I’ll admit I’d never even heard of that until recently, on some episode of a TV show that I can’t remember (horrible memory). I want to say it was The Big Bang Theory, but I could totally be wrong about that. While I’ll admit I find that sort of stuff interesting and used to check horoscopes often when I was younger, I’ve never really legitimately put stock in it. It was more, “Oh, wow. That describes me almost perfectly.” (If you look up the description of a Taurus? Yep, that’s me.) Or, “I had a day like that today. That’s kind of cool.”
Obviously I’ve been taking my break for a few weeks now, since the day after Mercury went into retrograde, apparently. And it’s a bit funny thinking about it now that I read an article an hour or so ago that said it is no longer IN retrograde. Or something. I could’ve read it wrong. I wasn’t paying too much attention.
I’d been feeling extremely overwhelmed in the week or so before that break began, partially due to making such little leeway with my workload and partially due to a personal issue that came up out of nowhere and seemed to push me over some cliff of partial insanity. So that day or so before I started the break, I really did feel insane and honestly just horrible. (If you couldn’t tell the ‘horrible’ by the tone of the last entry . . .)
Why the Mercury thing is so funny is because of the way the break went/has gone/whatever. I got a lot accomplished during that time, I suppose. I finished up this run-through of Book 4 in the Reave series, inputting changes included. That meant I FINALLY could start working on something else until Book 2 is closer to release.
I can’t tell you how unbelievably STOKED I was to be able to write, especially while on a break where everyone knew I wouldn’t be posting things, etc. That would give me DAYS of work-time where I didn’t have to do ANYTHING ELSE. I was stoked.
I did have a bit of a struggle with myself over what I SHOULD do. What I SHOULD do is another run-through of the trilogy I wrote last year, which I hope to release relatively soon. But I’ve essentially been editingeditingediting for months. It’s all I’ve been doing work-wise since before I released Reave. I wanted to WRITE.
So I sat down that first free day, messed around a bit with that standalone I started. I was unhappy with it for any number of reasons. Maybe because I already know what happens (and it has to happen precisely how it does, which makes getting it out difficult for me). Maybe because it’s about my favorite character in the series (apart from Aster) and I almost feel like that’s . . . hollowed ground (I mean no offense by that) and should not be stepped upon, even by me who MADE THE GROUND. I dunno, but either way, I soon turned meh about it.
The next day, I started writing what happens AFTER the series. That was all for my own amusement and I have zero intention of releasing it ever. (It would take a LOT of bribery. And for future reference, yes, I take any form of cake for bribing purposes). My mom said I might change my mind about that, but I doubt it. The series ends EXACTLY how it’s supposed to end, and again with the hollowed ground thing. Just felt wrong stepping past. Obviously I know what happens after, and that’s part of the problem. It’s been driving me insane for over a year and I just want it out of my head. Still, I doubt my own ability to do justice to it and where it sits now is perfect for a spin-off I plan on writing at some point.
I worked on that for about two days or so (which was a LOT of writing), then unexpectedly turned meh about that as well. Messing around with the Reave series just felt so wrong. And also . . . I’d like to write more books that I might intend to RELEASE. Makes sense, right?
I started a new series. This one has been playing around in my head since last year. I didn’t think I wanted to attempt tackling it yet because I’ve only wrote one series out of the ‘YA’ genre (that trilogy I mentioned) and I still find myself a bit uncomfortable with the things I’m comfortable with (or not). The cursing seems more natural, but I think there’s just something that’s telling me, “People are going to have problems with you dropping the F-bomb twice in the same speaking paragraph.” Oops. I don’t have control over them. They say/do what they want. That’s why it all seems more natural to me, because I’m not censoring them as much. I’ve also realized that no matter how much I enjoy reading in the YA genre, I enjoy writing OUT of it (apart from the stray sex scene that happens when out, which thinking about still makes me squeamish due to not wanting to pull the ‘cut-off’ card [GAH-THE WORDS!]).
Anyway, I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to tackle this series, but it was the one that wanted out of my head, so I started it.
So here I sat, and what happened? First page in I realized: ‘. . . . . . . . This is not ANYTHING how I thought it would be.’
Then I went through a struggle of: ‘What am I going to do with this?’ ‘Where is this going?’ ‘Why am I acting like I have ANY say in where it goes?’ ‘WTF-Bomb am I even DOING?’
The next several days were spent with copious hours of me staring at Herald’s face (my laptop screen), trying to figure something out while knowing I only have so much say in what happens. The beginnings are always pretty difficult, before the characters are ‘fully-formed’. I have more of a say. The more control I lose, the easier it is to write. On day three (I think – again with the horrible memory), it started picking up a bit. Still not the usual pace, and I blamed that on my frustration over it CONSISTENTLY being not what I wanted it to. Granted, it might be better possibly than I thought (maybe in some ways), but that’s not the point.
The point is: Why do I let these stories drive me insane for a year (or YEARS), then sit down to write them only to have them turn out to be nothing like I expected? Yes, it’s surprising and that’s awesome (among other things). I repeat: YEARS. (What is up with all the colons in this?) I just wonder why I have to think about them for so long. It’s a bit frustrating . . .
I don’t know what happened, but the whole time I was away, I was battling with not being ‘in the mood’. Not in the mood for writing? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? I didn’t know.
So I took a break from my break. I went out of my shed, inside, and got Netflix just so I could finally watch Sherlock. That consumed my life for the last couple days. I’m not even going to get INTO Sherlock past that. Past that and saying again that I WANT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH TO NARRATE MY LIFE. (You are typing. You are typing. You are drinking coffee.) Gah, that would be spectacular. Is it really asking for so much?
The entire break, I was having blogging withdrawals, which I count as a good sign. I’ve even typed up three separate entries to post, then didn’t because I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to END the break JUST THEN. I didn’t get as much writing done as I should have, after all.
While I’ll say the break was fantastic for getting into a different headspace than what I was, I’ll add that the one I got into wasn’t EXACTLY the goal. I wanted to utilize the time in the most productive ways I could, and . . . I didn’t really. I just wanted to play Fable and watch TV. I did get stuff done though, with the editing and whatnot.
But in three weeks (I think exactly), I should’ve been able to get a LOT more done than what I did. I believe the not-working at times was also good for me. I could debate with myself about the benefits of staring at Herald’s face for hours on end and how there doesn’t seem to be any apart from the stray paragraph or two added. But that’s a paragraph or two more than what I had before, and the NEED-TO-WORK part of me would rather that than stare at a TV screen doing nothing. (Adding again that obviously exceptions were made with Benedict Cumberbatch speaking.)
I woke up today and was like, “Yeah, okay. Gotta get back to all this other stuff. I really have to.” (Then the argument of, “But . . . . . I didn’t get all this stuff done that I wanted to.” Then the counter-argument of, “I gotta,” which put an end to my mental whining.)
The entire point of this RIDICULOUSLY LONG (apologies) entry was to say: I woke up today feeling more like myself. And I think it’s a bit ironic that I was an absolute mess version of not-myself during the ENTIRETY of Mercury being in retrograde.
So now I’ll add, “Damn you, Mercury. I blame you and your retrograding for my lack of utilizing time.”
In short, which I could’ve said from the get-go . . . I am now returned from my break and will be catching up with everything I said I would do and didn’t actually during it. Hope everyone has been well and that Mercury didn’t get to you too. 🙂
If you actually read all of this, feel free to imagine me either clapping or giving you a hug, whichever you’d rather. 🙂