Alas, I have slipped up…at least in a sense.
There I was a few days ago, rambling on and on about this newly found sense of patience – as if I’d achieved some zen-like state of being through countless hours of meditation and just a dash of repaid good karma. It would’ve been a close description of how I was feeling at the time.
Talking about my books has made me want to go back through them. That shouldn’t be a problem, you say? Well, it is a MAJOR problem, given that I am incapable of going through them without touching them. Oh, believe you me – I could tie my hands together at the wrist, turn the pages with my teeth, and I swear to you…I would find some way to use a sparkly pen. This is wrong. And THIS is wrong. UGH.
It wouldn’t be an issue at all if 1 was not currently being spruced up by my friend. Now, what in the world would be the point of removing makeup halfway through putting it on? That would be counterproductive (when the makeup artist is doing an impeccable job), among other things that I don’t feel like listing off. If I make changes – any at all – then how would I know for sure whether I was doing more good than harm? I couldn’t possibly know. You don’t RE-EDIT a book behind an editor (or WHILE it’s being edited), do you? Well, maybe some people should, on some occasions. I won’t get myself started on that; I’ve been ranting for days.
So, knowing myself, I cannot touch 1 until I get it back (she’s guesstimating around June 1st and I will cross my fingers on that because knowing something gives less room to lose your mind over it). I’ve thought about going through 2-4 because I could make changes here and there before I hand the lot of those over into her capable hands. That would be fine. [Insert overly dramatic/loud sighing sound here]
I can’t touch those without reading 1 first. Yes, I know the story and the characters inside and out; that’s not the issue. I’m just insane and have to do things in order.
Basically, I had about………..5 or so days of that wonderful, at-peace feeling, and now? Well, now I am feeling much like my usual, anxiety ridden self. It’s a bummer. A major one.
I’m flustered, not knowing what in the world I should do for the next month. Sure, I have things that I COULD do, but I want to work on my books. I want to get them to the point where I will feel comfortable enough to start querying again. Querying intelligently. I’m still feeling good about that bit – the remainder of the game plan. I will do things right. I will do things as well as they should be done…because I CAN. I am capable of that.
If I’m capable of that? Please, someone, tell me why I am not capable of settling down for a month (because surely I will be waiting much longer than that while querying).
And for GOD’S SAKE, someone please explain to me why there is a picture of ABBA (TWO OF THEM?!) in the related content section. I’m shaking my head.
And now I’m chuckling a little.
And now I’m angry because Dancing Queen is trying to play itself in my head.
Taking a deep, calming breath and finding the correct path again.
So. A month. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I started making playlists for each of the 4 books the other day, but my internet is still being ridiculous (hence me reversing my sleep schedule so that I can use the internet off of the ‘peak hours’). Can’t do that, really. Either can’t look up lyrics (during the day with crappy internet), or can’t listen to music (at night with sleeping Roommate). So that’s out of the question for another few days at least.
I’ll tell ya – wanting to work on your books and not being able to? You don’t want to do diddly else. Nothing else seems productive. Nothing else seems worth the time; it could be spent doing something SO much better.
Plus, talking about them has made me ridiculously excited about them again – perhaps more so than I ever have been, actually. Now I know that – when I get them back – they’ll be so much better. They’re good now. I might be a bit biased on that, but aren’t we all? But when I get them back? They will be good enough that I’ll WANT people to read them – good enough that I’ll feel comfortable with saying, “Look what I did.” Of that, I have no doubt. If you all could see how much she’s helping, you would want to steal her from me. You can’t. She’s mine.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll occupy myself on here or something.
Maybe I’ll get around to making other ‘networking’ type sites. Who knows?
But I can pretty much assure anyone reading this now that anything I write on here over the next month or so will hold very little relevance to anything.
I might say things like, “So..there are like…a million mockingbirds flying around in our neighborhood. I think one of them has made a nest inside of the large bush in the backyard. It attacked my dog about ten times today.” Worthless, but true. And my poor dog (Pig) thinks the bird wants to be her friend. Sad fact of life. Maybe I could write an entry about how we all have unhealthy friendships at some point in our lives. Then again, maybe I won’t bother.
Soreee in advance for any future frustrated and anxious ramblings.
Yes, I know I spelled that wrong. It was intentional.
I’d better stop there before I start ranting about something else.
Like misspelled words. Or the internet. Or the ABBA/Dancing Queen recommended tags (I might just tag them anyway since it won’t leave my head). Or my right foot being asleep. Or the fact that my computer chair mysteriously moves every time I leave the room.
Or just the simple fact that I want to visit with my main character. I miss her like a best friend that I haven’t seen in years.
Good night/day to you all.