Bad Headspace . . .

Being away for four or five days doesn’t seem very long at all. As I mentioned in the last post, sometimes I disappear for a month or so from everywhere just to write. That’s usually the only thing that stops me from being ANYWHERE for any (decently) substantial length of time. So I guess this newest (small) break (of sorts) was a pretty new sort of experience for me.

I’ve taken actual breaks before, where I don’t ‘work’ at all. Usually when a new video game comes out. I’ll spend a week or so playing it (bonus points for couch co-op because that means I get to spend time with Husband too). I’ll take a bit of time here and there when I’m waiting for other things to happen because . . . hey, might as well.

I know I’ve mentioned before that when I’m not working, I want to be working. (And will be ‘plotting’ (as much as I ever really can/do) books out while I’m doing other things.) The last few days haven’t been an exception in that regard, but there was one definite difference.

Usually, when I’m inside, I’m wanting to be in my shed. Even if I’m not writing at that point, or editing, I want to be out here because this is my space. This is where I check the rest of the world at the door and get to think about nothing but work. (Is it work if you love it?) The last few days have been an exception because I honestly just did not want to be out here.

I worded that wrong. I wanted to be out here. I just couldn’t.

It’s sort of weird (maybe) how it happened, but I’ve been in one of the worst headspaces I’ve occupied in a pretty long while. (It was a piling.)

It started with me getting utterly overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to do. I get frustrated at how long it takes me to do . . . pretty much everything. So I think I was just over-thinking a lot of these things. Asking, “How am I supposed to get all this done and have time to EVER write again?” rather than saying, “I just need to (mentally) shut up and do it.”

That alone would’ve been fine enough. I’m pretty used to having quite a bit on my plate. (Or am used to juggling multiple plates at once. Or, er, used to having multiple plates that I will ‘juggle’ one at a time of.)

I watched a TV show the other day, at the ‘start’ of this bad headspace. It’s probably wrong of me to do, but I’ve been blaming a not-so-good mood going from that to undeniably horrible on that show.

I started watching Cold Justice last season. I’m kind of weird with shows like that. Love detective shows, but some . . . no. (The way I explain it is: I have no issues seeing a [prop] head in a box, but I have issues if the show shows how said [prop] head ended up being in said box. Meaning, I don’t like/can’t watch CSI.) I watched a few episodes of Criminal Minds while my husband was deployed. Then I had to stop because, no matter how interesting the show was to me, it just got to be too much. (I’m weird about blood in shows/movies. I don’t mind seeing it there as long as I don’t have to see how it got there.)

Anyway, I love detective shows. I love trying to figure out who the bad guys are (usually do) and why they did what they did (usually do). But there are certain sorts of things that really . . . bother me. When I start thinking about real people doing the sorts of things I’m watching, whether or not it’s plausible, etc. . . . yeah, that really gets to me.

So yeah, Cold Justice. Even though that is them going around working on REAL cold cases . . . I’ve been pretty alright with it. Sure, there have been the moments of, “Oh my god,” or, “blah blah, that bastard, blah blah.” I don’t have the ‘disconnect’ that I have in shows like Sherlock, or Elementary, or The Mentalist (which used to be one of my favorites) because there’s no ‘this isn’t real’ barrier. I get angry a lot of the time, watching it.

Anyway, a few episodes ago, it was a check-up one. And they had John Walsh on there hosting.

So I got this bright idea to watch The Hunt with John Walsh.

Big mistake, C. BIG MISTAKE.

There I was, already at the beginning of a horrendous mood, and I watch an episode of that show. I almost cried. The entire show, I was almost in tears at just how . . . messed up (not wording that how I want) it all was. Then I was torn about how good it is to have stuff like that out there, when the ‘person’ is still on the loose. (I really hope someone catches that . . . . man. (Not wording that how I want to either.) I don’t care that he’s as old as the hills now. Don’t freaking care.)

I was genuinely upset. Then something frustrating happened while I was still trying to deal with all the not-good-feels from that. I went to sleep, woke up, got frustrated by something else, and the story moves on.

My point is that every time I thought I might be getting out of that headspace, something else would happen to pull me right back into it. (Many, many things over the few days.) I had all this stuff I needed (still need) to do, and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel like I could deal with any of it, and I said something I have never once (to my knowledge) said before this point.

“I can’t even be out here right now.” (My shed.)

So I played Skyrim. That was what I did. No matter how frustrating that game is or can be, I really felt like I just couldn’t. I don’t ever really get to the ‘I can’t work at all’ point because I’m always wanting to write. Getting other things done means I can get back to it, so I’m always wanting to do something.

I’ve woken up every day of the last few thinking, ‘Maybe today will be the day [where I’ll be able to get back to it].’ And it just kept not-happening. Got upset yesterday when I went inside because feeling like I couldn’t be out here is just . . . not right.

The shed is, like I said, my place to check the world at the door. I didn’t like feeling it had turned into something else. (The place where I got completely overwhelmed by absolutely everything and could do absolutely everything apart from what I want to do [write].)

It took me a really long time with this to realize that taking breaks for myself is alright. When my anxiety sets off for whatever reasons it does . . . it’s okay to take some time and recenter myself. (I’m talking about when my anxiety gets me to the ‘I can’t function right now’ point, which it occasionally does.) I guess that even though I know as much, it’s still difficult for me to put all the stuff I need to do out of my head. But I really think that not letting myself get to where I have been this week is important. I don’t want to get to ‘shut down mode’ ever again. I honestly felt like I’d just . . . crashed. (When you open your laptop, ready to work, and it shuts itself down with updates only to take FIVE YEARS to reboot. That’s something to compare it to, only it was a crash rather than a reboot.)

So I’m popping in to say that I’m not completely done with this pseudo-break. I think I’m going to take the rest of this week (which is almost over) and next week as well. I’m going to write, and I’m going to try to make a REALISTIC schedule for myself. (For writing/blogging/etc./etc./etc./etc./etc./etc.) I also need to figure out how to rearrange these questions for the video Q&A in order to split it into separate ones. I’d already had them arranged a certain way. Anyway, that’s on the to-do list as well – trying to tackle all that.

I think that just setting up something I know I can tackle will be best for me. That way I’m not stressing out about absences (because everyone will expect them) and whatnot. I’ll still be able to write. Theoretically.

I WILL be posting something tomorrow, so check back for that (if you want to).

And I’m not saying that I won’t be stopping in anywhere this week, only that I might not. I will be trying to get caught up with responding to emails/messages/comments/etc.

Hopefully this schedule thing will work out.

Sorry this was so long.

 

The battle continues . . .

Advertisements

SO MUCH TO DO

I have a lot to do.

I’m trying to get them all separated into things I want to do and things I need to do. I don’t typically do posts where I lay out what I need to get accomplished, but I have to figure this out anyway and might as well make a post out of it. These are not writing/editing related. I have a list of those on my What’s in the works? page, and I update it occasionally. If you’re interested in what’s going on with me in that regard, you’re more than welcome to check that page out whenever and see if I’ve updated it. (I’ve been updating it every two weeks or so, roundabout. It’s more so for when I actually accomplish the goals on there.)

These are in no (real) particular order and have no set time limit (as I have no idea which order I want to tackle them in):

1) I need to get a mailing list sorted out. I’ve been wanting to do that for a while now, but I really need to get that done. It would strictly be to keep people informed about when I have a release. I might do a quarterly ‘newsletter’ as well, but wouldn’t post anything from that onto here or the same in reverse.

2) I need to get the questions I’ve received for the video Q&A into a cohesive list. (One that might travel in a relatively straight line to prevent me from getting too far sidetracked and end up rambling forever.) There are still a few more days before I’ll attempt to tackle that, if anyone else wants to contribute questions. Really, I welcome anything for it. You can check out the post if you haven’t already. (Also want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone that’s shown interest in it, and asked me questions. I really appreciate it.)

3) Decide whether I need to actually make all these spreadsheets I feel like I need to make, or if I can put that off for a little while longer.

4) Catch up with responding to things.

5) Get my sleep schedule sorted out because I really do not like being awake during the day.

6) Figure out how to get this muscle in my cheek to stop twitching. It’s extremely distracting. (I’m guessing it’s stress-related.)

7) Get a little more organized on Twitter.

8) Figure out a way to get organized in general that won’t take months upon months of cutting into my work time.

9) Reach out to more reviewers for Reave. (If you’re interested in that, let me know!)

10) Write up some rather important emails without causing more facial twitching for myself.

11) Get book 1 of the trilogy to the first beta-reader.

12) Figure out if I want to release that one next or between books 3 and 4 of the Reave Series. (Probably and preferably between 3&4, but that depends on several factors.)

13) Figure out what the hell I’m doing.

14) I really dislike odd numbers.

 

Okay, one more thing.

I haven’t ‘liked’ near enough pages with my personal Facebook account. I have a lot of blogging buddies on here and I would like to ‘like’ your pages. It’s MUCH easier for me to keep up with what’s going on with people by looking on there rather than on here (at least for now).

If I haven’t liked your page, please feel free to leave a link down in the comments and I’ll go do that.

Hope everyone is doing well!