Bad Headspace . . .

Being away for four or five days doesn’t seem very long at all. As I mentioned in the last post, sometimes I disappear for a month or so from everywhere just to write. That’s usually the only thing that stops me from being ANYWHERE for any (decently) substantial length of time. So I guess this newest (small) break (of sorts) was a pretty new sort of experience for me.

I’ve taken actual breaks before, where I don’t ‘work’ at all. Usually when a new video game comes out. I’ll spend a week or so playing it (bonus points for couch co-op because that means I get to spend time with Husband too). I’ll take a bit of time here and there when I’m waiting for other things to happen because . . . hey, might as well.

I know I’ve mentioned before that when I’m not working, I want to be working. (And will be ‘plotting’ (as much as I ever really can/do) books out while I’m doing other things.) The last few days haven’t been an exception in that regard, but there was one definite difference.

Usually, when I’m inside, I’m wanting to be in my shed. Even if I’m not writing at that point, or editing, I want to be out here because this is my space. This is where I check the rest of the world at the door and get to think about nothing but work. (Is it work if you love it?) The last few days have been an exception because I honestly just did not want to be out here.

I worded that wrong. I wanted to be out here. I just couldn’t.

It’s sort of weird (maybe) how it happened, but I’ve been in one of the worst headspaces I’ve occupied in a pretty long while. (It was a piling.)

It started with me getting utterly overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to do. I get frustrated at how long it takes me to do . . . pretty much everything. So I think I was just over-thinking a lot of these things. Asking, “How am I supposed to get all this done and have time to EVER write again?” rather than saying, “I just need to (mentally) shut up and do it.”

That alone would’ve been fine enough. I’m pretty used to having quite a bit on my plate. (Or am used to juggling multiple plates at once. Or, er, used to having multiple plates that I will ‘juggle’ one at a time of.)

I watched a TV show the other day, at the ‘start’ of this bad headspace. It’s probably wrong of me to do, but I’ve been blaming a not-so-good mood going from that to undeniably horrible on that show.

I started watching Cold Justice last season. I’m kind of weird with shows like that. Love detective shows, but some . . . no. (The way I explain it is: I have no issues seeing a [prop] head in a box, but I have issues if the show shows how said [prop] head ended up being in said box. Meaning, I don’t like/can’t watch CSI.) I watched a few episodes of Criminal Minds while my husband was deployed. Then I had to stop because, no matter how interesting the show was to me, it just got to be too much. (I’m weird about blood in shows/movies. I don’t mind seeing it there as long as I don’t have to see how it got there.)

Anyway, I love detective shows. I love trying to figure out who the bad guys are (usually do) and why they did what they did (usually do). But there are certain sorts of things that really . . . bother me. When I start thinking about real people doing the sorts of things I’m watching, whether or not it’s plausible, etc. . . . yeah, that really gets to me.

So yeah, Cold Justice. Even though that is them going around working on REAL cold cases . . . I’ve been pretty alright with it. Sure, there have been the moments of, “Oh my god,” or, “blah blah, that bastard, blah blah.” I don’t have the ‘disconnect’ that I have in shows like Sherlock, or Elementary, or The Mentalist (which used to be one of my favorites) because there’s no ‘this isn’t real’ barrier. I get angry a lot of the time, watching it.

Anyway, a few episodes ago, it was a check-up one. And they had John Walsh on there hosting.

So I got this bright idea to watch The Hunt with John Walsh.

Big mistake, C. BIG MISTAKE.

There I was, already at the beginning of a horrendous mood, and I watch an episode of that show. I almost cried. The entire show, I was almost in tears at just how . . . messed up (not wording that how I want) it all was. Then I was torn about how good it is to have stuff like that out there, when the ‘person’ is still on the loose. (I really hope someone catches that . . . . man. (Not wording that how I want to either.) I don’t care that he’s as old as the hills now. Don’t freaking care.)

I was genuinely upset. Then something frustrating happened while I was still trying to deal with all the not-good-feels from that. I went to sleep, woke up, got frustrated by something else, and the story moves on.

My point is that every time I thought I might be getting out of that headspace, something else would happen to pull me right back into it. (Many, many things over the few days.) I had all this stuff I needed (still need) to do, and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel like I could deal with any of it, and I said something I have never once (to my knowledge) said before this point.

“I can’t even be out here right now.” (My shed.)

So I played Skyrim. That was what I did. No matter how frustrating that game is or can be, I really felt like I just couldn’t. I don’t ever really get to the ‘I can’t work at all’ point because I’m always wanting to write. Getting other things done means I can get back to it, so I’m always wanting to do something.

I’ve woken up every day of the last few thinking, ‘Maybe today will be the day [where I’ll be able to get back to it].’ And it just kept not-happening. Got upset yesterday when I went inside because feeling like I couldn’t be out here is just . . . not right.

The shed is, like I said, my place to check the world at the door. I didn’t like feeling it had turned into something else. (The place where I got completely overwhelmed by absolutely everything and could do absolutely everything apart from what I want to do [write].)

It took me a really long time with this to realize that taking breaks for myself is alright. When my anxiety sets off for whatever reasons it does . . . it’s okay to take some time and recenter myself. (I’m talking about when my anxiety gets me to the ‘I can’t function right now’ point, which it occasionally does.) I guess that even though I know as much, it’s still difficult for me to put all the stuff I need to do out of my head. But I really think that not letting myself get to where I have been this week is important. I don’t want to get to ‘shut down mode’ ever again. I honestly felt like I’d just . . . crashed. (When you open your laptop, ready to work, and it shuts itself down with updates only to take FIVE YEARS to reboot. That’s something to compare it to, only it was a crash rather than a reboot.)

So I’m popping in to say that I’m not completely done with this pseudo-break. I think I’m going to take the rest of this week (which is almost over) and next week as well. I’m going to write, and I’m going to try to make a REALISTIC schedule for myself. (For writing/blogging/etc./etc./etc./etc./etc./etc.) I also need to figure out how to rearrange these questions for the video Q&A in order to split it into separate ones. I’d already had them arranged a certain way. Anyway, that’s on the to-do list as well – trying to tackle all that.

I think that just setting up something I know I can tackle will be best for me. That way I’m not stressing out about absences (because everyone will expect them) and whatnot. I’ll still be able to write. Theoretically.

I WILL be posting something tomorrow, so check back for that (if you want to).

And I’m not saying that I won’t be stopping in anywhere this week, only that I might not. I will be trying to get caught up with responding to emails/messages/comments/etc.

Hopefully this schedule thing will work out.

Sorry this was so long.

 

The battle continues . . .

There’s no ‘almost’ anything with Almost Royal.

It’s pretty rare for me to post on here about things that aren’t book or work related, past that streak of Friday Music posts. (If I’m ever on here more often, I’ll get back to those.) I’ll make comments here and there amid work-related posts about going to see a movie or something. You RARELY get something the likes of Merlin on here.

You’re getting something like that today.

Husband and I were watching some unknown thing the other day, but I’ll say it was probably Wild Things with Dominic Monaghan (which I sort of fell in love with about a month or so ago, on accident). While we usually fast-forward through commercials, we accidentally caught one for this new show called Almost Royal.

If anyone has seen the preview for that show, you very well might understand why I had, “Me and Georgie are friends with benefits,” stuck in my head for DAYS. I’ll say this is the first time – to my recollection – that I’ve actually LOOKED UP when a show was going to start. (They usually slip by me because I’m too busy to remember what shows I even want to watch.)

Next week. I can live with that.

So there I was yesterday, wanting to watch that preview again because it’s just so . . . RIDICULOUS. My phone was being uncooperative (or I was being lazy, I can’t remember which), so Husband looked it up On Demand. And waddya know? There was a FULL EPISODE on there.

We turn it on. Within about . . . three minutes, I was in tears. I kept thinking, ‘I’m going to stop laughing here in a bit. Really. Something not-funny is going to happen, and I’ll stop laughing.’ I did not stop laughing. I had tears in my eyes the entire time. I am not kidding. Every time something a little less-funny happened, I was still laughing from the last funny thing until the next really-funny thing happened.

At the end of that show, my husband said, “I’ve never heard you laugh that much.”

I laugh pretty easily. I’m far too easily amused. I small-laugh A LOT, but I’m lucky to get a couple BIG LAUGHS in every day. For one, my BIG LAUGH is a horrible sound to hear, and I’d rather not torture anyone with it. For another, while I get amused by the smallest things (even the lamest of jokes will get to me), I rarely find things hilarious. Almost Royal is hilarious.

I’m honestly not too big a fan of the comedy genre, in movies or television. There are a few exceptions, obviously, but with most comedies, the filthy and legitimately-funny ratio isn’t balanced enough for me. (Don’t ask me how I write books, please. I often wonder why I get put-off by some things and not others, or different deliveries of the same things.) It was pretty recent that I started opening myself up a little more to them, rather than bundling them all together and just assuming I wouldn’t enjoy them. I watched Community. I really like Modern Family. I REALLY fell in love with Enlisted, which might only be funny if you’ve known people in the military. If you’ve seen Enlisted, look at Randy. He’s my favorite character. That’s my preferred type of humor (apart from the witty sort) – silly and more than a bit ridiculous. LIGHTHEARTED.

No matter how much I’ve opened myself up to the genre, how many ‘comedy shows’ I’ve watched . . . I have not laughed like I did yesterday. I haven’t laughed to the point of tears for an entire episode of anything ever.

You remember Jackass? I’m not talking about the newest Jackass, when it got too over-the-top (now I’m thinking about the movie Over the Top). I’m talking about OLD Jackass (now I’m hearing, “You old jackass,” in my head, which would probably only be funny if you could hear the accents I hear on a daily basis), where people just did ridiculous things and it was funny.

The first time I saw Jackass, I was in eighth grade, at my best friend’s house. It was on. I had no idea what it was. But I heard, “TODAY, WE SHALL JOUST!” and I was hooked. (At least until it got too over-the-top and overdone for me.) I laughed to the point of tears more times than I know due to that show (rhyming). [‘People riding shopping carts into bushes? This is amazing!’ I’m telling you, I’m too easily amused.]

In one episode, I would take Almost Royal over ANY of those funny shows. As much as I love Enlisted (I really do), I would take Almost Royal over it. One episode.

Who am I kidding? I was hooked with the preview.

That’s the awesome thing about it. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was REALLY looking forward to something like I was with this, then wasn’t disappointed with the final product. I always get disappointed when I hype things up in my head. I was not disappointed with this.

The point of this entry is: Watch the show. At least watch the preview that started it for me. (I’ll include it below.) You might not like it. If you do like it, I sincerely doubt you’ll think it’s as funny as I do. But still . . . just check it out. It seriously deserves to be checked out. I do not know how they can keep straight faces for that. I don’t know.

If I get just one more person to become a fan of this show, I’ll feel that I’ve done my part.

That’s all, apart from saying that I’ll be having the cover reveal for my next book this week (if everything goes according to plan). Stay tuned! 🙂

 

Friday Music: Daughter – Medicine

I’d been planning to do this song as the third Friday Music post for the past couple of weeks, and then I got torn over another song (that I heard for the first time about six years or so ago). There was a bit of confusion due to my technological ineptitude when it came to getting that particular song on here, so here we are. And it’s funny because, now that Friday has come around again, I really don’t think there’s any song more fitting currently than the one I’m sharing today. It’s just . . . appropriate, for right now.

The feel of the song is very . . . relevant, I suppose.

This song has been out for awhile, but I’ll admit that I only heard it for the first time several weeks ago when it was on So You Think You Can Dance. That’s my favorite reality television show, but due to cable box mishaps and frustrations, I missed a good chunk of this season (it’s one of few shows that I actually look forward to). I just so happened to be passing by on my way out to my shed to write one evening when it was on, and I caught the piece that now-eliminated-contestant Tucker danced with previous-contestant Robert, choreographed by Travis Wall (who is BRILLIANT, by the way). It was . . . beautiful. The story behind it was beautiful; the dancing was beautiful. It was just fantastic. But the thing that topped it off – as I’ve found goes with most routines on that show – was the music.

So, I listened to it several times on my phone while out in my shed that night, looked up the lyrics (to make sure I was hearing them correctly because I occasionally do NOT, even when they’re easy to understand), and did a lot of thinking over them. I feel this is a song that everyone can relate to, in some way or another, be it directly with themselves or something to do with someone close to them.

I think of it as straightforward with blurry lines. I love that.

Anyway, I’m going to also post a video of the dance that the two of them did below, in case anyone is interested in seeing it.

Happy Friday everyone, and have a lovely weekend.

Merlin

What began as something with the sole purpose of creating background noise in the silent space of my world transformed itself into something else entirely – a glorious, albeit too-short, love affair.

Merlin.

What did you think I was talking about?

Seriously though, that’s how my obsession (and I call it that word in the most endearing way that an obsession can be felt) with the show started. It was simply . . . on. It was on (reruns) at the same time I found myself waking up while living in Alabama several months ago. I noticed, gradually, that I began paying less and less attention to the games I was playing on my phone and more attention to the show itself. After a little while, I started ensuring I woke up in time to watch it. I was a little embarrassed the day I admitted, “I really like this show. I know it’s silly, but . . . I really like it.”

Soon the reruns began rerunning themselves on BBCA. By that point, I was hooked and desperate for more.

If you were following my blog while I was in Alabama, you’ll know that my internet was ATROCIOUS, if it could actually be CALLED internet. I reversed my schedule back to my preferred nocturnal, so that I could watch it on my roommate’s Netflix. (We had a data cap until 2AM, but after that . . . Fair game.) I watched all four seasons of it that could be watched, and then . . . nothing. The fifth season was still airing at that point, but I couldn’t just start watching it part of the way through. So I waited. Impatiently. Frustratedly. I waited.

The first several seasons are rife with silliness and something that can only be described as jackassery. It wasn’t until at some point in either the second or third season when I realized, “Holy crap (not that word). These people are exceptional actors.” The instant – and I mean THE INSTANT – I realized that . . . there was no turning back from the love I was starting to feel for it. It went so far past ‘being hooked’. Merlin had stolen a part of my heart. If you think I’m being dramatic . . . you have no idea.

Husband and I had intent to watch the fifth season sooner, but it just didn’t work itself out that way.

So, about a week ago, when I’d come in from writing for the morning, we started watching the last season.

It was epic. Seriously. I can get over the horribleness of the dragon and the other ‘not real’ things – they truly were horrible at worst, and meh at best. I don’t even care. And I USUALLY care. But I swear to god, there is just SOMETHING about that show. Colin Morgan (Merlin) and Bradley James (Arthur) together are pure magic. Yes, that was a little joke, but a serious one. I’m not kidding. If I could bottle the two of them up (I want to smack myself for that one, I’ll admit) and throw their chemistry into all of the movies and television shows where believable interactions are nonexistent, I would do it in a heartbeat. I can get over the sub par acting from some of the others for that alone. I don’t think I even realized how amazing Angel Coulby (Gwen) was until the fifth season. She was spectacular. And my god, how Katie McGrath (Morgana) will make you want to smack THAT FREAKING SMIRK off her face. I could list off all the others, but I will spare you all of what I think of each knight and whatnot. And who couldn’t love Gaius?

Now, to be fair, I am a ‘Read The Ending’ kind of person. After all the frustrations of, “HE IS USING MAGIC RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! HOW CAN ARTHUR NOT SEE THIS?!” I had Husband look up when Arthur found out about Merlin’s magic. I knew it wasn’t until close to the end. About . . . three days or so ago, I looked up what happens in the last episode.

I was heartbroken. I’m not kidding. But I was so glad that I looked so I could be preparing myself. I read all the complaints about it and already had the idea in my head that it was just going to be unarguably horrible.

The last episode came up, we watched it. I spent some teary-eyed time processing it. And then I decided . . .

That was PROBABLY one of the BEST series finales I have ever seen in my life. It really was. I do understand why it made so many people (including myself, in ways) so angry.

Still, I’m sad. I don’t want it to be over. I want them to do something else with it, as they CLEARLY left it open for possibilities. There needs to be more.

Husband made a comment yesterday about the funny interactions on a serious show and how well they did it. And they did. Like Doctor Who, I could laugh and cry in the same episode. Throw the occasional bit of fear in there (some things were PRETTY creepy and I’m jumpy by nature), and you’ve got something truly spectacular. Some people might want to smack the crap out of me for comparing the two shows and, if you’ve talked to me even a little, you’ll know that I LOVE Doctor Who.

I have no shame in admitting that I love the two shows equally. If you think it’s stupid, you can bite me. I don’t care.

So I will declare it to the entire world.

I LOVE MERLIN.

The end.

🙂

Tired Rambling Pops Thought Bubbles…

So, Husband and I are all done with the actual moving part of the move…at least where it pertains to our physical selves.  Our things won’t be here for another five days or so, so we’re functioning as minimalists at the moment.  I’ve got the things I need (my laptop for working purposes, my computer for…er…uhm…computing purposes), and he’s got the things he needs (his XBox, his case of games, and our smallest TV).  Then we’ve got the cat and dog, of course.  That was a fun trip with the animals, let me tell you.

I’m still physically recovering from the speed-loading that we did a few days ago.  Me carrying a giant, awkward desk that’s at the end of its rope down stairs?  Well…let’s just say that it wasn’t very pretty.  It was kind of embarrassing, actually – the entire moving process, with me carrying anything that weighed over two pounds or so.  I think I might need to go to the gym and *cue music in my head* get ta workin on mah fitness.

…………..

I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for just typing that.  Maybe nobody will get it and just think that I’m insane.  That would probably be best.  And it was a joke, mostly.  I can just go shovel rocks or something, which sounds like WAY more fun (that’s just my opinion…to each their own).

No, but really, my body feels pretty shot at the moment.  I’m having doubts as to whether my feet will ever recover and return to normalness.  Normality.  Oh.  Apparently normality is a word.  That’s nice to know.

I PROBABLY should not be blogging right now, given that my brain seems to be lacking its usual functionality.  I knew that functionality was a word, but I’m not sure it’s entirely appropriate to have been used there.  Maybe it was.  Oh well.  I’m sure anybody reading this will know what I meant if it wasn’t.  This is generally the time that I’m most awake during the day (night), but my sleep schedule is still wonky.  By wonky, I mean that I’ve been waking up in the *gasp* morning, and going to sleep right around now.  Meaning…I’m tired.  And my leg is asleep from this HORRENDOUS chair that I’m required to sit on to compute at the moment.  I don’t know how my leg being asleep is relevant to the fact that I shouldn’t be typing anything right now, but………uhm………Yep.

Anyway.  Things are strange here.  Which is strange, me saying that, given that I’ve lived here most of my life (on and off).  Easy how quickly and completely I can forget things.  Things are much more simple, yet so much more complicated in some ways.  I’ll blame my lack of remembering the latter of those to some sort of purposeful forgetfulness.

To explain.

I am beyond physically exhausted.  Even after a few days of coming here, I haven’t recovered.  I’ve said that already, I know.  The point is…I haven’t sat down for more than an hour at a time since I got here.

I’ve walked around, I’ve helped my mom and my mamaw cook, I’ve cut up strawberries for shortcakes and cobblers.  I’ve picked some of those strawberries.  I’ve shelled some peas (yuck to the eating).  I’ve paced while talking on the phone.  I’ve done more walking around.  And then more walking.  And then a little more.

My feet freaking HUUUURT.

But anyway, I’ve gotten so bored during all the spaces between.  Apart from one bit of not-moving-in-between where I worked on a few technical errors in my book.  I was expecting that to take me days upon days upon days.  Nope.  That was my thing to do – my thing to keep myself occupied.  Now, I’ve got a whole lotta nothin’.  Oh my god, I’m even typing that way now.  I apologize.  Which reminds me…I heard my accent coming back out at some point either today or yesterday.  I didn’t lose it completely (it’s the way I talk), but I said something (don’t ask me what it was because I don’t have a clue) and it made my eye twitch.  It’s always so much worse when I’m around my family.  Why in the world am I even talking about this?  Because I’m tired rambling, that’s why.

Back to boredom.  I’m bored.

I could’ve typed this up yesterday, technically, since we set the computer up and all that.  I’m going to be totally honest and say that I didn’t want to.  I honestly don’t want to right now.  This chair is so uncomfortable.  SO.  UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was going to say that it’s almost as bad as sitting on a rock, but you know what?  I would rather be sitting on a rock.

I have a bit more time left before heading off to bed (YAAAAAAAY for air mattresses……Did anyone hear the sarcasm?  I hope so…)…so, when I’m done with this, I’m going to do as I said and do some looking around on here.  I’ll probably have a million blogs to catch up on reading.  That’s fine though.  I can guarantee I won’t get done with that today.  Probably not even tomorrow.  But I WILL get it done.  And it will give me something to do during the between times, when I have them.  Also………..crap.  Lost my little thought bubble there.

I’m antsy to get back to work.  You have no idea.  I’ll calm down whenever that happens.

 

 

I realize that I didn’t make any of the points I intended to make when I started writing this thing.  Well, that’s wrong.  I made a few of them, but not as well as I’d intended because I’m tired.  No big deal.

I’ll give more updates about what’s going on with the book (where it’s at, or where it’s going) whenever things are a bit more set in stone.  I’m trying to work out details at the moment.  And now I’m thinking about Merlin (sword in the stone) and wishing I could watch season five.  I’m whimpering a little on the inside right now.  I love that show.  You have no idea.