I think I hate you, Mercury.

I feel like I owe everyone an apology, partially for a sort of absence on here and mostly due to how long it’s been taking me to get back with . . . everyone. I wonder if there will ever be a point in time where it doesn’t take me such ridiculously long stretches to get back with people consistently.

Yeah, probably not.

I guess I just need to accept that. I mentioned in the last post that my husband always tells me, “You’re only one person.” Obviously I hear that when I get stressed about one thing or another with work, at least when I’m stressing to the point where I tell him about it. Honestly? I hear that at least once a week. Seems like every time I do one thing, there’s this little voice telling me I should be doing something else. (Sometimes it’s not little in the slightest.) ‘It’s taken you over three hours to write this email. Don’t you know you have book stuff to be doing?’ (It happens.) ‘You’re writing right now? Don’t you know you have a pile of things you need to respond to? These people are going to think you’re a major a-hole.’

Lately it’s been, ‘You’re not doing anything productive? Don’t you know you have this massive pile of things that need doing? I mean, really. Aren’t you aware?’

I’ve been in a slump for about three weeks now, the sort of slump that I absolutely hate. I can usually get stuff done in some regard no matter how I’m feeling. The last few weeks? Nope.

I blamed it on the bad feels from the piracy garbage for about two and a half of those weeks. I’d tried to write afterward (because that almost always makes me feel better), and it just wasn’t working. It felt like I’d been sapped of about 94% of my energy stores. I also blamed it on the new scheduling and being awake (mostly) during the day. (My brain doesn’t function as well when it’s light outside. No joke.) I blamed it on the stress of upcoming releases and scrambling trying to get stuff done. But whatever I was feeling went beyond all that. Usually, no matter what is going on, I can and will find something to do. I just haven’t wanted to. (Not that I haven’t done anything at all, but nowhere near as much as I should have.)

So I was at the beginning of writing up this post, sitting here thinking about how there had to be some sort of reasoning for the sapping-feeling. (At least when it has lasted this long.) I thought about SAD yesterday, but fall isn’t depressing for me. Fall and winter have been great for me (writing-wise) in the past. I’m excited about fall and winter. (Besides, I’ve seen more sun in the last month than I did in all of spring and summer combined, I think.) I’ve worried more than once that I was having another repeat of whatever in the world was going on with me back in the summer, where I spent waaaaay too long so far down in something negative that I was concerned I’d somehow had some major personality shift or something. But this has been more a lack of energy/drive than legitimate down feelings.

For amusement, I looked up if Mercury was in retrograde again. You know what? IT IS. And WHEN did it start?

Three weeks ago.

Initially, I laughed the ‘Mercury in retrograde’ stuff off. I posted about it, mostly to be funny (and because I thought it was strange). I’m starting to wonder if it actually does make a difference, at least with me. I just think it’s weird that this feeling started at the beginning of it and has lasted the whole way through it, YET AGAIN.

The good news?

It supposedly ends tomorrow. I would say that if I miraculously feel closer to 100% tomorrow, then I’d be set on it. But if that happens, I’ll probably go with it being a mental thing. I’d imagine I’m going to spend the rest of the day thinking that things are going to get better tomorrow, which will (possibly) in turn make things better tomorrow. (At least where my headspace is concerned.)

To be honest though, just potentially seeing a light at the end of this tunnel does make me feel better. I miss being at 100% and having the feeling that I actually accomplished stuff.

Like I said, I haven’t been completely idle. Things are still moving along with the cover for the first in the trilogy. The front cover is almost complete (just needs the font). The back (cover) is on hold at the moment because I haven’t finished writing the blurb for it. I’m really so horrible at blurbs. I have been super excited about that. (The cover, not the blurb-writing.) And things are still looking good for me to hit the projected release date for it in December. So all that is really great. Obviously I’m still worried that something is going to happen to prevent that. I’m always ‘looking up and waiting for the sky to fall’ . . .

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, I hope everyone has been doing fantastically, and I really hope that whatever is going on with me hasn’t been messing with any of you. I’m really starting to think that Mercury is a major a-hole.

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The first of the Monday Update posts . . .

Today is my first Monday Update post, and after writing two full entries that are going to rot in Draft Land . . . I THINK I’m starting to figure out why blogging occasionally frustrates me (very badly). (Not to mention I have a streak [not steak] on my glasses that I didn’t get cleaned off, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Maybe my problem with this particular post is that I have about five million (clear exaggeration) things I could/might possibly want to say. Maybe it’s my mood. Maybe my biggest problem with it is that, in some way, all I want to write for this entry is:

I JUST WANT TO WRITE A BOOK.

I’ll keep this short (for me), just to spare you until I get all these possible topics for Monday separated into smaller subjects that could potentially be written about at a later date.

What I’ve been doing lately is editing book 3 in the Reave series. One of my largest issues is not ‘fleshing things out’ so this second run-through since December is to do just that. (The first was more to fix technical errors.)

I added A LOT to book 2 (I’m not saying how much), and I need to make sure this one is on par with what I put in the last. The problem is book 3 is/will be the most difficult to do that with (for reasons I’m not going to say because releasing it is just too far off and I don’t want to spoil anything).

I’m also not going to say how many hours of work it’s taken me just to get to chapter eight, but . . . it’s a lot.

That’s what I’ll be doing work-wise for . . . a very long time (for me), if the hour-count per chapter holds.

Along with all that, I’ve been trying to catch up on here. I’ve neglected Twitter and Facebook (surprise, surprise). I’ve been struggling with pushing through my anxiety in order to do what I need to do for Reave (working on it). And I’ve also been struggling with the INTENSE desire to just fall off the face of the planet for a little while, workworkworkwork, then come back at some point.

It’s extremely difficult not to, and I just have to remind myself that I wouldn’t be doing Reave any favors in doing that. Then again, I’m not really doing it any favors currently anyway, given that I can’t even figure out 140 characters to promote it. That might be adding to the temptation to disappear. It’s just overwhelming and I feel I’m not doing any good anyway.

I probably shouldn’t even be blogging when I’m in a mood like this, but it’s showing no signs of stopping anytime soon and . . . well . . . at least it’s real. That has to count for something, right?

So that’s my life as of now, as far as updateable things go.

Hope everyone is doing well out there (and kicking any struggles one may find themselves going through in their frustrating [non] faces).

Also, Reave is now available on SmashWords. You can find it here: Look, I’m a link to Reave on SmashWords.

It’s time to play my favorite game.

It’s called ‘the catch up game,’ and if you can’t tell that I’m being sarcastic (SOMEONE INVENT SARCASTIC FONT FOR ME, PLEASE), then I should go ahead and say, “I’m being sarcastic.”

That being said, I should also point out that it means I’ve finished this run-through of book 2 in the Reave series, which means B2 is out of my hands (meaning I can’t touch it again until my friend gets through revising it). This is good. B2 was my priority (obviously, as I’ve fallen off the face of the social-planet), and now I’ve reached the point I needed to reach with it. I don’t have to spend every waking moment working on 3 and 4, so I’ll have all that time to do the other things I need to do. It also means that I’ll get to at least pretend I have some sort of life, and that’s good.

I have to apologize for how far behind I’ve gotten on reading blogs and the like, but I will TRY to remedy that within the next few days. Don’t get mad if I don’t go a month back in archives to catch up, but I’ll do what I can. (And by that I mean, “I’ll do what I can without making my brain explode.”)

Charles Yallowitz, HOW DO YOU MANAGE THIS? I’ll admit I’ve been baffled over that many times.

I’ve been trying to come up with some sort of blogging schedule, but I should also say I’ve been trying to do that for a really long time now. I’m kind of at a loss as to how anyone can even stand reading my posts (they’re always talking about how much I suck at blogging, or at life in general), but hey.

I’m thinking what I might do is use Monday for an ‘update’ post (but I’m kind of at a loss as to what I could actually update) or something to do with ‘work’ or ‘writing’ or SOMETHING, use Wednesday as a ‘random’ post (along the lines of Friendship: The magic of THE CLICK or Hello World. I am a moron. Nice to meet you.), then Friday will get back to my Friday Music posts.

We’ll see how well that works out. I don’t have a clue about it as of now.

We’re going to count this as my Monday post, even though it’s Sunday (I might change my mind about that, but I might not). I need to spend a few days playing that game I was talking about and try not to get overwhelmed by it.

If anyone has some pointers for time-management, I’m all ears (eyes). O.o

(If any of those pointers involve making days 50 hours or inventing a way for people to function on absolutely no sleep . . . I’ve already thought those to death. But if you can figure out how to do either of those things . . . it would be helpful.)

Non-Music Friday/NEWS.

Instead of doing my typical Friday Music post, I’m going to say that MY NEXT ENTRY WILL BE MY COVER/BLURB REVEAL.

Hardly anyone knows what my book is about. After my next entry . . . you all will. 🙂

I’d like to say that I’ll be on here more frequently after it, but I likely won’t be for a little while. I’m currently in the midst of an epic battle with my book. It’s putting up a good fight against my brain, but I will prevail. Once I come out victorious, I will get back to all the other things in life.

Be patient with me during the latter point of this entry, and be on the lookout for the former.

🙂

Self-publishing.

Yeah. I’m doing it.

I know, I know. I said I was going to attempt querying and do the whole shebang (get an agent and we all lived happily ever after with a picket fence and 2.4 dogs, er, kids).

Anyone who’s been following my blog for a little while knows I flopped back and forth about it (don’t we all?). I spent so much time weighing the pros and cons of each – carefully and meticulously – until all cons blurred with pros and pros were cons and cons were . . . um . . . what’s going on? That was basically how it went in my head for a very long time, so I told my husband to make a decision on it. I was content with that for about a day or two, and then the mental-flopping began again. I didn’t want to blog about it because I wanted to get it sorted in my head.

I realized, after speaking with so many people, that this was a decision only I could make.

I started looking into cover artists just for curiosities sake and found one that I LOVED.

For about four days, I did nothing but flop around mentally afterward. I mulled over the word author. I’ve said it before that I will NOT call myself one unless the word aspiring is in front of it. Not yet.

One night, I looked up the definition of it. I kind of had a moment. There was no ‘traditionally published’ in the definition, of course. For one of those days, I contemplated over the word – what it meant, what it meant to other people, and what it meant to me.

Rather than focus on pros and cons, I started focusing on why. Why did I want to be published traditionally? What was drawing me to self-publishing despite the stars and rainbows and glitter of the P and the T together?

When thinking about the why . . . it fell into place.

I don’t need a publishing contract to accomplish what I’ve wanted to accomplish with this. All I want is for ONE person out there to love my books – to make an impact on a person the way that some books have impacted me. I don’t need a P and a T together for that. I don’t.

So I made the decision about a week and a half ago and I haven’t looked back since.

There hasn’t been one single flop from me, or even one second of doubting the choice I’ve made.

I don’t like posting things on here unless they’re set in stone. I’m feeling comfortable with sharing now.

I’ve been arranging things with that love-inducing cover artist and the photographer. I love them both. Seriously. Details are being figured out and things are being put in motion.

My editor had to extend the date of finishing my novel, so I won’t have it back until early to mid-October. I’m trying to get everything done that can be done until that point.

As of now, I’m shooting for early December. That’s going to depend on how everything works out, but now . . . I’ll be able to keep you all updated.

It’s so freaking weird having things moving. I spent such a long time feeling like my entire world was at a standstill.

Anyway. No more waiting. It’s time to start letting them go. I’m worried, of course, but . . . I’m feeling good. I’m excited. I never thought I’d be more excited than stressed/nervous, but . . . I am.

Wish me luck. I’m definitely going to need it.

O.O

Home Again

Well, my sister and I arrived back in good ole’ Kentucky last night. I have every intention of posting an entry about Florida later today, or possibly tomorrow depending on how long it takes me to get the pictures on my computer and sorted through. Yes, I will be posting pictures.  As of this moment, I don’t plan on putting a lot on it. Who knows? I have over 30 pictures that my sister attempted to take of dolphin fins while I was absent. I’ll see how many of them were successful once I get them on a bigger screen. I think she took more pictures in that few minute time span than I took the entire time I was down there. haha

Anywho, just wanted to touch base. Say, “Hey there all! I’m back!”

And also, “Expect an entry later.” Oops – that should have had (!!).

Here in a bit (like . . . a few minutes), I will be comment-responding. Then messing about with pictures once I’m finished. But all the while, I’ll be drinking the first cup of MY USUAL COFFEE that I’ve had in a week. It’s like being in heaven, let me tell you.

The Life-Clinger: An Apology

This is an addition to a previous entry (which you can find here).

Yes, I know I said that I was disappearing into writing oblivion and wouldn’t return for days, but this is the first time on here that I’ve HAD to get something out.

I’m hoping I feel better afterward.

If you read that entry about friendship, then you’ll know what I’m talking about when I say that I’m adding a new category to it.

You click, right?

You click, and you’re friends, and you keep clicking and everything is just ten million different shades of awesome.

And then this happens.

The Life-Clinger: The Life-Clinger is a person who gets too caught up in the clicking. So they cling to the other person until they’ve sucked every bit of life from the friendship. It’s not purposeful. Anyway, they cling to the life of it until they’ve drained it dry.

 

I am an extreme person. Like I said in my last entry – when I’m doing something, I’m DOING it. Normally I don’t put too much stock in other people. It only ever ends in either pain, or disappointment. You get the rare occurrence where it doesn’t. That’s great. It really is. It’s really great when people do good with each other – in relationships, families, friendships. It’s a pretty rare thing for me to latch onto people though. It’s extremely rare for me to let other people get under my skin – at least far enough where they could actually hurt me. But it happens. Even with the best of us.

Anyway.

This is my apology.

It’s possible you’re reading it, or that you will at some point. And if you are, you’ll know that I’m talking about you, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

I’m sorry.

 

. . . I don’t feel any better.