Home » Uncategorized » I am a mess.

I am a mess.

I lost the file where I had the list of topics to cover on here before Reave goes live in a couple of days (Wednesday, *fingers crossed*). By lost, I mean I didn’t save it (I was sure I did, I remember typing in the save name and everything…), meaning it’s lack of existence in the world is as much my fault as the fact that I can’t remember what was on the list. It might be somewhere on my computer, but if it is, I can’t find it. Lost. I typed up another entry several days ago and didn’t post it for whatever reason(s), and I don’t believe I’ll do so now because there’s another topic that seems more pressing. The title says it all, I believe.

I’ve been dealing with some major things the past several months (we all have those times), and the ‘book’ aspect(s) of the struggles have been the easiest to say. After all, “I’m freaking out about my book,” IS easier than, “I’m having some significant problems right now, but I’d rather keep them all to myself so please don’t ask me what they are.” The usual response is something like (pardon my language), “The book isn’t sh**.” (If that tells you what usually comes out of my mouth and maybe how hard I am on myself in general, also maybe that I have a potty mouth [I do]…) But things obviously go a lot deeper than that.

The past few months have been……..very difficult. I feel like I’m walking an extremely fine line right now, trying to keep this a certain way. Book things are usually what I talk about here (and blogging about not blogging), but book things aren’t my entire life right now. I would rather play all of this off as ‘I’m nervous that people won’t like it,’ but I don’t really feel that’s fair to myself. Clearly I want people to like it, but I understand that not everybody will and I’ve understood that from the get-go. I’d be happy if one person did, and more than one person already does, so in a sense…I’m kind of content. (More people reading and liking it would be awesome, but I’m still surprised by one.)

As difficult as the past few months have been, they’ve also been beneficial, in some ways. I’ve had to do a lot of self-evaluation, a lot of questioning, a lot of realignment. I’ve had to ask myself some very difficult questions and came up with a lot of answers that I really didn’t care for. It’s easy – sitting in a shed by yourself, writing your life away. Then you wake up one day and realize that so many things have changed around you and you have to try and figure out where you actually are. Three years. I’ve had to catch up with three years. And I’m having….a very difficult time. I’m having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that… have changed. Easy not to know as much when you don’t focus on yourself, or would most of the time rather ignore your own existence in the world.

So I’m kind of looking at it as waking up one day and discovering that the entire world is different, and you’re stuck having to catch up, to find some place where you can fit. The old place where you fit….it isn’t there anymore.

In the past several months, I’ve hit some majorly low points. Hence the neglection of the blog/social stuff in general. A lot of the time when I disappear for a week or so, it’s because I have too much going on in my head to interact with people. I have extremely bad anxiety, and almost every time I interact with anyone, I get stressed out (even if it’s a pleasant interaction). Not to mention that I’ve generally been run ragged, between being sick with that cold-from-hell that is still making me cough, book stuff, and personal life matters (chicken with no head). Just….ragged. I’m sure everyone knows how effing difficult it can be to do what you feel you need to do – or even what you want to do – when you feel like you have absolutely nothing left. That’s where I’ve been. I’ll admit that.

Saturday was a new low for me. I was unfortunately not alone at that point, so my sister got an earful of things I wish I’d kept to myself or put down on my keyboard (though the keyboard could PROBABLY use a break…). It’s startlingly difficult for me right now – interacting with almost anyone. At dinner today, my mamaw asked me, “Are you excited?”

There are some things I’m excited about. I’m excited because I know someone out there will enjoy my book, and that’s what it’s all about. And, if you read it and do, please feel welcome to tell me. (PLEASE.)  I can’t tell you how much I would love to hear that. But it’s hard for me to throw it out there, especially right now when it feels like the ground I’m standing on is so unstable.

Of course it’s scary, of course I’m nervous, of course I’m stressed. And, of course, yes, part of me is excited. I’m just trying to accept some things that I’ve been ignoring for a very long time.

I am a person. I have a life outside of writing books. Or…I should have one.

I know I’m not the only person out there (far from it) that would rather keep their personal business to themselves, especially in a world where half the people in it want to be (pardon my language again) assholes, just because they can. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being on here, it’s that almost everyone is extremely……awesome. And there are some people on here that I might call ‘blogging buddies’ but would actually consider something closer to friends. I’m kind of a bad friend when I isolate myself, and a bit of isolation has been … necessary for me lately. I apologize for that, sincerely – even to my ACTUAL friends, which I’ve isolated myself from as well. I know some of you are worried about me, and I’m sorry about that.

I’m waiting it out until Wednesday. Wednesday will inevitably be a turning point for me in some way or another. No matter what happens, after that point, I will be a ‘published author’…

That’s….whew. That’s something.

I can’t tell you how badly I want to bury myself in work right now (or hide under a rock). That’s all I want to do. But I’m forcing myself to not, even if it would cover up a lot of the stuff and, in a way, make me feel better. I’m not working at all before Wednesday because I want to make sure I’m dealing with this. Facing down personal demons, which is EXACTLY what I’ll be doing between now and then. I might be on here, and everywhere else, and I might not. I’m not sure yet.

Tomorrow night, I’m going to have to click two ‘approve’ buttons. One of my personal demons is going to stare me in the face and ask me a question it’s been asking me a lot lately. “What made you think you could ever do this?”

And I want to be positive that I can stand up on my tiptoes to get in its ugly face and say, “Because I can.”

I’ve been working on that response for the last few months. Catchy, huh? I figured I’d leave out the copious amounts of cursing that will likely happen after and also the copious amounts of violence I would love to inflict on said personal demon. Then again…I don’t want the others to gang up on me.

Anyway, I really, sincerely hope that everyone is doing well out there. I really do. I wouldn’t wish the way I’m feeling right now on anyone in the world. If you have some good things going on with you, it would be fantastic to hear about them. Just saying…

18 thoughts on “I am a mess.

  1. Yes, you can. To all of it, not just whether you click the “approve” buttons.
    You’re in a place that I’ve been oftentimes since I started blogging. Things going on that you so desperately want to write about, talk about, kick the hell out of, but you just can’t quite go there. So, you dance around the edges. I can only guess at what exactly it is that’s tormenting you now. But … yes, you can.

    • I’ll admit I didn’t respond to this comment as promptly as I should have (and I did see it shortly after I posted the entry), but I was an emotional wreck that night and thought a date with Ben and Jerry’s would probably be a better idea than attempting to interact when in such a state (a BAD state, if Ben and Jerry are involved).
      I do have to say that your comment was…..probably one of the most helpful things that could’ve happened the other night. I almost cried when I read it (I’m NOT a crier…).

      It always blows my mind when people you don’t really know seem to know the right thing to say to you at the right time, when the people closest to you don’t seem to have a clue. That was just a random thought.
      I’ve warred with that urge to write about more personal things several times, and yeah, I really can’t let myself go THERE. This one took a lot out of me and I contemplated deleting it (more than once), but it’s honest and it is what it is.

      Anyway, thank you – SINCERELY – for what you said. You have no idea how much it helped.

      • I’m in a self-imposed blogging moratorium for the month of December. I also meant to stop reading other people’s blogs for the month. Problem is that there are these two communities of bloggers that I can’t pull away from. There are the writers who are pursuing their dreams. You’re in that community. And then there are those who write about other things — about the struggles they have in their lives. In the last few weeks, you’ve joined that community as well. Even if you’re dancing around the edges.
        There are many ways to divide the world. One of those ways is this — there are people who get up each day and are able to do what they do without much care or concern. They live their lives in relative contentment and don’t stop much along the way to evaluate themselves, others, or their future. Nothing wrong with that and I wish I was like that. Then there are the others — people who never stop doing the opposite. Wanting something better, thinking and evaluating and worrying and wishing and dreaming. I have this feeling you’re in the latter group. And, if there’s one thing I’ve figured out in the past few years is that people like you (and me) who are in that group have to figure out how to support each other. One way we can do that is through our blogging and comments.
        If any of this sounds remotely related to your life and what’s going on with you right now, I’m glad to have helped. That is one of my “missions” in life — to figure out how to help people get through their struggles. Yes, you can. More importantly … yes, we can, by supporting each other and offering a hand, or a word of support, or by just listening and writing.
        I have conversations like this with a lot of co-workers, friends, family, and bloggers … hopefully, it helps to know that you are not alone. Far from alone. Even if (as I also experience) the people closest to you don’t have a clue.
        I just downloaded your book for my Kindle. I look forward to reading it.
        One more thing … what’s your favorite Ben & Jerry’s. Better be Phish Food. 😉

      • Before I get into actual responding, I just have to say SPECTACULAR word-usage with ‘moratorium.’ Also, I have to give you credit for doing that purposely (taking the break). >.>
        I wish I had more time TO read blogs, and maybe I’m just getting frazzled by everything right now and being frazzled is taking up too much of my time. I don’t even know, to be honest. I kind of can’t even figure out where I am at the moment (PUBLISHED? What is that? O.o)…

        That kind of scares me, being in the other community. I have a REALLY hard time talking about personal stuff, even with people I’ve known forever. I seriously respect people who can/will open up. But blogging really does help in the sense that there’s a ‘facelessness’ to it. (Or a very small face…)

        I have to say…You have NO IDEA how relevant the stuff you said is to my life right now. ‘Wanting something better, thinking and evaluating and worrying and wishing and dreaming’ … that is… YEP.
        With you saying you wish you could be in the other separated group, I’d imagine all of us in the other wish we could, at least sometimes. As much as I can’t stand the over-thinking (etc.), I think it’s good. Or I’m trying to understand (come to terms with) a lot of things being good that I didn’t necessarily think were so good…

        And it DOES get really lonely – feeling like you can’t connect and maybe not so much that people can’t understand, but that they don’t care to take the time to look a little closer.

        It’s like you’re seeing through me or something and it’s creeping me out. But not the bad creeping out. It’s pretty spectacular, to be honest.

        You’re absolutely right though, about sticking together and whatnot. I guess I just need to get out of my bubble a little more. I’m working on that.

        I’ll admit that my eye is almost twitching about you reading the book.

        And as for Ben and Jerry’s, I usually get another brand of ice cream, but my friend told me about one and I wanted to try it (Half Baked). Any ice cream company that puts in such MASSIVE chunks of brownies is good in my book. I would’ve just rather it been the chocolate and brownie part. Sorry to disappoint about the Phish Food! 😛

        Also sorry that it seems I’ve written you a mini-novel here. haha
        I tend to do that…

  2. I haven’t got a clue what personal stuff is going on in your life, but whatever it is, it sounds like it sucks.

    But if it makes you feel any better, 2 weeks ago I took my car in for it’s first service and found out the air-con doesn’t work. Turns out, some dude’s towbar reversed into the front grill of my car and damaged the inside of it, wrecking the air con.

    Service guys wanted $1800 to fix it. Eff that! So I went through my insurance, which will cost me $600, which still sucks.

    And I’m not sure what else you were hinting at in this post, but if you’re worried about negative reviews for your book, that’s something I can understand. I think every author has those nervous jitters before a book’s release.

    Good luck with everything! Bring on the book! 🙂

    • Haha, yes, the personal stuff definitely sucks right now.

      WTF about the air conditioner? SERIOUSLY? No NOTE? Then again, maybe they didn’t notice. But don’t you seriously (SERIOUSLY) hate it when you have to deal with problems that other people caused?
      I would be pissed, if I were in your shoes right now.
      And no, your troubles didn’t make me feel better, of course not. They made me angry at people sucking and sad for you.

      Oh yes, definitely worried about negativity. It’s easy to disregard people liking it sometimes when you think your writing is garbage. Unfortunately my nervous jitters are more like … nervous …. spasms? Um… What’s a worse word? I dunno. I can think of a few, but they would probably make me sound like an idiot…

      Thanks. And the book is brought-on! O.o

  3. I remember how nervous I was before my book’s release, and as soon as my publisher released it, rather than feeling only excitement, I felt terror and vulnerability. So I think I get where you’re coming from. Those first few days waiting for that first review were terrifying (well, I think my mom left an early review, but I don’t count that. 🙂 ) I don’t say that to scare you, I say it to let you know you are not alone in your feelings. Most authors have been there, and before long, everything smooths out. But even amid the nerves, it IS exciting, and you must remember to congratulate yourself for all your hard work.

    Sorry there are other issues tormenting you as well. When it rains, it pours, as they say. Good luck to you!

    • Yeah, I’ve been a big mess of nerves and self-doubt lately. I’m sure everybody does go through it. Honestly, now that it’s out I’m feeling a bit better (likely only temporarily), I think because there’s nothing I can really do at this point. It’ll be what it’ll be. O.o
      I’m definitely trying not to hold my breath for the first random review. I just hope my eye doesn’t start twitching before it appears on there. I have doubts as to whether it would stop if it got started. lol

      You have some pretty spectacular reviews on yours!

      It definitely does seem to work out that way, with the pouring.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment on this. 🙂

  4. C, this is an incredibly sincere post I truly loved. Take a breath–things are going to be fine. On the eve of your book release, I thought I’d say that. You’re going to be fine. And you’re going to be okay. The big job is done. You. Wrote. A. Book! It’ll be published tomorrow! Isn’t that amazing? You’re totally going to be fine! Enjoy the moment and have fun! 😉

    • This post was…very difficult. Even responding to comments on it has been difficult because I’d rather sit here in my own little world and tell myself that I didn’t actually post this. That might be a bit ridiculous…

      It is pretty amazing. I think I might not be freaking out so badly about it because I’m PRETTY sure I’ve SOMEHOW convinced some part of my mind that it’s not really going on, despite knowing that it is. That’s better than sitting here wondering if something happened to files between here and there or if the sky is going to fall.

      Thank you. 🙂
      I’m trying to enjoy the moment, and to have fun, and to breathe. I’m trying very hard.

  5. C you are #phenomenal. Believe me and fellow bloggers, you’ll be fine. I’ve been in the most distressing situations in my life, but it never hold my life back. Such things weren’t hold you back, the single most successful achievement alone is your completed book. It’s complete. It will release and I deeply hope, to #great success. Don’t worry yourself too much, a tiny bit is fine. ; ) Things smooth out eventually. Don’t give up on yourself, because you can do it! Trust me on this! 😊

    • Thanks. 🙂

      Haha. The problem is trying to find the line between ‘too much’ and ‘a tiny bit,’ because my mind automatically goes to the more unhealthy (and unhelpful) side of things.
      But you’re absolutely right. Things do smooth out eventually, it’s all a matter of waiting it out until that happens. 😉

      • You are most welcome C! Don’t worry yourself too much, it’s unhealthy. Feeds stress. You’re doing really well, you really are. And like you said, it’s a matter of waiting. That’s most sweet and rewarding. That’s how I came through in life. ; )

  6. Pingback: Wow. You actually just said that. – Smart Stunning Searching

  7. Sorry to learn about all those uneventful incidents in your life..but hey…everything happens for a reason…so all the best to you!

    Have a great day ahead, always~ Cheers!! 😀

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