Yeah, Husband and I need to get out more.

This is starting to turn into a generalized yet more thorough version of my PJ, so I should probably put a stop to this post despite feeling like I could go on (and on and on). I’ve just been in a good mood (which is a nice change from that horrible one that wouldn’t go away), so yeah. I’m thinking that getting consumed by writing has more to do with it than anything, but we shall see.

Hope everyone is doing super fantastically awesome and stuff.

(Apologies for any [non-purposeful] errors in this. I am extremely tired.)

Positivity Journal

I usually apologize when I haven’t been on here (or anywhere) for a while. I’m not going to do that this time. I’ll explain, and explaining will (eventually) get me to the title of this post. This is going to be a long one. Proceed if you dare . . .

I posted something about a month ago that I really didn’t want to, talking about how I (mentally) was not doing so great. Then I posted about two weeks later that I was feeling better (in comparison). The in comparison was key there. The fact of the matter is that the not-so-greatness has been going on for well over a month and a half now. I’d usually rather not say anything like that, and I believe I’ve only done so on here a small handful of times. No matter what sort of stuff [going on in my life] I talk about on here, this is ‘work-related’ to me. This blog has my ‘author name’ on it, my ‘author photo,’ etc. This isn’t a space where I toss my deepest feelings out into the abyss of the interwebz. I don’t toss my deepest feelings out anywhere, really, apart from in one-on-one conversations. That’s just me. So apart from saying, “I’m in a weird/bad/whatever headspace,” there’s usually not anything like that. That might change one day, but I’m not holding my breath for it.

The only reason I ever post things along the lines of what I did a month or so ago is when whatever headspace I’m in starts impacting my work rather than my life outside of work. It definitely has this time.

Typically, when I get in ‘a mood,’ I’m so preoccupied with work that I don’t even have the time to think about it. I have such a one-track mind and get so focused on what I’m doing that whatever else is going on in my life sort of slips somewhere behind a closed door in the back of my head. Sometimes (like when I’m writing), I’ll get so caught up in what I’m doing that the door doesn’t even have the chance to get opened again. Then, by the time I might’ve gotten around to it, whatever was causing the unpleasantness has usually lessened for some reason or another. (Issues getting resolved or me just calming down about whatever it was.)

This has probably been the worst mindset I’ve been in for . . . a very long time. I tried just about everything to drag myself out of it. I wrote. (I FINISHED ANOTHER BOOK.) I did (a few) non-writing work-related things. I got out of the shed. (A lot of that was due to a messed up sleep schedule/sleep related issues and it being too hot for me out here.) I played video games. I watched some TV. Did (a few) things outside (and got a good reminder of why I enjoy being indoors). I EVEN GOT OUT OF THE STATE.

I really tried just about everything, and no matter how okay (and even sometimes great) I would be doing at any point, I kept mentally backsliding. Now, we all know (and I have no problem with admitting) that I am a very negative person. (Not outwardly, but inside my head.) I used to consider myself realistic, and I don’t think it really hit me just how much I was kidding myself with that until pretty recently. I do believe that I look at the glass as neither half-full nor half-empty, only that there’s a glass filled to the midway point, but I’m always worst-case scenario. I’m always planning things out and trying to mentally prepare myself for whatever horrible thing that’s next on the path. That’s just me. And really, in a way, I’m totally fine with that. I wouldn’t be me if my dad couldn’t make jokes about the sky falling and me responding with something like, “If [whatever] happened . . . it could.”

I don’t have a problem with that sort of thing, but I WILL admit that I’m getting worse about it, and I don’t like that. I feel like in a lot of ways, my anxiety has even gotten worse. And I’ve been trying to push myself out of my ‘safe bubble comfort zone’ for a while now.

And it’s so freaking weird, because at some point along the way, I’d slowed down all the negativity in my head that I was really worried about – the negativity that pertained to my work. The, ‘What makes you think you could ever do this?’ sort of questions. The, ‘You know you’re not good enough for this,’ remarks. The responses to those had turned into, “Because I can,” and either, “Yes I am,” or, “I’m doing it anyway.”

So what’s been with the mood? I’m still not really sure, but I’ll be honest and admit that I’ve kind of been a wreck lately. I’m sure pretty much everybody knows there are some times that are harder than others to put a (figurative or literal) smile on your face just because you have to. It’s been hard for me lately, when trying to take care of all the stuff that needs doing. So I didn’t do much of it.

I cry a lot over weird things. Movies, TV shows, sometimes music. Sometimes commercials. When I say cry, I mean tear up. I don’t actually cry often. (You may think it’s not weird to cry at the things I mentioned, but it’s what sets it off that makes the crying so weird. If I watch LOTR:ROTK by myself, I’ll sob when they’re all riding into battle. It’s just so epic. Even after watching it more times than I even know, I still fight against sobs.) I cry REAL GOOD (getting all Southern there) when I’m writing/editing sometimes. The point of saying that or even bringing it up at all is . . . I don’t cry about my real life often. Once in a blue moon, usually when I’m extremely frustrated over something that makes complete sense to be up-in-the-air about. So when it gets to the point where nothing in particular has happened, and I’m just feeling nothing short of completely broken down . . . that obviously means I let myself get past an okay point to be.

I don’t really have a solution for it. (Though starting to re-watch Merlin drastically improved my mood.) I can’t magically make this workload go down. Even working on it doesn’t really put a dent in it. This isn’t a story in a book I’m writing, where I can depend on fake people to fix something. This is my real life. I’m just a feeble, little human. And no matter how I feel about my books, or my work in general, sometimes I need a good reminding that I’m more important than they are. (Because I can’t get them out of my head if I’m not in a place where I can.) It’s easy to forget sometimes, and it’s just as easy to beat myself up over needing to get whatever done and not doing it when I think I should.

So while it almost feels like it killed a part of my soul (I say that about a lot of things but rarely mean it like I do here) to not work as much, or as well, or as efficiently as what I ‘should’ have . . . I needed the break. That’s why I really can’t apologize for missing the posts I’d JUST set a schedule for, because I needed to take care of myself. And you know what? It’s been really freaking nice to spend some substantial time with my husband.

I’ve realized that I can’t stick to any sort of actual schedule right now. I just can’t manage it, and that’s okay. (Did more of that writing up posts on here and not posting them stuff.) Trying to do that didn’t actually help like I thought it would. It just made things worse for me. So I’m just going to post about whatever, whenever (like I’ve done pretty much forever on here). The sky isn’t going to fall down. People might have issues with how long it’s taken me to comment back, but I WILL comment back. And I’d rather say what I want to say when I can say it than say what I can say in a small space of time. (That makes sense in my head. I know I could’ve worded it better.)

Anyway, the whole point of all this is the title. I read an article today, and it was almost like something clicked in my head. I really feel like I’ve been in this cesspool of negativity for FAR too long. (I don’t like not being able to work.) I thought of an idea earlier.

I’m going to start a positivity journal. Not like a real journal, with feelings and all. More like a list.

I wrote however many words today. I actually went to the gym. I got whatever done. This happened. So and so said this to me. I laughed about some event.

And not all positives either. I’m going to put the negatives in there too. (Herald’s E-key broke. Husband fixed it.) Because when you break down your days, you might have one massive negative, but you’re going to have a crapton of small positives thrown in there. For someone who naturally focuses on negatives . . .

I just don’t want to do that anymore. I feel like writing it all down might put things in a different perspective for me. I’m hoping so.

I’m just a feeble, little human, and my feelings are relevant. Being down, or overwhelmed, or sad, or angry . . . that’s relevant. But those are the things I naturally cling to. Those are the things I typically remember when all of this other stuff slips out of my head. (My memory is so bad.) And I would really like to remember everything else.

Husband and I had a talk about [something awesome] today. It really meant a lot to me.

I accomplished this today.

So I’ll be able to look back at some point, and I’ll remember the moment of writing it down if I write it down, meaning I’ll actually remember the event. (I remember almost everything that I actually write down.) One thousand words written might not seem like much, but they add up. Add about 90,000 more and you’ve got a book. All the days broken down.

I don’t expect doing this to change me. I’m the most self-deprecating person ever. (If you want to challenge me on that, we’ll lose together.) I’ve mastered getting in my own way, and I’ve lived most of my life like that. (What a skill to master!) So I might have a day where the sky is falling down inside my head because my anxiety is intent on pulling the damn thing down, but that doesn’t change what’s going on around me.

My feelings, no matter how relevant, do not undermine my accomplishments, my dreams, or the good things that happen to me.

I’m not aiming to fill my life with only positives. I’m too realistic (there’s that word again) for that. I’m aiming to acknowledge and accept the positives that already exist. That’s all, and I think this is a good start.

I know there are a lot of people like me out there, and really . . . I just wish so badly that we could all let ourselves focus on the good. Good things happen. It’s easy to forget sometimes, overlook. I just don’t want to do that anymore. Whatever struggles anyone else is going through . . . I hope you find a way to overcome them. I really do. I’m working on my way.

No matter what I’m working on, I just have to remember that my most important WIP . . . is me.