Self-publishing.

Yeah. I’m doing it.

I know, I know. I said I was going to attempt querying and do the whole shebang (get an agent and we all lived happily ever after with a picket fence and 2.4 dogs, er, kids).

Anyone who’s been following my blog for a little while knows I flopped back and forth about it (don’t we all?). I spent so much time weighing the pros and cons of each – carefully and meticulously – until all cons blurred with pros and pros were cons and cons were . . . um . . . what’s going on? That was basically how it went in my head for a very long time, so I told my husband to make a decision on it. I was content with that for about a day or two, and then the mental-flopping began again. I didn’t want to blog about it because I wanted to get it sorted in my head.

I realized, after speaking with so many people, that this was a decision only I could make.

I started looking into cover artists just for curiosities sake and found one that I LOVED.

For about four days, I did nothing but flop around mentally afterward. I mulled over the word author. I’ve said it before that I will NOT call myself one unless the word aspiring is in front of it. Not yet.

One night, I looked up the definition of it. I kind of had a moment. There was no ‘traditionally published’ in the definition, of course. For one of those days, I contemplated over the word – what it meant, what it meant to other people, and what it meant to me.

Rather than focus on pros and cons, I started focusing on why. Why did I want to be published traditionally? What was drawing me to self-publishing despite the stars and rainbows and glitter of the P and the T together?

When thinking about the why . . . it fell into place.

I don’t need a publishing contract to accomplish what I’ve wanted to accomplish with this. All I want is for ONE person out there to love my books – to make an impact on a person the way that some books have impacted me. I don’t need a P and a T together for that. I don’t.

So I made the decision about a week and a half ago and I haven’t looked back since.

There hasn’t been one single flop from me, or even one second of doubting the choice I’ve made.

I don’t like posting things on here unless they’re set in stone. I’m feeling comfortable with sharing now.

I’ve been arranging things with that love-inducing cover artist and the photographer. I love them both. Seriously. Details are being figured out and things are being put in motion.

My editor had to extend the date of finishing my novel, so I won’t have it back until early to mid-October. I’m trying to get everything done that can be done until that point.

As of now, I’m shooting for early December. That’s going to depend on how everything works out, but now . . . I’ll be able to keep you all updated.

It’s so freaking weird having things moving. I spent such a long time feeling like my entire world was at a standstill.

Anyway. No more waiting. It’s time to start letting them go. I’m worried, of course, but . . . I’m feeling good. I’m excited. I never thought I’d be more excited than stressed/nervous, but . . . I am.

Wish me luck. I’m definitely going to need it.

O.O

Lions, and tigers, and sex sc – Wait…what?

Ah, the dreaded three letter word that starts with S, ends in X, and rhymes with HEX.

It’s not such a dreaded word in reality (at least not for most people under whichever circumstances), but for writers who are not Romance novelists? Oh yes, that word is SO dreaded. I’m not sticking all of you other writers out there into that little box with me, but I’m definitely in it and I know I’m not the only one.

I have to keep in mind that most of you who read my blog have had zero interaction with me off of here. I email with a few people. I’ve talked on the phone to one person a few times. So yes, the only way most of us all know one another is through interactions on WordPress. In a way, that can almost give you deeper insight to a person than you’d normally get – at least in my opinion. We share our hopes and dreams on here – our pains (not paints, way to ruin a moment with a typo, C), our struggles, and our ambitions. We share our WRITING. I know you all get me on that level, which is fantastic.

I’ve said on here before that I’m a pretty closed off person in some ways. If I know you, I’ll spill my deepest secrets (or the next level above the deepest) to you in a heartbeat. I can be a very open person. But let me give you a little insight . . .

If I did NOT know you, and you came up to me on the street and started rattling off about sex scenes, one or both of my eyes would likely start twitching. I would sweat profusely. I would be polite and say, “Hey, Random Person, this is somewhat inappropriate.” At least I would want it to come out of my mouth that way. It would probably be more like, “Whoa dude, wtf are you doing?”

That’s me.

I’ve written a lot, alright? That type of stuff HAPPENS when you write books, because that type of stuff HAPPENS in real life. I’m a fan of The Cut-Off. If I lead up to something happening well enough, I’m PRETTY SURE your mind can fill in the gaps. It’s my goal as a writer to make that happen. It’s better that way, I think (just my opinion). At least I am better at it that way, which . . . sometime you out there can be the judge of that, if you ever want to be. When writing Young Adult, it’s almost better to do it that way, again in my opinion. And I don’t want to feel like I’d be responsible for a crapton of sexually deviant teenagers running around doing things that they do. Hey, they do it, but I don’t want to feel responsible for it. And I would feel responsible, even if nobody ever accused me of it.

Oh my GOD, ALL THE EVILS IN THE WORLD ARE MY FAULT!!

That’s how my brain works, okay?

There’s a part of me that’s not comfortable writing YA at all, as I cover a lot of subjects in my books that I’m not sure the younger end of YA readers . . . I’m stopping myself there, as I cannot say who should and should not (or would and would not be able to) handle whatever. But I’m less comfortable writing in the adult genre, in ways.

I’ll give you a scenario – it’s a truthful scenario that happens quite often with me while I’m writing (or editing) a book.

I’m sitting there in my shed (I have every intention of posting an entry about my shed on here, so let’s leave the shed at that for now), writing (or editing). Sexy scene comes up. I type (or read/write) a few words. I giggle. I type a few more, put my hand over my face, and start talking to myself (“Oh my god,” for example. “I can’t believe I just wrote that,” for another). I type a few more and giggle again.

It happens.

There are some scenes in some of my books that – I kid you not – will have me nearly rolling around on the ground giggling in uncomfortableness. I do weird things when I’m uncomfortable, if you haven’t gathered.

So yes, adult books have their downside, as The Cut-Off is generally not wanted or accepted.

But I’ll tell you something I learned . . . yesterday? Two days ago? The days blur . . .

I knew that I’d done a relatively decent job with the more ‘intimate’ scenes (not sex scenes) in the book that my editor HAS IN HER HANDS RIGHT NOW. I knew that I had because my husband’s response after reading one of them in particular was, “I felt like I was intruding.”

That’s one of those things where you think about it for a little while, and then nod your head in satisfaction when you’re alone. It must’ve been good, in some way.

I’ve never really felt like that – at least no more than I usually feel when I’m writing. I already feel a level of intrusion into the character’s stories that I’m telling because I feel like I’m telling the life story of some person that has no business being told. I’m giving words to their lives for other people to read.

I have to be honest and say that I finished writing this new trilogy last week. I didn’t want to say anything on here – partially because I’ve been busy (writing and now editing), and partially because I read on a blog awhile back that talking about writing prolifically can make other authors feel bad. I’ve actually been struggling a lot with both that, and the fact that I write full-time (without pay because I have no books released yet . . . give me some time to get everything in place and they will be out there, I promise). I don’t want to make anyone feel any negative thing due to what I’m doing, so I haven’t wanted to be like, “HEY, I FINISHED ANOTHER BOOK!” And then another one a few weeks later. But hey. I have.

Guilty feelings come to me again now.

So anyway, I had to say it so that what I say next will make sense.

I was editing the first book in that trilogy and came upon the actual first legitimate sex scene that I’ve ever written. It was torture writing it, let me tell you. I was pleased with it afterward. I thought I kept it classy (as classy as they can get). I postponed writing it for as long as I freaking could, let me tell you.

Anyway, came upon it when editing.

And by god, if I didn’t feel like I was intruding then I don’t know what that was. Well, uncomfortable, yes. But intrusive. I felt so unbelievably intrusive.

So, after getting through editing it and taking a few minute break afterward to try and fix my brain back into its normal – un-uncomfortable – mode, I sat there and I thought about it.

I’ll never be a Romance novelist. Not ever. Well, I can’t know that for certain, but I know for certain that I don’t want to be. I love the natural romance that happens between characters, but I’m not trying to turn love stories into the pornographacation (*ding* new Non-Word) of a character’s life. I will write and write (and write and write) about things that don’t happen, but I like my books to be realistic enough that the other things can make those unrealistic things believable. And throwing in a bunch of words that people DO NOT THINK into scenarios and DO NOT HAPPEN . . . Where is the believability there?

I’m not writing this to get into a debate about Romance novels. People like them, and that’s cool. I just don’t write them.

What I’m trying to say is that I learned, finally, that I CAN actually write a sex scene if I feel that I absolutely must – if the story, or the characters say, “Dammit, woman, TELL THE STORY!”.

And I’m proud of myself for that because it was such a freaking struggle for me.

But hey, I’m a bigger fan of the leading-up-to anyhow. For the most part . . . I think I’ll stick to what I’m good at when it comes to that sort of thing with writing. I’ll venture out of my box to grow, but . . . yep, done that. Check.

Sorry this was so long, but I haven’t been blogging very much. Pretty poor way of making up for it, come to think about it.

Anyway, if anyone else has had the same struggles – or similar ones – feel free to share. Maybe I won’t feel so ridiculous.

Hope everyone is wonderful out there.

🙂

Now if only I can get over the thought of my mom reading these new books of mine that she’s been asking to read . . .

I’ve done it . . .

I have actually let another person impact a decision, past what to eat for dinner.

Many of you who actually read my entries on here know that I’ve had a very difficult time trying to figure out if I wanted to attempt to publish traditionally, or if I wanted to self-publish.

None of you know how many times I’ve flopped back and forth about it. Seriously – I kid you not – every other day it will be the one, then the other. Throw small presses into the mix and you’ve got a very not-fun mix of things to flop over (and over and over and OVER) with. I’m sure many of you have been in that boat before. But I’m sure most of you – after doing the research – have been able to make the decision that was best for you. I couldn’t. I’m not kidding. There are pros and cons to all sides, which anybody who does a Google search will know. All those pros and cons evened themselves out with me.

When talking to people (especially my husband) about it, they tend to just go along with whatever you say. That’s not bad. Most people understand that a person will do whatever they want in any given situation, and trust that a person is capable of making the best decision for themselves. So when I call you at two in the morning almost screaming my lungs out about how I’m GOING TO SELF-PUBLISH, of COURSE you’re going to think, “That’s the best thing for her to do.”

I’ve done it. Yes. I have made those calls.

I have made those calls, slept on it, then woke up with a different outlook.

And if you read my post Balance, then you know (where I’m talking about my hair) that my husband is THE ULTIMATE agreer. Yes, I know agreer is not a word, but it should be.

So (after going through this for months on end) while laying in bed yesterday morning before sleep (yes, I said that correctly – I am nocturnal), I caved. I said, “Husband, I NEED your input here. All of these pros and cons are even. HELP ME, FOR GOD’S SAKE!” That is not verbatim, but it’s close enough to pass.

He thought on it. Just now, we had a conversation about it.

He wants me to try to get an agent. And he wants me to do that so I don’t lose my mind. Getting an agent . . . well . . . it’s damn near impossible to do, I know. I don’t think I REALLY realized how damn near impossible it actually WAS until recently. I’ve realized. The likelihood is . . . not good. I’ve accepted it.

I’ve accepted it and am backup-planning in my head.

But you know what?

Until my editor (WOOO) gets done with my book in . . . let’s see . . . my brain is NOT working right now. A little over two months. Yes. She’s starting it August 1st and will get done at the end of the month. So until she gets done with it, I will get to focus on my writing rather than stressing to the high heavens. I’ll take that.

So when I fail with getting an agent (I’m not being negative – only realistic) . . . I will cross that bridge when I get there. The good thing about being realistic is that you ALWAYS have a backup plan. But now, I’ve got a plan BEFORE the backup plan is necessary.

Thanks Husband.

How strange it was to just say, “Alright. If that’s what you think I should do . . . it’s what I’ll do.”

If you know me at all, then you will know that DOES NOT HAPPEN. Just saying.

Sorry. Figured I should get all that out there. It’s off to bed for me.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day.

🙂

Peace, Small Breaks, and More Editing

So here we are at the beginning of that second break in time.

I’ve finished with the editing (yes, I know that was fast, but I didn’t have to do much to it, apart from the suggested changes and a few minor things here and there), and have sent it off. I reckon the next few days will give a clear indication of how that whole thing will pan out. I’ve gotten about ten different earfuls from my mom about it, but that’s neither here nor there. My mom likes to give earfuls.

Anywho, as I said – break in time. I was supposed to have my normal computer chair when this point of time was happening, but alas . . . I do not. Our things got pushed back two days, meaning that it will all get here tomorrow. Tomorrow is much better than another week or something, so I’m happy. I’m contemplating not sleeping at all (so I can avoid that air mattress),  but I’m a big fan of sleep and don’t know if I could manage it. Probably couldn’t.

Either way, I will finally get caught up with some reading of blogs on here tonight. So yaaay. I’ll just be having at least one of my legs go numb in abooooout . . . I’d give it five minutes or so, if that.

I’ll be super busy again starting tomorrow, due to all of our belongings getting here – setting up rooms and the like. Then I promised to do some hanging out with a couple of friends this weekend and I’ve already flaked out once in the past week (due to working, which is just about the most legitimate reason to flake out there). I’m curious to see how much stuff I can actually get done over the next few days.

Does anyone else out there feel like the things that other people consider ‘taking breaks’ are more stressful than continuing on with things? I know that I always stress about how many other things I should be doing when I’m having fun and whatnot. Of course, I’m weird, so that might be why. Just an errant thought.

At least all of this will keep me occupied while I’m waiting to hear back from the editor, so that’s good news.

I hoped for sunshine and good feelings for everyone in my last entry.  I’ll hope for peaceful and stress-free days for everyone in this one.

🙂

 

Editing, Good Feelings, Sunshine

I’m trying to keep up with the trend of posting an entry every three days or so, just because I feel it would be best to not let myself get far behind on it.  If I get far behind, I’m concerned that this entire thing will slip off into oblivion.  I’m already far enough behind on the reading that I can’t allow myself to slip in all areas with the whole blogging…thing.

I wasn’t expecting to have the revised copy of my book back this early.  Yes, I know this was the time frame that I wrote on here awhile back, but that was before a million things happened in life.  So that was a pleasant surprise.

In other words…I have the revised copy from my friend, meaning that I’m going through it right now and doing a last editing before *gasp* sending it off to an editor.  Yes.  I found one.  I never like posting things that aren’t set in stone, as I said in the last entry, but I’m feeling confident enough with the situation and whatnot that I will go ahead and say it.  Full of good feelings and sunshine all around at the moment.

Anyway, I’m going to be doing that for a little while.  Then, while I’m having that second break in time that I mentioned a few entries ago, I will finally catch up on here.  Which will be nice, because I will have my NORMAL COMPUTER CHAIR by that point.  So yaaaay.

I better go ahead and go out into MY SHED (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and get to work.

Hope that everyone out there is full of good feelings and sunshine.  If not, go find some.  You deserve it.