Book Stuff . . .

I’m definitely feeling better today than I was when I posted last. I can’t say that I’m back at 100% or even very close to that, but closer than. I’ll take that. Maybe a lot of it has to do with book stuff, but I’m sure getting to hang out with my husband and game for a while helped quite a bit. On to the book stuff!

The front cover for the first book in the trilogy is done. (No, not dropping the title yet. That’ll come with the reveal.) I’m planning on doing the reveal soon, probably one month (exactly) from the (projected) release date. I might change my mind about when with that. If I do, it’ll be a sooner rather than later thing. Everything still seems to be on track for me to actually hit that projected release date. I’m not sure they’re on track enough for me to be comfortable giving the projected release date. For now, I’ll just say . . .

The projected release date for the first book in the trilogy falls in mid-December.

Obviously that’s subject to change, depending on whether some unforeseen issue arises. If any unforeseen issues do arise, I’ll let everyone know as soon as possible.

Anyway, I might be feeling better due to knowing I’m close to being busy with book stuff again. By ‘close,’ I mean, ‘I can probably start doing some of that stuff right now.’

One thing I would really like to do is go through that book again before I get it back from who has it right now, just to potentially tighten it up a bit more. I’m still torn on whether to cut a few chunks of it out, but I’m going to need more opinions on that. (Waiting on those.) If I do decide to cut one major part, that would be an issue that might impact the release date. (Cutting other, smaller chunks wouldn’t cause problems with the date.) As a rule, I don’t like cutting from books. I know you’re supposed to or whatever, but I typically feel that something isn’t there unless it’s supposed to be there. Out of all the books I’ve finished writing (19. So close to hitting a big milestone with that!), this particular book is the only one that’s made me stop and wonder if it would be better to be missing a particular (pretty massive) chunk. Better experience-wise. (I’m not including two books that I re-wrote in the ‘chunk removal’ talk because those were complete changes.) I’m not sure, and as I said, I need more opinions on it. I’ll have to wait a small bit to get those.

So yeah, going through that book again is top priority for this week. It shouldn’t take me long (depending on how much ‘other stuff’ I do) because I’ve already done just about everything I can do to it. (Unless I want to wait a few years for my writing/skill level to change again, and if I start waiting for that, I’ll never release anything, ever.)

Along with that, I want to write up a post on here about releasing from a different series than what I already have out. That should come within a few days so be on the lookout for it.

Along with that, I’ll be trying to get caught up with responding to things. I didn’t get completely done with that before my husband had his days off work. So I guess I’ll be doing some time-splitting this week.

We’ll see how all that stuff goes.

Hope everyone is doing super great. I’ll be trying not to be impacted too much by the ‘writing weather’ going on here. 🙂

I think I hate you, Mercury.

I feel like I owe everyone an apology, partially for a sort of absence on here and mostly due to how long it’s been taking me to get back with . . . everyone. I wonder if there will ever be a point in time where it doesn’t take me such ridiculously long stretches to get back with people consistently.

Yeah, probably not.

I guess I just need to accept that. I mentioned in the last post that my husband always tells me, “You’re only one person.” Obviously I hear that when I get stressed about one thing or another with work, at least when I’m stressing to the point where I tell him about it. Honestly? I hear that at least once a week. Seems like every time I do one thing, there’s this little voice telling me I should be doing something else. (Sometimes it’s not little in the slightest.) ‘It’s taken you over three hours to write this email. Don’t you know you have book stuff to be doing?’ (It happens.) ‘You’re writing right now? Don’t you know you have a pile of things you need to respond to? These people are going to think you’re a major a-hole.’

Lately it’s been, ‘You’re not doing anything productive? Don’t you know you have this massive pile of things that need doing? I mean, really. Aren’t you aware?’

I’ve been in a slump for about three weeks now, the sort of slump that I absolutely hate. I can usually get stuff done in some regard no matter how I’m feeling. The last few weeks? Nope.

I blamed it on the bad feels from the piracy garbage for about two and a half of those weeks. I’d tried to write afterward (because that almost always makes me feel better), and it just wasn’t working. It felt like I’d been sapped of about 94% of my energy stores. I also blamed it on the new scheduling and being awake (mostly) during the day. (My brain doesn’t function as well when it’s light outside. No joke.) I blamed it on the stress of upcoming releases and scrambling trying to get stuff done. But whatever I was feeling went beyond all that. Usually, no matter what is going on, I can and will find something to do. I just haven’t wanted to. (Not that I haven’t done anything at all, but nowhere near as much as I should have.)

So I was at the beginning of writing up this post, sitting here thinking about how there had to be some sort of reasoning for the sapping-feeling. (At least when it has lasted this long.) I thought about SAD yesterday, but fall isn’t depressing for me. Fall and winter have been great for me (writing-wise) in the past. I’m excited about fall and winter. (Besides, I’ve seen more sun in the last month than I did in all of spring and summer combined, I think.) I’ve worried more than once that I was having another repeat of whatever in the world was going on with me back in the summer, where I spent waaaaay too long so far down in something negative that I was concerned I’d somehow had some major personality shift or something. But this has been more a lack of energy/drive than legitimate down feelings.

For amusement, I looked up if Mercury was in retrograde again. You know what? IT IS. And WHEN did it start?

Three weeks ago.

Initially, I laughed the ‘Mercury in retrograde’ stuff off. I posted about it, mostly to be funny (and because I thought it was strange). I’m starting to wonder if it actually does make a difference, at least with me. I just think it’s weird that this feeling started at the beginning of it and has lasted the whole way through it, YET AGAIN.

The good news?

It supposedly ends tomorrow. I would say that if I miraculously feel closer to 100% tomorrow, then I’d be set on it. But if that happens, I’ll probably go with it being a mental thing. I’d imagine I’m going to spend the rest of the day thinking that things are going to get better tomorrow, which will (possibly) in turn make things better tomorrow. (At least where my headspace is concerned.)

To be honest though, just potentially seeing a light at the end of this tunnel does make me feel better. I miss being at 100% and having the feeling that I actually accomplished stuff.

Like I said, I haven’t been completely idle. Things are still moving along with the cover for the first in the trilogy. The front cover is almost complete (just needs the font). The back (cover) is on hold at the moment because I haven’t finished writing the blurb for it. I’m really so horrible at blurbs. I have been super excited about that. (The cover, not the blurb-writing.) And things are still looking good for me to hit the projected release date for it in December. So all that is really great. Obviously I’m still worried that something is going to happen to prevent that. I’m always ‘looking up and waiting for the sky to fall’ . . .

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, I hope everyone has been doing fantastically, and I really hope that whatever is going on with me hasn’t been messing with any of you. I’m really starting to think that Mercury is a major a-hole.

Positivity Journal, Day 50

I got to write that up there ^^^^ down today. Fifty days of the Positivity Journal isn’t exactly a milestone where months are concerned or anything, but fifty days of doing this was definitely a personal milestone. I’d imagine that’s enough time to say I’ve successfully managed to integrate this into my life. Whether or not it’s been a ‘success’ in all aspects I intended with it is yet to be seen. I really like to think it’s brought something positive into my life, but then I could get into the question of how much of a positive mindset is mental (strictly mindset) and how much of it is physical (events). I could ramble for days about that, I’m sure. (Now I’m thinking about Little Giants . . .)

Some days have been harder than others, of course. I feel like most have been salvageable, even when they’re riddled with more than a few frustrating events. My internet going out for ridiculously long stretches of time while I’m trying to do stuff on it doesn’t seem like as big of a deal now as it did on the day of, where almost every negative bullet had at least one F-bomb dropped. I’m not a very patient person, and as I know I’ve said multiple times on here, when I want/need to work on something, it drives me nuts if I can’t. So the internet going out consistently on a ‘catch up’ day makes me feel sort of crazy. Like the sort of crazy where I couldn’t even abandon what I was doing to go write (with a legitimate excuse) because I got so riled up about it.

There have only been a few unsalvageable days, where both events and mindset are concerned. Two, unless I’m missing one. If I’m missing one, I guess whatever happened wasn’t bad enough (at least in comparison) for me to focus on. There was the piracy day. That one’s obvious, and I’ll be honest, it’s still messing with my mindset. (Because it’s not something you can easily put out of your head, especially when you’re still trying to remedy the situation. And I think that, in a sense, it would be a good idea to not let it get completely out of my head.)

Then there was two days ago. I did something stupid. I’m talking potentially catastrophically stupid. I’m talking about the sort of stupid that should never happen because you know so much better and of course you would never be so careless.

I was sending the first book in the trilogy to the next beta-reader, right? I might ought to add that I was getting rushed by outside forces (along with being busy that day and rushing in general trying to get things done), and I’m sure all that played into it. Anyway, I wrote the email address down wrong. Then I typed it up the way I’d written it down. I’m sure you can gather that I sent my book – that I’m getting ready to publish – to some random, unknown person.

It took me a few hours to text and be like, ‘Hey. Did you ever get that?’ (I didn’t want to be annoying.)

‘Not yet.’ (Or something.)

‘Maybe you should check the spam folder.’

Obviously it wasn’t in the spam folder, so the next thing I did was type up the email address in a text with a question mark. Again, I’m sure it’s obvious that the email they sent back was not the same. I immediately checked the message where the email address was initially given to make sure because I could’ve sworn I’d written it down right.

Yeah, I hadn’t. This was totally my bad. When I’ve spent years being so unbelievably careful with my work, I’m still baffled as to how I could’ve done something so careless with it. I guess you get used to stuff, right?

I can’t even explain the panic that ensued. That was probably the fastest (and the most ‘violent’) instance of me going from maybe ten (because I’m never at zero) to one hundred that I can think of. (It was probably more like in the nineties. Getting that close to 100 is terrifying.) Even figuring out about the piracy didn’t happen that fast. There’s always some sort of buildup. This was seriously like snapping your fingers and going straight into panic-mode. I’m sure the bad feelings there were exacerbated by the recent piracy experience and knowing how quickly and easily your work can be messed with, or taken, or whatever.

So, I did what I could. I wrote a new email to whoever it was, explained the situation and whatnot. I tried to send the book to the correct person. Of course . . . internet goes out. About ten seconds later, my computer just . . . froze. (Maybe it was feeding off my vibes?) So I went outside, lit a cigarette, paced around for a minute, then I went and sat down on the concrete, putting my face in my hands. And I just sat there, going through all the potential (bad) scenarios my head could come up with. When I was done with my cigarette (not even sure if I actually smoked it or let it burn, to be honest), I went back inside. I sent the file to the correct person. I retyped the email to the unknown person and left it up until my husband would get home from work, so I could make sure it was alright to send. (It might be weird to some people, but I like to get his opinion on pretty much everything.) When I was done with that, I went and sat down on the couch, and I hugged Pig (my dog) until Husband got home.

Maybe that doesn’t sound like a super big deal to anyone. It was a majorly big deal to me. It was so ignorant and careless, but that sort of stuff happens in life. I guess it’s like taking your kid to a park (or something), taking your eyes off them for a few minutes, then realizing they’re standing next to a complete stranger. But you can’t be eyes-on 24/7. You can try. You can get close to that. But people blink and whatnot. Or accidentally fall asleep while they’re watching TV. You just have to hope that nothing bad happens when you hit the lulling moments. (That the aforementioned ‘stranger’ will ask, “Hey kid, where are your parents?” In this specific case of sending the book, I’d be more than happy with, “Get away from me, kid.”)

Careless mistakes just happen, even when you’re just about as careful as you can possibly be. Kids slam their hands in doors, fall out of trees, trip and bust their faces up. That’s life, right?

I feel like there was an important lesson to be learned for me in this, that it’s further proving what I already know about planning. No matter how meticulous you are, even the best of plans don’t always work out. I guess part of this that’s so hard for me to accept is that I just can’t be revving at NINE THOUSAND at all times. Something’s going to eventually break if I don’t slow my ass down sometimes. And all I can think of now is, ‘Unfortunately, that’s not really an option.’ If I’d just slowed down two days ago . . . this probably wouldn’t have happened.

Anyway, I’m still freaked out about and shaken by that. I’m sure you can guess that after all the piracy garbage (and by reading my second post about that in particular), I’m not exactly at a high where ‘faith in people’ is concerned. So . . . here’s to hoping that everything goes as smoothly as possible with this release, and that whatever address I sent that to is someone’s old, unused email account and that my book never gets seen.

I still feel like a moron. I could say that I wish I didn’t, but I do, and it’s probably best that way. I guess I can equate this to a shock collar. (Which I personally would never use for my dog, so if anyone is shouting, “INHUMANE!” . . . please don’t.) But yeah, where shock collars are relevant to this . . . I guess I won’t be stepping past whichever point in the grass again as long as I keep remembering how unpleasant this is, right?

So yeah. The PJ can’t stop me from getting close to 100. It can’t. It can’t make me feel better when I get close to that. But I do have to believe it’s helping, when two days after the fact, I’m trying to focus on the lessons learned (positive) rather than the event (negative). I have to believe it’s helping when the rational part of myself is able to break through at any point. ‘It’s not like you can’t prove the work is yours.’ That’s true. That’s completely true.

I’m just glad I had however many days of the PJ before the piracy, and before this. Those two things, especially happening that close together? I can imagine they would’ve caused a breakdown of epic proportions that could’ve potentially lasted for some ungodly length of time. I feel like I’m retraining my mind, to some degree, and I don’t think I could’ve/would’ve if I hadn’t started this. So, if there’s anyone else out there like me? Finding your equivalent of my PJ? It couldn’t be a bad idea.

I really don’t mind taking the time out of my days for this, knowing all it’s done for me already.

(Also, I just wanted to say that I’m going to be trying VERY hard today to get caught up with responding to comments on here, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to manage it. I have to do some stuff for the cover art and send a few emails along with that. I’ll be trying. Apologies for the length of time. I’m working on it.)

I still don’t like the word.

I wrote a post last week about having to make some major adjustments. I’m still working on all that. It’s getting a bit better, or I suppose I’m just getting somewhat accustomed to the schedule. Of course there’s one major issue with getting partially adjusted.

I got EXTREMELY far behind again. Catching up with things had seemed to be becoming a bit easier than it used to, so we’ll see how that goes this time. I do have a (partial) solution to what’s (currently) keeping me behind.

I can’t be out in my shed during the entirety of my awake hours anymore, so . . . I’m going to have to do some work *gasp* inside.

I’m not happy about it. Not even a little. The shed is my comfort zone. It’s where I get stuff done. But this is just the way things have to be for right now, so yeah. There are a few things I have to do out here due to needing certain files on Herald (laptop), and any form of book-related writing/editing will need to be done out here. Today, I’m going to try responding to blog stuff/messages/emails inside. I’m not sure how well that will work out, but if it works, I might have to do it that way for . . . ever? Talk about time-splitting, right? This would definitely be an actual split in time. (Shed-work-time and inside-work-time.)

Now I’m thinking about Doctor Who. (No, still haven’t watched any of the Capaldi episodes. I’m (mentally) holding onto Matt Smith and my mind is still refusing to let go.)

Anyway. This is all a major bummer. It’s just now ‘writing weather’ or ‘shed weather.’ It’s not too hot and it’s not too cold, so yeah. This is one of the small chunks of the year where I can be out here comfortably for extended amounts of time, and it’s usually when I get the most accomplished. (Book-wise.) I have to admit that I’m more than slightly tempted to pull the disappearing act again, just so I could get a substantial amount of (book) work done. Okay, it’s more than a temptation. I’m contemplating it. I have about two months or so of ‘nice’ weather (or ‘tolerable’ weather) and the major part of me is saying, “I COULD GET SO MUCH DONE.” But I’d still have to spend a bit more time inside every day, sooooo . . .

Yeah, I honestly can’t say what I’ll end up doing. All I know is that today, I’ll be working on responding to stuff. (At least for a chunk of the day. Whether I’ll get all that done or not . . . who knows?) I should be getting book 1 of the trilogy back today, and I’ll need to be getting that ready to hand off to the next beta-reader (who I’m hoping will tear it apart as requested). That won’t take me too long, but it will definitely keep me occupied tomorrow and possibly the following day, so don’t expect to see me around for long (if at all) then. I don’t know what’s going to happen after that. All I really know is that I won’t actually just disappear without saying something about it. If I choose to spend the writing weather actually writing, I’ll let everyone know. It might not be a super bad idea, with how things are going right now. I don’t know. I’ll need to do some thinking on it.

I’m going to write for a little (????) while then go inside and start tackling all this.

Also, I was behind on the Positivity Journal. I DID manage to get caught up on that, so yay. 😀

So yep, that’s what’s going on here. Hope everyone is doing great. 🙂

 

One of my least favorite words . . .

I’m currently dealing with a major adjustment. It’s not anything bad. It’s actually really good, but as many of you may know by reading my blogs . . . I am a creature of habit. The sky can be the wrong shade of blue and throw me off for the rest of the day. Clearly that’s an exaggeration (of sorts), but that’s really about how it goes.

I have my way of doing things, and my way works for me. Maybe it doesn’t always work as well as I’d like for it to, especially where blogging and responding (to anything) is concerned, but it works. I have my schedule, my routine. It took me a while to get all that figured out, to fall (or force myself) into a routine where I could work efficiently. When I stopped just writing books and jumped into blogging and all the ‘other stuff,’ that was another major adjustment – one I still hadn’t figured out but had finally accepted that I sort of couldn’t figure out and just had to go with. It took me a long time to find my routine, and when I did, I grabbed hold of it with iron fists. So . . . I have my routine, and it works.

I should be talking about it in past-tense, right? I really should.

So yeah. Adjustments. I’m not very exceptional at adjusting. I’m not even good at adjusting. I’d only consider myself passable at adjusting if there’s no time limit on how long is acceptable for whatever adjustment to take place. Even just writing the word adjust (like I did fifty times just now) makes me cringe. If my anxiety were a physical (living) thing, that particular word would be like little imps slingshotting rocks at its face. Maybe only few of them at first, until realizing that those imps are forcing said physical anxiety (I’m picturing it as a giant) to go a direction it doesn’t want to. I’m thinking as I write this that it should be the other way around – the anxiety should be a little imp. I suppose if it were as simple as being able to kick a tiny thing that’s pestering you, I likely wouldn’t have to deal with it at all. Such is life.

Wow, digress much, C?

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure I let everyone know why I’ve been sort of absent. I haven’t been out in my shed much, some days not even once. On the days I have been out here, it’s only been for a few hours at most. That’s unfortunately not long enough for me to get (or keep) caught up with things. (This has also unfortunately caused me to get behind on the Positivity Journal. >.<) I have quite a few messages/emails to respond to and I haven’t been able to figure out how to get out here for long enough to do all that. But it’s sort of like with the blog comments – I’d rather take a bit longer to respond and actually respond than just send a shortened thing back that seems to ignore absolutely everything someone said. I’m getting ready to go back inside in a bit, so to the few of you who’ve sent me long emails/messages, expect to be getting a ‘I’ll get to this ASAP’ message here shortly.

It’s going to take me a while to figure out how to make this work. Hopefully little can be put between ‘a’ and ‘while’ in the last sentence, but knowing me? Well . . . there’s no telling.

I’d imagine that whenever focus shifts again, that will force me back out here despite whatever is going on. And if you’re wondering what I’m talking about with ‘shifting focus’ then I’ll say that I’m hoping to start getting book 1 of the trilogy ready for release relatively soon. I have a date in mind (I always do), but whether or not I hit that one is going to depend on how soon I get it back. (Then how soon I get it back from the next person, and so on.) (Also, I’m not putting the date out there yet because I’m not sure whether I can manage to hit it.) But yeah, once I can start putting certain things with that in motion, that’ll pull me back out here for sure. Not saying that being out here while working on that would help with response times because . . . yeah, no. I am saying that being out here working on that might force me into a new routine which would (eventually) help.

I’ll just have to see how everything goes. Please be patient with me while I’m figuring this out. (Also, I’ll probably be on Twitter more so than anywhere else, strictly because it takes me less time.)

I hope everyone is having a super great weekend. I’ll be spending time with Husband, probably trying to get caught up on some TV shows. 🙂

(If any of this makes no sense that’s likely because I’m not entirely coherent yet. >.>)

Positivity Journal

I usually apologize when I haven’t been on here (or anywhere) for a while. I’m not going to do that this time. I’ll explain, and explaining will (eventually) get me to the title of this post. This is going to be a long one. Proceed if you dare . . .

I posted something about a month ago that I really didn’t want to, talking about how I (mentally) was not doing so great. Then I posted about two weeks later that I was feeling better (in comparison). The in comparison was key there. The fact of the matter is that the not-so-greatness has been going on for well over a month and a half now. I’d usually rather not say anything like that, and I believe I’ve only done so on here a small handful of times. No matter what sort of stuff [going on in my life] I talk about on here, this is ‘work-related’ to me. This blog has my ‘author name’ on it, my ‘author photo,’ etc. This isn’t a space where I toss my deepest feelings out into the abyss of the interwebz. I don’t toss my deepest feelings out anywhere, really, apart from in one-on-one conversations. That’s just me. So apart from saying, “I’m in a weird/bad/whatever headspace,” there’s usually not anything like that. That might change one day, but I’m not holding my breath for it.

The only reason I ever post things along the lines of what I did a month or so ago is when whatever headspace I’m in starts impacting my work rather than my life outside of work. It definitely has this time.

Typically, when I get in ‘a mood,’ I’m so preoccupied with work that I don’t even have the time to think about it. I have such a one-track mind and get so focused on what I’m doing that whatever else is going on in my life sort of slips somewhere behind a closed door in the back of my head. Sometimes (like when I’m writing), I’ll get so caught up in what I’m doing that the door doesn’t even have the chance to get opened again. Then, by the time I might’ve gotten around to it, whatever was causing the unpleasantness has usually lessened for some reason or another. (Issues getting resolved or me just calming down about whatever it was.)

This has probably been the worst mindset I’ve been in for . . . a very long time. I tried just about everything to drag myself out of it. I wrote. (I FINISHED ANOTHER BOOK.) I did (a few) non-writing work-related things. I got out of the shed. (A lot of that was due to a messed up sleep schedule/sleep related issues and it being too hot for me out here.) I played video games. I watched some TV. Did (a few) things outside (and got a good reminder of why I enjoy being indoors). I EVEN GOT OUT OF THE STATE.

I really tried just about everything, and no matter how okay (and even sometimes great) I would be doing at any point, I kept mentally backsliding. Now, we all know (and I have no problem with admitting) that I am a very negative person. (Not outwardly, but inside my head.) I used to consider myself realistic, and I don’t think it really hit me just how much I was kidding myself with that until pretty recently. I do believe that I look at the glass as neither half-full nor half-empty, only that there’s a glass filled to the midway point, but I’m always worst-case scenario. I’m always planning things out and trying to mentally prepare myself for whatever horrible thing that’s next on the path. That’s just me. And really, in a way, I’m totally fine with that. I wouldn’t be me if my dad couldn’t make jokes about the sky falling and me responding with something like, “If [whatever] happened . . . it could.”

I don’t have a problem with that sort of thing, but I WILL admit that I’m getting worse about it, and I don’t like that. I feel like in a lot of ways, my anxiety has even gotten worse. And I’ve been trying to push myself out of my ‘safe bubble comfort zone’ for a while now.

And it’s so freaking weird, because at some point along the way, I’d slowed down all the negativity in my head that I was really worried about – the negativity that pertained to my work. The, ‘What makes you think you could ever do this?’ sort of questions. The, ‘You know you’re not good enough for this,’ remarks. The responses to those had turned into, “Because I can,” and either, “Yes I am,” or, “I’m doing it anyway.”

So what’s been with the mood? I’m still not really sure, but I’ll be honest and admit that I’ve kind of been a wreck lately. I’m sure pretty much everybody knows there are some times that are harder than others to put a (figurative or literal) smile on your face just because you have to. It’s been hard for me lately, when trying to take care of all the stuff that needs doing. So I didn’t do much of it.

I cry a lot over weird things. Movies, TV shows, sometimes music. Sometimes commercials. When I say cry, I mean tear up. I don’t actually cry often. (You may think it’s not weird to cry at the things I mentioned, but it’s what sets it off that makes the crying so weird. If I watch LOTR:ROTK by myself, I’ll sob when they’re all riding into battle. It’s just so epic. Even after watching it more times than I even know, I still fight against sobs.) I cry REAL GOOD (getting all Southern there) when I’m writing/editing sometimes. The point of saying that or even bringing it up at all is . . . I don’t cry about my real life often. Once in a blue moon, usually when I’m extremely frustrated over something that makes complete sense to be up-in-the-air about. So when it gets to the point where nothing in particular has happened, and I’m just feeling nothing short of completely broken down . . . that obviously means I let myself get past an okay point to be.

I don’t really have a solution for it. (Though starting to re-watch Merlin drastically improved my mood.) I can’t magically make this workload go down. Even working on it doesn’t really put a dent in it. This isn’t a story in a book I’m writing, where I can depend on fake people to fix something. This is my real life. I’m just a feeble, little human. And no matter how I feel about my books, or my work in general, sometimes I need a good reminding that I’m more important than they are. (Because I can’t get them out of my head if I’m not in a place where I can.) It’s easy to forget sometimes, and it’s just as easy to beat myself up over needing to get whatever done and not doing it when I think I should.

So while it almost feels like it killed a part of my soul (I say that about a lot of things but rarely mean it like I do here) to not work as much, or as well, or as efficiently as what I ‘should’ have . . . I needed the break. That’s why I really can’t apologize for missing the posts I’d JUST set a schedule for, because I needed to take care of myself. And you know what? It’s been really freaking nice to spend some substantial time with my husband.

I’ve realized that I can’t stick to any sort of actual schedule right now. I just can’t manage it, and that’s okay. (Did more of that writing up posts on here and not posting them stuff.) Trying to do that didn’t actually help like I thought it would. It just made things worse for me. So I’m just going to post about whatever, whenever (like I’ve done pretty much forever on here). The sky isn’t going to fall down. People might have issues with how long it’s taken me to comment back, but I WILL comment back. And I’d rather say what I want to say when I can say it than say what I can say in a small space of time. (That makes sense in my head. I know I could’ve worded it better.)

Anyway, the whole point of all this is the title. I read an article today, and it was almost like something clicked in my head. I really feel like I’ve been in this cesspool of negativity for FAR too long. (I don’t like not being able to work.) I thought of an idea earlier.

I’m going to start a positivity journal. Not like a real journal, with feelings and all. More like a list.

I wrote however many words today. I actually went to the gym. I got whatever done. This happened. So and so said this to me. I laughed about some event.

And not all positives either. I’m going to put the negatives in there too. (Herald’s E-key broke. Husband fixed it.) Because when you break down your days, you might have one massive negative, but you’re going to have a crapton of small positives thrown in there. For someone who naturally focuses on negatives . . .

I just don’t want to do that anymore. I feel like writing it all down might put things in a different perspective for me. I’m hoping so.

I’m just a feeble, little human, and my feelings are relevant. Being down, or overwhelmed, or sad, or angry . . . that’s relevant. But those are the things I naturally cling to. Those are the things I typically remember when all of this other stuff slips out of my head. (My memory is so bad.) And I would really like to remember everything else.

Husband and I had a talk about [something awesome] today. It really meant a lot to me.

I accomplished this today.

So I’ll be able to look back at some point, and I’ll remember the moment of writing it down if I write it down, meaning I’ll actually remember the event. (I remember almost everything that I actually write down.) One thousand words written might not seem like much, but they add up. Add about 90,000 more and you’ve got a book. All the days broken down.

I don’t expect doing this to change me. I’m the most self-deprecating person ever. (If you want to challenge me on that, we’ll lose together.) I’ve mastered getting in my own way, and I’ve lived most of my life like that. (What a skill to master!) So I might have a day where the sky is falling down inside my head because my anxiety is intent on pulling the damn thing down, but that doesn’t change what’s going on around me.

My feelings, no matter how relevant, do not undermine my accomplishments, my dreams, or the good things that happen to me.

I’m not aiming to fill my life with only positives. I’m too realistic (there’s that word again) for that. I’m aiming to acknowledge and accept the positives that already exist. That’s all, and I think this is a good start.

I know there are a lot of people like me out there, and really . . . I just wish so badly that we could all let ourselves focus on the good. Good things happen. It’s easy to forget sometimes, overlook. I just don’t want to do that anymore. Whatever struggles anyone else is going through . . . I hope you find a way to overcome them. I really do. I’m working on my way.

No matter what I’m working on, I just have to remember that my most important WIP . . . is me.

 

Bad Headspace . . .

Being away for four or five days doesn’t seem very long at all. As I mentioned in the last post, sometimes I disappear for a month or so from everywhere just to write. That’s usually the only thing that stops me from being ANYWHERE for any (decently) substantial length of time. So I guess this newest (small) break (of sorts) was a pretty new sort of experience for me.

I’ve taken actual breaks before, where I don’t ‘work’ at all. Usually when a new video game comes out. I’ll spend a week or so playing it (bonus points for couch co-op because that means I get to spend time with Husband too). I’ll take a bit of time here and there when I’m waiting for other things to happen because . . . hey, might as well.

I know I’ve mentioned before that when I’m not working, I want to be working. (And will be ‘plotting’ (as much as I ever really can/do) books out while I’m doing other things.) The last few days haven’t been an exception in that regard, but there was one definite difference.

Usually, when I’m inside, I’m wanting to be in my shed. Even if I’m not writing at that point, or editing, I want to be out here because this is my space. This is where I check the rest of the world at the door and get to think about nothing but work. (Is it work if you love it?) The last few days have been an exception because I honestly just did not want to be out here.

I worded that wrong. I wanted to be out here. I just couldn’t.

It’s sort of weird (maybe) how it happened, but I’ve been in one of the worst headspaces I’ve occupied in a pretty long while. (It was a piling.)

It started with me getting utterly overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to do. I get frustrated at how long it takes me to do . . . pretty much everything. So I think I was just over-thinking a lot of these things. Asking, “How am I supposed to get all this done and have time to EVER write again?” rather than saying, “I just need to (mentally) shut up and do it.”

That alone would’ve been fine enough. I’m pretty used to having quite a bit on my plate. (Or am used to juggling multiple plates at once. Or, er, used to having multiple plates that I will ‘juggle’ one at a time of.)

I watched a TV show the other day, at the ‘start’ of this bad headspace. It’s probably wrong of me to do, but I’ve been blaming a not-so-good mood going from that to undeniably horrible on that show.

I started watching Cold Justice last season. I’m kind of weird with shows like that. Love detective shows, but some . . . no. (The way I explain it is: I have no issues seeing a [prop] head in a box, but I have issues if the show shows how said [prop] head ended up being in said box. Meaning, I don’t like/can’t watch CSI.) I watched a few episodes of Criminal Minds while my husband was deployed. Then I had to stop because, no matter how interesting the show was to me, it just got to be too much. (I’m weird about blood in shows/movies. I don’t mind seeing it there as long as I don’t have to see how it got there.)

Anyway, I love detective shows. I love trying to figure out who the bad guys are (usually do) and why they did what they did (usually do). But there are certain sorts of things that really . . . bother me. When I start thinking about real people doing the sorts of things I’m watching, whether or not it’s plausible, etc. . . . yeah, that really gets to me.

So yeah, Cold Justice. Even though that is them going around working on REAL cold cases . . . I’ve been pretty alright with it. Sure, there have been the moments of, “Oh my god,” or, “blah blah, that bastard, blah blah.” I don’t have the ‘disconnect’ that I have in shows like Sherlock, or Elementary, or The Mentalist (which used to be one of my favorites) because there’s no ‘this isn’t real’ barrier. I get angry a lot of the time, watching it.

Anyway, a few episodes ago, it was a check-up one. And they had John Walsh on there hosting.

So I got this bright idea to watch The Hunt with John Walsh.

Big mistake, C. BIG MISTAKE.

There I was, already at the beginning of a horrendous mood, and I watch an episode of that show. I almost cried. The entire show, I was almost in tears at just how . . . messed up (not wording that how I want) it all was. Then I was torn about how good it is to have stuff like that out there, when the ‘person’ is still on the loose. (I really hope someone catches that . . . . man. (Not wording that how I want to either.) I don’t care that he’s as old as the hills now. Don’t freaking care.)

I was genuinely upset. Then something frustrating happened while I was still trying to deal with all the not-good-feels from that. I went to sleep, woke up, got frustrated by something else, and the story moves on.

My point is that every time I thought I might be getting out of that headspace, something else would happen to pull me right back into it. (Many, many things over the few days.) I had all this stuff I needed (still need) to do, and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel like I could deal with any of it, and I said something I have never once (to my knowledge) said before this point.

“I can’t even be out here right now.” (My shed.)

So I played Skyrim. That was what I did. No matter how frustrating that game is or can be, I really felt like I just couldn’t. I don’t ever really get to the ‘I can’t work at all’ point because I’m always wanting to write. Getting other things done means I can get back to it, so I’m always wanting to do something.

I’ve woken up every day of the last few thinking, ‘Maybe today will be the day [where I’ll be able to get back to it].’ And it just kept not-happening. Got upset yesterday when I went inside because feeling like I couldn’t be out here is just . . . not right.

The shed is, like I said, my place to check the world at the door. I didn’t like feeling it had turned into something else. (The place where I got completely overwhelmed by absolutely everything and could do absolutely everything apart from what I want to do [write].)

It took me a really long time with this to realize that taking breaks for myself is alright. When my anxiety sets off for whatever reasons it does . . . it’s okay to take some time and recenter myself. (I’m talking about when my anxiety gets me to the ‘I can’t function right now’ point, which it occasionally does.) I guess that even though I know as much, it’s still difficult for me to put all the stuff I need to do out of my head. But I really think that not letting myself get to where I have been this week is important. I don’t want to get to ‘shut down mode’ ever again. I honestly felt like I’d just . . . crashed. (When you open your laptop, ready to work, and it shuts itself down with updates only to take FIVE YEARS to reboot. That’s something to compare it to, only it was a crash rather than a reboot.)

So I’m popping in to say that I’m not completely done with this pseudo-break. I think I’m going to take the rest of this week (which is almost over) and next week as well. I’m going to write, and I’m going to try to make a REALISTIC schedule for myself. (For writing/blogging/etc./etc./etc./etc./etc./etc.) I also need to figure out how to rearrange these questions for the video Q&A in order to split it into separate ones. I’d already had them arranged a certain way. Anyway, that’s on the to-do list as well – trying to tackle all that.

I think that just setting up something I know I can tackle will be best for me. That way I’m not stressing out about absences (because everyone will expect them) and whatnot. I’ll still be able to write. Theoretically.

I WILL be posting something tomorrow, so check back for that (if you want to).

And I’m not saying that I won’t be stopping in anywhere this week, only that I might not. I will be trying to get caught up with responding to emails/messages/comments/etc.

Hopefully this schedule thing will work out.

Sorry this was so long.

 

The battle continues . . .